BABIES SLEEPING.
This topic causes much debate, consternation, frustration, fatigue, and sometimes despair. Three babies into parenthood and I wish I had answers . . . but I think maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to be less concerned with having those answers.
Lately I've been thinking much about babies napping. Margaret's naps are fairly unpredictable: whether she has one, two, or three naps in a day. Whether a nap lasts only 45 minutes or several hours. What time any given nap occurs. Where any given nap occurs (e.g., arms, sling, crib, bed, carpeted floor, car). The only things fairly consistent are when she wakes (between 5:00 and 6:00 a.m.) and when she goes to bed for the night (between 6:30 and 8:00 p.m. and which you know doesn't mean "sleeping through the night")--although I guess some mothers would think those windows or time are quite broad and not consistent at all!
Sometimes I wonder if Margaret's naps should be very consistent. Maybe I should devote much energy to getting her to take two age-appropriate naps at the same two times daily. That would certainly make it easier for me to know when she would be asleep. I wouldn't bother thinking she's tired, trying to get her to fall asleep, and discovering she's not really ready to nap. I wouldn't think I was going to have a block of time to do something without her, only to discover that she's awake and I can't do the activity.
On the other hand (and I think this is where I am leaning), Margaret's "flexibility" about napping (see my positive spin?) means flexibility for me and my family. She sleeps when she is tired wherever she needs to be.
How on earth would I function in my week with a baby on a schedule? For example, this week:
Monday: The house keepers were here during what should have been Margaret's morning nap, so I had nowhere I could lay her down quietly that the cleaners wouldn't eventually be in or near making noise. So I wore the baby in my wrap and she fell asleep silently while I was doing the kids' School Time. It wasn't a good, long nap, so she crashed very early (noon) for an afternoon nap in her crib. Probably this will mean she does not take another crib-nap today, she'll have to fall asleep very early tonight, and she'll wake up extra early in the morning (thus impacting her whole routine tomorrow).
Tuesday: In the morning, we are attending a homeschooling informational meeting for parents with preschoolers and Kindergarteners, so, again, Margaret won't get to take a morning crib-nap. In the afternoon we have a play date at home, so probably she will sleep well then.
Wednesday: This will probably be a pretty great day for naps because we plan to be home all day.
Thursday: This will probably be an absolutely awful day for sleep because I have to take Margaret to my LLL meeting all morning (where she might sleep in my sling or might be kept awake by the chaos) and then to a banquet at night (where she might sleep in my sling or might scream miserably as we pace the hallways). Let's hope Margaret was really well rested on Wednesday.
Friday: Again, this will probably be an awful day for her napping because we are signed up to "pray for babies" (40 Days for Life in all major cities near you!) in the morning--although riding in my sling, Margaret might just feel like we're taking a walk outdoors and sleep peacefully--and then in the afternoon have our home school co-op, where she'll be riding in my sling again amidst the sounds of children loudly playing.
Saturday: Who knows what that day holds.
Sunday: Sundays always mess up Margaret's naps because we have Mass in the morning, often followed by brunch. Then she falls asleep on the 15-minute car ride home, and arrives home to wake up instantly as we pull into the garage, thinking she is all refreshed when really she is no such thing.
So, really, I ask other experienced mothers: even if I put effort into making Margret's naps highly regular, then how could we live our life with its homeschoolers' routine? And with (we hope) more children in the future will come more activities that will interrupt a baby getting to stay home all the time and sleep. Is this why I see large families in which the babies and toddlers seem to fall asleep anytime, anywhere, even if a friendly stranger is holding them in the midst of a noisy church picnic?
Anyway, while sometimes I yearn for a baby who sleeps super regularly so I know what to expect and get my two-hour nap breaks throughout the day, I think I'm increasingly comfortable with not knowing and just going with the flow. What about you?
Every parent is so different, but I thought I would just give one point of view! Of course, I "only" have three children with one on the way! I tend to be a very scheduled/structured type of person. Therefore, I run my day and my house that way. For me, having my children on a set sleep schedule is important, otherwise they are tired, crabby and worn out. We don't participate in many activities outside the house, which allows for providing set nap times and keep the house clean, laundry done, and meals made...which makes me a sane person and much more calm! We do participate in a few activities, but only as naptimes and such allow. I try to at least keep one of the naps during the day set...the afternoon one. I hardly ever let anything interfere with the 1pm naptime. I'm more flexible with the morning naptime, esp. with babies. At the moment, the youngest is past morning naptimes, so it allows more flexibility, but I know at some point in the near future, we'll be scheduling around a morning nap too! So anyway, when I do have children on 2 naps a day, I try to do any type of playdates, errands, etc around those naptimes...which usually means doing things early in the morning! It's tough to be so restricted by naps, and I'm sure things will change as my older children get a bit older, but up to this point, that is what works for us. It keeps our house much more peaceful and everyone (relatively!) happy!
