I feel like we are slipping in to the children watching too much television, yet again. We wax and wane. I'm a no-TV idealist with a weak will. Lord, have mercy on me.
One reads that, if one is going to let the children watch TV, it should be a family activity, with the parents joining the children. That sounds like a good idea, but the only reason I use TV is as a babysitter! If I wanted to sit with my children even more, we'd be doing something productive, not rotting our brains.
So, currently the children get to watch TV while I cook dinner (and by "TV," I mean approved shows on Netflix with no commercials). They're often watching from 4:00 to 5:00 . . . and if I'm really tired they start at 3:30 (having not watched TV all day). I suspect this is a particularly bad use of television for two reasons:
(1) Their bodies are hypnotized and still for at least an hour when they should be running around, using their muscles, so that they can come sit quietly at the table. By the time they come to the table, their brains are totally hopped up on TV, I can see that it makes them wild, they cannot sit still (having already sat still too long), they want to blab uncontrollably about some banal cartoon they watched, and then they are disciplined for being ill-behaved at the table when I set them up for failure.
(2) This sets the example that Mama does all the work while the prince and princess sit and are entertained. I contrast this to the endless scenes in the Laura Ingalls series, which we just read again for the third time or so, in which the girls are always at Ma's side when work is to be done. There wasn't a concept that work was to be done, so Ma set about doing it and sent the girls away. This is the biggest problem, in my view so far, and I want to eradicate it with a fiery vengeance We must learn to work and not be bitter about it.
Now, what is the crux? Why not just turn off the TV? I've already been with the children all day long! We wake up at 6:00, they are with me, helping me, as I cook breakfast, snack, lunch, and snack. We get dressed together, we do school time together, we do laundry together. I engage them in many activities throughout the day, like reading or doing a craft. They get sessions of "free play" in between things we do together. We are literally almost never apart . . .
. . . Except during Quiet Time. I do have a well-established Quiet Time immediately after lunch. Right now it lasts about one hour, but I am in the process of stretching it to two hours. Each child is playing quietly in a separate room during that time.
It would be an ideal solution to send them outdoors to play in the hour right before dinner, but John (almost six) is the only one old enough to play unsupervised in the back yard. At these ages, I still have to spend one to two hours a day sitting in the backyard, supervising them--giving me spiritual opportunities to try to convince myself that that is time well spent on my part, not time "wasted" when I could have been doing "my" tasks.
One might suggest letting the children run off and play while I cook dinner. However, I find I can't leave them alone together for very long these days. In fact, they've been fighting so much lately that I currently have a rule that they are not allowed to be alone together, ever--I mean, not even in the next room. Alone together right now simply means constant fighting and my being interrupted a zillion times to negotiate or discipline. I believe right now something is going on with their ages or personalities that I am putting them in an occasion of sin to let them be alone together, so I try not to do it. They may have free play time together with me in the same room with them. I'm not a parent who lets them "figure out how to get along" because humans are stained by Original Sin and the only thing we can figure out without the light of Christ informing us is that "might makes right," which is very ungodly.
So, back to dinner time . . . In my idealistic vision, the three children would help me cook. I'd exude endless patience after engaging with them nearly nonstop at that point. I'd give them manageable tasks to do. They'd clean up the kitchen from the day and set the table. They wouldn't be screaming at each other about who gets to set out the napkins and who gets to set out the forks, and nobody would be flopping on the ground about how "this is the worst job in the whole world."
When I hear about eight-year-olds who can make meatloaf and roasted potatoes for the family all by themselves, I bet it's not because they were allowed to slouch and watch brain-rotting TV while Mother did all the work lo' those many years.
Maybe part of the solution is simply for me to grow yet again stronger spiritual muscles. I do enforce a break in the early afternoon, so by dinner, I should have been engaging them again for "only" three consecutive hours at that point. Can I tack on one more hour of togetherness?
Alright readers: Any way I can make my idealistic vision a reality? How do you cook dinner? Could I make changes earlier in my day's routine to give me a dose of patience to use during the dinner hour (when normally I am tapped out)?
