Child Correction Essay and Prayer

A friend of mine gave me a lovely prayer book called "Mothers' Manual" (Aquinas Press). Lately I've actually been successful (radical concept) at morning prayers and night prayers more than half the time (wow!) using this little book, in large part because of the littleness of this book. It is small enough to carry around, the prayers are short enough actually to be prayed during the time the baby is occupied with blocks and in between the two preschoolers breaking out in another fight or getting into mischief that needs mama's tending. We're talking that I might have three whole minutes of on-my-knees prayer time in the morning (in contrast to mental prayer while I work, which St. Paul advises we do all the time).

One section I have found a rich source of meditation and so I thought I'd post it here for my fellow Catholic mamas who might find it useful as well.

This book contains a prayer on child correction. Interestingly, it is the only prayer accompanied by a short essay on the subject. There have got to be nearly one hundred prayers in this book and no other subject comes with a little essay. I reproduce them below and, in a different  color, the questions I ask myself often. My husband and I do not have all the answers (ha ha!), I just ask questions for personal reflection.

Caveat: Of course, a prayer written by an anonymous person is not infallible in a Catholic sense. It is just interesting, food for thought, perhaps written by someone wise, perhaps in line with Catholic teaching. We must always discern these things as best we can.

Essay on Child Correction

The proper correction of a child is one of the primary responsibilities of a parent. "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not swerve from it" (Proverbs 22:6). Even so, unless it is done in love, discipline can wound and even break a child's spirit.

• So, discipline is required. How many times per day do I ignore moments needing discipline so that I can be on the computer, do a chore, talk on the phone, pursue a hobby, or focus on a seeming virtue--e.g., health food that takes tremendous time to prepare and are my children helping me do it, being occupied in wholesome work, or am I ignoring them or putting them in front of the TV so I can work in the kitchen alone and efficiently?--that I am elevating above my children's souls? 
• What is the balance of time?
• Discipline can be done well or poorly or something in between. It is not that the more/stronger the discipline, the better, or that the more absent/weaker the discipline, the better.

God has chosen you from all eternity to raise and nurture your children. Since your discipline will affect your child's character for the rest of his or her life, it is very important to carry out this responsibility wisely and appropriately.

• How many of my day's tasks will affect something for the rest of one's life? Is decorating the house or sewing something lovely or making a gourmet meal going to affect anything for the rest of one's life?
• If not, am I putting those things ahead of discipline, which will affect my child for the rest of his life?
• Does that mean I can never do anything I want to do because I'm focusing solely on my children?

Your child needs positive eye contact, physical affection, focused attention (one on one time), and appropriate discipline from you. The key to your child's heart is to stay in touch with him or her and not allow a wounded spirit to develop.

• So, I need a key to my child's heart? Why do I need to have a key to his heart? Does having a key to his heart aid in his response to my discipline?
• How often am I staring at a computer screen when my kids ask me a question, not looking in their eyes? Do I find ways to give hugs, tussle hair, and tickle throughout the day? How do I give one-on-one time with each child, albeit very short, when I have three very young children needing nearly constant attention and a husband who travels often for work?

Obedience is the great virtue of childhood, as Jesus showed us: "He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them" (Luke 2:51). Insist on obedience and respect from your children, and treat them with proper dignity in return.

• And, let's not kid ourselves, obedience is the great virtue of adulthood too. All Catholic writing and the Bible agree on that. So, if we are to insist on obedience and respect, that means that--unless we've had a miraculous child born unto us--we parents are going to have to take action: probably a lot of action. I know that around here, insisting on obedience and respect isn't a simple, easy, momentary task. When we do not insist on obedience or respect this time, that instance, or X percentage of the time, what effect/result does that have? Can I get away with not insisting sometimes?
• What do I think it would mean to treat a child in an undignified manner? Does a child merit the exact same treatment as I would give an adult? Do I give all adults the same treatment (friend, stranger, acquaintance, the pope, the president of my country) and, if not, why not? Is there a way to treat children with dignity without treating them as if they were adults?