ReplyDeleteGood luck figuring out what works for you!
4 babies later and I still haven't figured it out! All of mine do the nap on the go, wherever thing... at variable times and for variable lengths. Ah well, they eventually sleep :)
ReplyDeleteAs you know I am super into predictable sleep/nap times. But I think to some extent kids are just different and so you can have different expectations. Ben slept through the night early and fell into routine naptimes early and with no effort from me. Anna, on the other hand, did sleep through the night early, but naptime was totally willy nilly. I did put in an effort to get her on a regular nap schedule and definitely think it was worthwhile, but Anna has always remained the more flexible in terms of sleep. Ben without his nap at his nap time was a nightmare. Anna, as long as she can get a catnap in here or there she can make it through the day with little issue.
ReplyDeleteSo if you want to try to put in a little effort to get the naps on a schedule it doesn't mean she will lose her flexibility overall.
Also I definitely plan to be the same with future children even if homeschooling. I hope to by and large BE HOME. I also have the added bonus that a quick trip out to drop a kid at an activity is not a big deal with a napping baby because my husband is here should anything happen.
Just my opinion/experience. I'm expecting #7 and my babies have exactly ONCE - out of the 6 on the outside - fallen asleep in a stroller. I remember we laughed about it because it NEVER happens to us and always to others. :)
ReplyDeleteAidan and Andrew (#5 & 6) take a regular 3 hour nap, and really sleep, from about 12-3 every day. If we push it to 1, they sleep til 4. It's just what we fell into after Aidan dropped to 1 nap. As far as homeschooling, why could you not do the majority of your activities during baby's naptime? To me it would be VERY stressful not to "know what to expect" as far as about how long and when a baby might need sleep, of course excepting normal variances.
Again this is just my experience - but the more children I have the more convenient and thankful I am for some type of schedule and knowing roughly what to expect from the kids. I do morning activities, but 12-3 is pretty much out for us and then the older kids are home from school, we are gearing up for dinner, etc.
I also (and this could be just variances between babies, but my last several - from about #4 on) do not put much/any effort into "getting baby to sleep". I put Aidan down awake. He is rubbing eyes, clearly tired. I say something like "OK, time for night night!", Andrew and Rose give him a hug, and I put him in his little spot, cover up, with his favorite toy, and he is out within a couple minutes. I think it helps the kid, too, that THEY know what to expect.
Hmmmm. Tough subject.
ReplyDeleteAs the mother of five homeschooled children, I can tell you that the later children sleep during the day regardless of where we are and the noise level and other conditions. They sleep when they are tired. See "So Sleepy" post on my blog. Trying to keep everyone "quiet" is near impossible. So I don't even try. There isn't even a door on the room where Malcolm has his bed.
Thankfully, my standards have loosened a lot. When my kids were all under five, nap was SOOOO much more important. Now with older kids, not so much. They are a huge help.
I am happier now that I follow what the baby wants and have let go of what I want. No more quiet kids and house at certain hours of the day. No more mean Mama. Yes, sometimes we have cranky kids in the evening. And I wouldn't even consider bringing Malcolm to an evening banquet. But my kids are happier and I have the advantage of knowing they will sleep well anywhere.
Good luck! We'll be thinking about you over here.
A-ha! I always know when I've hit on a hot topic because the comments come rushing in quickly.
ReplyDeleteIt is so interesting to see what works for different families. (Yes, TridentineWife, I know we do things really differently, but I learn things from reading your blog too! :)
Christine: I don't think I've almost ever had my kids fall asleep in a stroller either. Slings: all the time. Strollers: you've got to be kidding me.
I've thought about making that early afternoon nap/Quiet Time sacred and protected. One stumbling block is that we finally got involved in our homeschool co-op and it is scheduled on Fridays 1:00-3:00. Ugh! Although, I guess one perspective is that that is only one day out of seven, so why not make the time sacred the other six days at least?