Hmmm, that is tough. I'm in a similar situation in that we're all up by 6, and there's no break all day long. It's different, though, since I can send all three boys (6, 4, 2) outside alone. I can see them from the kitchen and playroom, and even though it's cold now I do often leave a door or window cracked so I can hear them clearly. I can also let them play inside unsupervied for the most part too. We are in a bit of a bickering stage too between the 6 and 4 year old (middle DS is very particular and can be LOUD), so I do step out to mediate, redirect, etc. Cooking and cleaning together usually works well for us too, though there are negotiations sometimes about who does what. LOL!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, what about an audio book? Or do you use those at nap/quiet time? It's not quite as numbing as TV, but it still offers you a break. Or could you send John outside and set Mary up with a puzzle or game or coloring? You could start small with having them cook with you too. One job each (if necessary I'd consider making a chart for the highly desirable options), then off they go for 30 minutes of TV or audio books. Or rotate nights, if they'll stand for that! John can help with cooking one night while Mary does TV or something else then the next night switch.
I think the thing is that these practices take time. Since TV isn't an option for us, we've had years to work out the kinks in the late afternoon routine. So do not get discouraged! Start really small and do JUST that one thing for a month.
Great ideas, Courtney. Maybe I swap nights for right now, to help avoid so much bickering. Tonight John helps me cook while Mary does an audio book or puzzle. Tomorrow Mary helps me cook and John plays outside. Baby is playing something on the floor or at the table. Audio books are a great idea, as the children adore them. Maybe that is a time for us to listen to one as a family in the kitchen, thus cutting down on conversation which leads to bickering.
ReplyDeleteDitch the TV. We have never had TV and the kids just adjust.
ReplyDeleteYou could create some activity bags or other things for them to do just while dinner is being prepared. Special game time where kids take turns choosing special games from a special closet of games that are only played during this time.
BTW, we actually do own a TV for guests. My mom bought it for herself for her visits. It's in our guest room. But there is no cable and the rabbit ears sometimes pick up a station or two. As long as the weather is nice. And we have no way to play movies on it since we don't own any movie playing devices. But I still hold true, there is no temptation if you don't own it.
Cooking is primary because it is directly linked to eating/living.
ReplyDeleteDo not 'start cooking dinner' at 3:30 pm.
Cook/ i.e. prepare for dinner throughout day as needed. Morning, set tasks, chopping, mixing dry ingredients, etc. Put back in frig.
Make what dishes can be made and stored earlier in day and throughout day. This can feel tedious, perhaps; re-think menus or re-think brain.
Continually have children help, but perhaps one at a time, while other is doing something else. "Now it is Mary's time (not 'turn') to help me.... now John's time to help me..., now Margaret's time...." Other child is at table with home task.
The tv really is a bad idea for all the reasons you spectacularly mention. Also, at dinner in the New Way, Father can query, "In what ways did you help prepare our meal today, Mary/ John?" All begin to see that all contribute to life and food.
Like many new systems this may be approached in stages. I encourage you to work towards a better way. The lessons they are learning as they sit zombi-ized in front of tv prince and princess, as Mother Does All the Work and Grows in Resentment is really not helpful to the family.
While the upstart of this can seem like more work, it becomes less over time. Also, kill, that is, KILL the lie of Martha Stewart, that creature with 6 gardeners and 3 personal chefs. Her way is the way of the lie. You are not required by anyone but Martha Stewart to put out some gourmet garbage day after day or you fail the Perfect Wife test. Trap and lie. Reject.
Teach your children the way they should go. That way is serving God and man. They can start by learning that each of us DAILY help to prepare for meals. Illiterate savages in the jungle are better trained than our children whom we turn into demanding brats. And whom do we then dare to call 'savages'?
Kill tv.
A couple suggestions.
ReplyDelete- This is a season of life to keep things simple, and not try to impress with super gourmet food or new recipes. Just nourish their bodies. Take off some of the pressure that way. Maybe even have the same exact menu every week just so you can do it in your sleep.
