What Are Thomas's Words?

We have been absent from our family blog for one month exactly as our son Thomas was diagnosed with cancer. We were publishing over at CaringBridge (https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/thomaslauer/), but are now going to try to bring the two together seamlessly in order to continue the family blog I have written for 14 years. This blog post is copied from CaringBridge and is being published retroactively. Please subscribe to our family blog to receive updates as I publish!

I thought some of our readers, especially parents of wee ones among us, might be interested to hear what Thomas's words are to understand what is going on right now.

He knows he has a lump in his belly. Lump is the word he has adopted for it, so we are using that with him for now. We explained that the lump is in a tricky spot pushing on some other body parts, so the doctor can't just take it out right now. Thomas knows that the doctors want to "stop it from growing," but they need a little sample for scientists to study under a microscope. Then those scientists and doctors can know exactly the right medicine to give him to stop the lump from growing bigger. (I don't think he knows about shrinking it yet.)

Although we have never spoken of death, Thomas has volunteered to us that if the lump were to keep growing forever, he would die and go to heaven.

Thomas said to us Monday morning right before we walked into our big consultation meetings: "Mama? Is dying another way of living?" (I asked for clarification because I did not know what he was trying to express at four years old.) He clarified, "If a person dies and goes to heaven, is that another way of living?" I answered yes and hid my tears. God is good to us to speak even through wee tots.

Thomas knows he is going to get a port in his chest today and he was allowed to look at and touch a sample one. He knows it will mean he does not have to get IVs or needle pokes in his hands or arms for when he is receiving future medicine or when "the doctors need some blood to answer questions." Any test is described as "so that we can answer questions." (He does not understand how often this is going to be happening: weekly always and daily at times.)

Thomas knows that he will be given "sleepy medicine" as a drink today and that Mama and Daddy will be with him while he goes to sleep. Then we will be waiting very close by and he knows he will wake up with us there. He knows we will probably come home tonight, but maybe if he is extra sleepy we will spend the night together in the hospital.

He does not yet have any concept of chemo treatments, going to the hospital repeatedly in the future, losing hair or experiencing other side effects, or needing to stay safe from germs. He will learn about that from us and the Child Life Specialist when we formulate his treatment plan.

This morning he is singing at the top of his lungs, feeling happiness, and wanting to take some of his special drawings to the hospital staff today ("to show that I am a real artist").