Jessica: Re: the banquet, I may well be crazy. But it's the *one* night per year when I get to be fancy and go out and support a cause I love. And if I don't take Margaret, I promise you she will be screaming bloody murder from when I leave at 5:30 till when I get home at 10:00. I don't think I pay my sitter enough to tolerate that!
I definitely think my children are overtired here and it's a problem. So, I don't have this thing figured out to my perfect satisfaction.
I only have the one kiddo thus far, but I will comment to say that it took me A YEAR to get him on a consistent nap schedule. Oh yes, a year. The books told me if I was completely consistent, it would take a few weeks. That turned into a year. :-) And now that he's finally consistent, I'm militant about protecting nap time--I very rarely go out during when he's sleeping. But when #2 comes in February, I suspect I will have to change my tune!
ReplyDeleteWhat's a nap?
ReplyDeleteSarah Faith: I love it! What is a nap, indeed.
ReplyDeleteSince my third was a light sleeper, I began to think of sleep as a succession of naps--some long, some short. With my first, I never appreciated his naps the way I would now that I have 4. My first two were good nappers, and I lived my life by their nap schedules. My third didn't ever get the chance to find out what it meant to truly nap because she was a very light sleeper and had two rambunctious older brothers. It stressed me to no end to try to get her to nap and stay asleep for a couple of hours. Finally I gave up. Life no longer revolved around "THE nap." With my fourth, she sleeps when she is tired usually in her bouncy seat but soon in her pac-n-play. We are about to leave and I will pick her up and carry her to her car seat. She won't like it for a while, but then she will settle down into round two of her nap. Even once nap consolidation begins, we will still have to live our lives around what's going on rather than a nap schedule. It's just impossible anymore to do otherwise.
ReplyDeleteKatherine,
ReplyDeleteAs you know (but your readers may not know), I also have 3 children about the same ages as yours, and a pretty similar parenting style...
I have struggled with this scheduling/nap thing for a while now...
I've officially surrendered.
Joni is a "good baby," but she won't nap in a crib for more than 15 minutes.
So I've decided to just live life, and surrender to having her strapped to my back in the Ergo where she naps or hangs out peacefully.
I don't pay attention to how long she naps or doesn't nap. If she doesn't nap, well that just means I might get to read a book or watch an episode of TV an hour or so earlier that evening.
My 2 1/2 year old doesn't nap. I surrendered to trying over and over again a few weeks ago.
So we're just living our lives, going to lots of activities, socializing when we want to, staying home when we want to...the baby is just "along for the ride," and you know what? After 4 years, I FINALLY feel like we have a routine down, and I'm feeling good about it...I just had to learn not to plan my routine around the naps...I make a routine, and then just let the baby nap on me whenever, wherever. It's working for us.
I have a teacher come to the house for the 2 1/2 year old 2x a week. The 4 year old does Atrium once a week and we have friends over on that day - the Atrium moms come hang out here while the kids are at Atrium and drink coffee - it's fun. And then once a week we have a homeschool co-op from 9-12.
I strive off of structure & routine, and so do my bigger kids...but I've found that I can have that structure and routine without scheduling naps.
This is super interesting and helpful to hear so many different perspectives!
ReplyDeletehey, you asked for input :-) I would only add that I think flexibility is great during the "baby"-stage, but when they're ready to go to one-nap-a-day I move heaven and earth to make that a consistent 2-3 hr. block (usually around age 10 months and after lunch). This is mostly for my sanity :-)
ReplyDeleteSharon: I can really see what you mean. Once they're in the toddler age, them missing that afternoon nap makes for a nightmare of a little person!
ReplyDeleteLots of good thoughts here! I don't have much to add...we do a mix of on the fly sleeping and at-home sleeping. I've become much more cautious about guarding our home life over the past few months, though. We have simply dropped most things. Church, homeschool Blue Knights/Little Flowers, and swimming lesson for Big Brother (brothers stay home since I'm gone less than an hour) are all we do. You have to find your balance! For us, home is our center since all our children are so young. There will be time for other things later.
ReplyDeleteUm, yeah, I'm sorry...what's this sleep thing you speak of??? :)
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I've found to be even remotely consistent is that just when I think my kids are settling into any semblance of a routine, something changes.
So I've just had to learn to roll with it and take what I can get!