- Start preparing dinner that can go in the oven, early in the day (perhaps in the morning when everyone's more fresh). This way you can pop it in the oven and then let them help you with something super simple like tearing salad leaves or whatever last minute things need doing.
I think your kids are a lot more hands on than mine. You aren't less competent or anything. Kids are people and people have different personalities. My kids, starting with my oldest, have always been independent players and I have never ever played *with* them or even had to stay in the room with them to get them to play. So I think you have a more difficult job getting them to manage without you and I totally understand your need to have a people-free break when you need to think.
I think I was still using TV when my oldest was John's age. Don't worry, you /they can catch up. And I got rid of it for the very same reasons you list. (boy do I hate the recitation of the plot of inane cartoons!! aahhh) And my 8 year olds can cook. You'll be fine. The year from 6 to 7 gives an incredible leap of maturity. I didn't believe it until I saw it. If you can't wean the TV this year try again next year. :)
As for audio books, there's a wealth of fun stories on storynory.com available for free - download or listen on the website.
Oh, and re: sibling fights. Have you read any books like How to Talk so Children will Listen, etc? There are really good tips about how to teach them skills of active listening so that they can *learn* to resolve issues - rather than the "throw them in the deep end" approach which is, I think, what you're dismissing. Similar info is in Stephen Covey's books as well. Just a few sessions of helping them mediate and you will probably see some progress. As with anything it is a front end investment. :)
blessings :) xo
This was my thought on it: Oh my, I have never given this all that much thought!! I have no idea what my kids are up to while i make dinner. I just don't give it that much thought. Sometimes they may get to watch a show at that time, sometimes I send them off to play, sometimes they around "helping". Sometimes it goes easily and sometimes it doesn't and I just never gave it much thought. What if you just turn off the TV and see what happens at that time??
ReplyDeleteThat being said I don't think it is a big deal for the kids to watch a half hour of TV while you make dinner.
PS I love the little picture you found to head up this post. :)
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous: I AM SO INSPIRED! I love your point about savages.
ReplyDeleteSarah: I am laughing out loud at the idea that I'm still cooking gourmet food. I should really refer to myself as "assembling" dinner instead of "cooking" it. *You* cook! The problem that takes up so much time is that I have to cook essentially three separate meals (meat, vegetarian, and John) every dinner. But THAT is a whole other problem, even bigger than a blog post.
ReplyDeleteYes, I've read "How To Talk So Your Child Will Listen . . ." Have it on my shelf. I think I do pretty good at teaching negotiation skills. I do it every single time, it's exhausting. But I've been doing it every single time since Mary was 18 months old and here we are, 2-1/2 years later, and they fight. It's really been a recent upsurgence, though, based on the 4-year-old's current personality issues.
Thank you for your encouragement about where you were when your oldest was John's age and where I can head from here.
Jamie: So funny the differences in households! It's fantastic if your kids can wander off during dinner prep and they play quietly and all is well. If my kids weren't fighting nonstop and causing me to be unable to make dinner, I wouldn't be so distressed.
ReplyDeleteI know what happens when I turn off the TV (which goes for 60-90 minutes, not just 30) and it's rough. ;)
Anonymous should write a book! I'd buy it :-)
ReplyDeleteSince you and John are single people, maybe you can triple the recipes you each can eat and have only to reheat/serve them? I guess if I had your dilemma I'd rather eat the same meal 3 nights in a row than come up with 3 meals a night.
ReplyDeleteoh - can you time your dinner prep (or postpone dinner start time) for 15 minutes so that between the time it's ready to eat and the time you sit down, you can take everyone outside for a mandatory run-around break? That helps get some of the pent up aggression and jitters out. I have found that the outdoors is the direct antidote to TV.
ReplyDeleteWell, I have a few thoughts. Not sure if you are interested in my advice since I mostly ask yours and we are not completely on the same page on certain issues and don't have older kids.