It is a mistake to correct a child, or even worse, to strike a child, out of anger. When you need to discipline, do so with self-control and dignity, and your child will be far more likely to respond.

• I see that the author is not saying that it is a mistake to correct a child or a mistake to strike a child. (Just quoting with the language 'strike,' which is probably an old-fashioned usage that jars our ears. What does 'strike' mean to me?) The author is saying that it is a mistake to do those things out of anger. What do my husband and I think of that?
• Do our opinions match with the Bible and with Catholic writing? Does an examination of Catholic writing over a couple of thousand years reveal the same line of thought about discipline or great variation? Has it changed recently? Have we always been wrong, or are some writings now wrong? 
• Do I behave with self-control? With dignity? Could I behave with self-control and dignity if a police officer were correcting me? And, if the answer is yes, why do I sometimes behave like a child out-of-control and throwing a tantrum when my children challenge me? 
• What does it communicate to a child when I lose my self-control so easily that I am screaming? Or worse, if one were to swear or say unkind things to the children? How is a child, with far less experience and maturity than me, supposed to maintain his own self-control when I cannot?

Only God can give you the patience, wisdom, and courage to discipline your child properly and lovingly. A moment of prayer or deliberation can defuse a fearful or angry temper and give you the grace to administer a prudent and profitable discipline.

• I find it easy to think that a parent needs patience and wisdom to discipline properly. But it is an interesting idea that one needs courage to discipline properly. That implies that proper discipline--which is what? effective? not useless?--might be difficult for the parent, even cause fear for the parent: the parent needs courage.
• And, do I ever pray before I discipline? Do I pray at the beginning of each day for moments of child correction that will come all day? Do I ever take even ten seconds to pray before administering a specific correction? Do I think that might help me?

If you do fail, ask forgiveness and try again. Be encouraged! God is more concerned about your child's development than you are, and He will help you!

• God truly is more concerned about my child's soul than am I, so I need to look to God for help often.

Prayer for the Grace to Properly Correct a Child

Dear Heavenly Father, all authority comes from You. In giving my husband and me the gift of parenthood, You have also conferred on us the holy and serious responsibility of not provoking our children to anger, but of bringing them up in Your training and instruction.

• Do I believe that all authority comes from God? If not, why not? If I believe that I have authority that does not come from a Being higher than me, what does my ultimate authority look like? And then who has authority over me?
• If I believe all authority comes from God, then what does that mean for me?
•  What does it mean to not provoke our children to anger? If discipline is necessary, requires courage, must be effective, yet we know that the slightest correction usually causes a toddler or preschooler to fly into a rage, then what does it mean to not provoke them to anger?

Help me not to shirk this duty, but to fulfill it according to Your Will. May I always remember that in giving correction I stand in Your place. Help me to discipline in a calm, motherly manner, with a firm but caring hand.

• Discipline as duty! Do I believe it is a duty? Or do I think I've been given children with no duty to discipline them?
• My standing in the place of God! Is the way I am behaving forming certain visions of God for my children? Right perceptions of God or wrong? Perceptions of God that will draw my children closer to Him or further from Him? Is God merciful and just? Only merciful? Only just?

Help me to remember to pray before I discipline. May may child actually draw nearer to me through appropriate discipline and grow into the person You have created him/her to be.

• I find it a radical concept that a child would draw nearer to the parent through discipline. What does that say of the manner of discipline? Is it a drawing nearer to the parent in the moment? If so, I suspect the discipline is not actually being effective because most normal children, burdened by Original Sin as we all are, are not happy and thrilled in the moment of being denied what they want to do.
• So, is the child drawing nearer to the parent through discipline in the long-term? How long?
• Second, the above implies that children are not born already formed to perfection. They actually need forming to grow into what God intended. From whence does that forming come? Do I parent in a way that assumes children are born perfection, tainted only by the world to which they are exposed (a radically anti-Christian concept)? Or do I parent in a way that assumes that children are born needing character formation?

Dear Mother Mary, please help me, a mother like you, to lovingly guide and discipline my children. In Jesus' Name. Amen.