ReplyDelete1) I think you need to cut yourself a little slack. I really don't think that even an hour of carefully selected shows while you cook dinner in peace is causing unsalvagable detriment in the lives of the kids. As you well know, my kids do watch and I permit an hour aday. They get to pick when they watch and its usually way before dinner time. So usually they have to play with each other and find some amusement while I cook. My two are not fighting terribly and sometimes I just ignore it, honestly. I feel like dinner is something that needs to be done and that needs my full attention and mommy has to cook, so figure out what you are doing while I do that.
2) That said, my main project/thought throughout the day is dinner. I do it in spurts and I try to have the food cooked early, like by 3 or 4. So in the late afternoon I can let them play outside or whatnot and I'm happy knowing dinner is done. Or, they eat early because they are hungry early and I want them to eat real food instead of snacks.
3) I do also think tv is not the greatest and if I really wanted to eliminate it from my life, I would physically eliminate the tv. My husband won't ever let me do that, but I do wish I could banish the temptation. I think if you REALLY don' want them to watch while you cook, the audio book idea is a good one.
K, I think you do an AWESOME job at it all. I'm sure you provide plenty of learning opportunities to John in the kitchen throughout the day. I'm sure he will be cooking you that meatloaf in no time. ;)
Anonymous: I have three children 2 and under and I have had to rely on television many times during transition periods and it ebbs and flows. Sometimes I do not need it during dinner prep (I mostly do my prep work in the afternoons or I did before becoming pregnant with #4 and needing an afternoon nap) and sometimes it is almost impossible to achieve meals without a distraction for them.
ReplyDeleteI choose programming that will help increase vocabulary and is stimulating for them. My older children are twins with moderate to severe speech delays and I have found the the right kind of children's programming (along with other tools of course) has increased their vocabulary, but it has in no way hindred it. No zombies in my household. When the television comes on in the evenings for a half hour to an hour, it does not mean that the rest of the day is spent in idle. We run outside, paint, dance, and read a ton of books. I give myself one hour to get dinner on the table without losing my mind in the process. I think it's a fair trade off.
Telelvision is what we make of it and it is not all bad. It is the same thing with most man made inventions: always in moderation and used the right way.
Hafsa: I want to make sure you don't feel bad or attacked. Please keep in mind that Anonymous (who knows me) is talking to me in my stage, not you in yours. And her advice, in the broad sense, is appropriate for American children. But nobody with common sense thinks that a mother in your position is bad or lazy for using one hour of TV. Never before in history would a mother have three children two and under, be pregnant with #4, and be ALONE with the children ALL DAY. This is a result of modern times. You do your job extremely well and I'm amazed how your cooking is all from scratch (believe me, mine isn't!) and how often you get your kids outside to play.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous is talking mainly to me: I have very competent 4- and 6-year-olds who are currently hating to help me with dinner preparation--and that's a bad situation!
Wow!!! I've really enjoyed reading all the comments. I dread dinner every day. I usually end up yelling at the children and having a ball of anxiety during all of dinner prep. Ugh! I don't have TV in the house and somedays wish we did, but I know in the long run it really is best for our family. I've found though that most of my problems are that I am a terrible planner. I recently taught my 5 & newly 4 yr olds how to play the card game War. That game can last for HOURS. The 4 yr old will grow bored, but for the most part they'll sit and play it for a huge chunk of time.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm going to keep checking back for more ideas.
Well, there are some great comments already! Definitely things for me to think about too! Before I read them all, I was also thinking two of the same things already mentioned: audio stories and possibly cooking John's and/or your meals in bulk, freezing and having them ready so that most/some of the time you really only have to prepare one or two different meals. I also like the idea of making dinner earlier in the day and/or doing the prep earlier. I would do well to take my own advice here. I do not do it very often, but when I do, at least THAT aspect of my day runs smoothly. And regularly scheduled freezer meals (like chili) give me a break at least once a week.
ReplyDeleteAs for audio stories, my kids are really into the Altar Gang right now. (Another Holy Heroes product.) We just have one episode so far that they have not tired of in several weeks and will gladly listen to it several times a day (and ask for it). Plus it is rather dramatic, so now they like acting along and reciting the characters' lines. They were thrilled that I printed out images of the characters, cut them and laminated them so now they have "figures" to play with!
I think the idea of having only one helper at a time, per day, would be good. If I ever get around to trying to organize kitchen help with my kids, this is what I think I would do.
I really admire how proactive you are as it is! And I am usually taking much inspiration from you!
I think the idea of entertaining the kids while you work, allowing them to feel like pampered royalty, is the problem, not the TV. Some think TV is the root of all evil and some think it is fine, you just need to figure out where you stand. If you really believe it is bad, get rid of it. If you feel some use is fine, then allow some use and stop feeling bad about it. Katherine, you watched TV and you are not an idiotic zombie, but there are many compelling arguments for TV being bad for young children. We live in a world of modern technology and we need to learn to exist in it. Don't beat yourself up for choosing what is right for you. The bottom line is this, TV or no TV, both are perfectly good choices, you just need to be at peace with whatever you pick.
ReplyDeletecon't....
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ReplyDeleteAs for the fighting between the kids, only you know what you are comfortable allowing. Just keep in mind that all people argue and young children are still learning how to control their impulses. I won't pretend to know much about Original Sin as defined by the Catholic faith, but I do know that being fallible is part of being human and part of why we can be forgiven our sins. I don't think the children of pioneer days were free from fighting with each other and their punishments tended to be much harsher than we feel is acceptable in this day and age. This helped intimidate children into desired behavior. When you remember the past don't forget to remember all of it. Our understanding of the way children develop has come a long way, and we do many things that are very positive for our children and their development. You would not find "Ma" engaging the children in arts and crafts time daily and having them go to swimming lessons and dance. You are wanting the positives of those times and the positive things of our generation. "Ma" had to do so much manual labor she didn't have the time to spend with her kids that you have so cut yourself some slack, and if you want to watch some TV, do it. Your children will be amazing people, with or without TV. If you think TV is bad, get rid of it. Your children will be fine, even if they occasionally fight. If you have always shown them how to resolve their arguments they will not be motivated to learn to do it themselves. Maybe the technique doesn't work for Mary, but does for John. Everyone learns differently and has their own personality, maybe Mary needs a different way of handling conflict.
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ReplyDeleteIf I have learned anything in my 17 years as a parent, it's to be at peace with your choices even as we strive to do better. My aim is not to tell you what to do, but to give you the confidence to do what you think is the right solution. Keep trying to wean the children from your constant guidance, you will thank yourself later. Even if they commit a sin, it is an innocent making a mistake that they learn from. It also teaches them that they are responsible for their own morals and you will not always make them do the right thing. That has to be their choice or they will grow up thinking you are responsible for their spiritual well being, just as always doing the housework for them will teach them that it is your job to do all the work.
I think you are an amazing mother, and I know your children will be wonderful people. Just have faith in yourself and try some combo meals, for goodness sake!:) Bake chicken pieces with some lemon pepper, boil some rice, make a tofu patty in the oven next to the chicken, and dump a bag of salad in a bowl. Voila, dinner. I don't know what John will eat, but I'm sure you could make main dishes for him in bulk. Dinner can be meatless for all, sometimes, too. Try a pasta dish with sliced french bread and salad. That only takes 20 minutes to prepare. Or bake individual pizzas and make the dough earlier in the day, that way everyone has their own toppings. Kids love assembling pizzas and it's easy, too! Make a frittata and add italian sausage links on the side for the meat eaters and a fruit salad. That takes time to bake in the oven, but the prep time is super fast. We love having canned chili and cornbread from a mix for dinner. This is super easy and there are some great canned chilis out there, even meatless ones. If John won't eat the chili, give him cornbread and a piece of string cheese. Then slice some fruit for everyone on the side, even apples will be good with the flavors.
I know this is really long, but I felt inspired to fully respond to your request for ideas. The children will be fine if they start to fight sometimes, or keep quiet time at 1 hour and add a second quiet time when you are making dinner. Then you would only have to occupy the baby. Whatever you do, it will be a great decision! I miss you, old friend. I hope you are all doing well and I can't wait to see pictures of the new baby!