Bonus Reading: "The Important Thing About Yelling" by blogger Rachel Macy Stafford
I have greatly reduced how often I outright yell at my children. I remember years ago--when I probably had only one baby--hearing a friend tell me, "I am a reformed yeller." She didn't yell anymore and I was rather shocked sometimes to watch her not yell even when her children misbehaved. I thought it was weird because that behavior was "worth" yelling over--because I mistakenly thought raising one's voice was disciplining.
Then I had more and more children and found that, if you think things are worth yelling over, you are always yelling (and not disciplining). There is always something to yell about, if yelling is okay. And is yelling okay? For me, having put a lot of thought into it and spoken to priests, I think the answer is almost always 'no.' Obviously, we yell "fire!" and we yell when a child is running into the street, and sometimes I find I still have to yell because all my children are talking loudly at once and they simply aren't hearing me (but I'm trying to find a solution to that problem).
But yelling because I lack the self-discipline to control my emotions and behavior? Do I yell at a teacher? No. A police officer? No. A stranger being super annoying at the grocery store or a driver who cuts me off? No. My priest? No way. My husband? No, not ever. I realize that children hold a different place in the hierarchy of people, but yelling represents my failure to exercise self discipline, not their failure at being normal children.
I noticed that I was way more lax in my discipline when I yelled more, and now I am increasing the discipline and formation of my children while I am yelling so much less often. That might seem odd, but it's not: when I lacked the strength to discipline my rowdy children, I also lacked the strength to discipline myself. Now I am increasing my moral strength, I hope day by day, and disciplining both them and myself more.
One trick I have used is asking myself if the children's behavior in those very trying moments is worthy my sinning--and I have come to think that yelling and screaming at children is sinful, something to be taken to Confession. There are times when I feel like I will "lose it," but I hang on to a shred of self control because I keep saying in my mind, "This isn't worthy my sin! They can't make me sin! I am a grown adult and I am stronger than them!"
I make particular note in Stafford's article above that she noticed that it was her many distractions from mothering that were the problem, not the mothering. She cleared the decks so that there was enough time, enough "padding" of moments, in her days to properly parent, meeting the basic needs of her children, family, and home, without being continually irritable, short on time, ready to snap. I made the exact same discovery and have been working on the same solution for a long time now. I have found this change in priorities to be very fruitful and I hope it is for any other mothers who struggle in this area.
Having lowered the volume of my voice, what I have been trying to figure out for months and months is when an appropriately stern and authoritative tone of voice (used toward children) is instead an inappropriately ugly, rude tone of voice--and what is the difference in quality? This remains a question for me!
I totally admire you. I love your thoughts on discipline going hand in hand with self discipline. That makes so much sense. And I'm sure the modeling aspect of it is also a very big piece.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right that a lot of yelling is sinful/ angry yelling, but I can't imagine a life without some yelling. I grew up around passionate people and yelling is just as much a reflection of who we are as the easy affection that goes along with it and the fierce loyalty toward one another. I guess it depends on one's heritage somewhat. I know for an Anglo Saxon type, it's considered 'losing it' to show strong emotion of any kind, but I can't agree that it is the norm for everyone. I love a person who wears his heart on his sleeve, and is able to cry, and yelling goes right along with that. Look at our first pope, St. Peter. He was definitely a man of passion and though it led to sin occasionally, it was part of his nature and something Jesus loved about him. People who are passionate are given more to sins of anger and people who are more quiet and introspective are probably given more to sins of pride, but they both come with sins and good points, and that doesn't make one better than another. That's my view, because though I would love to yell at my kids less, and plan to try, I honestly wouldn't want a world without yelling. :)
Sarah: Well, I'm definitely an Anglo-Saxon type with all my being uptight!
ReplyDeleteFunny how you posted about this topic. It is something that I have been trying to work on more in myself. I yell WAY too much. I found this great website called the Orange Rhino, that is all about not yelling. Not Catholic, but some great advice.
ReplyDeleteAnna: I will check out that website, thanks!
ReplyDeleteYou have great friends, Katherine! I love what Sarah Faith wrote. Although I have to say that I agree that yelling at your kids is bad, and I'm working on that. I've recently read Laura Markam's book, Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids: How to stop yelling and start connecting (sorry, I don't know how to underline in html). You will not agree with her on discipline, she doesn't believe in punishment although she does believe in limits. Setting limits in a calm manner. Anyway, I will continue on my quest although it is difficult to tame that hot Latine blood sometimes. Also, I see how I got it all from my mothers and I try not to hold it against her and forgive. It is very deeply ingrained though.
ReplyDeletePriscilla: I don't love punishment, but I have yet to figure out how to *enforce* those limits without punishment, especially for the little ones who don't yet possess reason. Using reason is so important when they have reason, but the little kids don't yet have reason. If I could find something other than not-fun punishments that enforced the limit, I'd use it!
ReplyDeleteK- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you liked punishment! I know you don't.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post. I think I needed to reflect on this more. I have realized that yelling is not discipline. I have had days with sufficient inner peace to not yell, but they have been few and far between! (I hope I can change that!) ...Do you ever experience, though, that your children are functionally deaf to your voice? There have been times where I have tried to remain calm, and verbally direct/instruct some child, but they don't hear! And if I am stuck in a chair nursing the baby (or any other number of things), what to do when they don't seem to be hearing?? (especially if they are about to endanger themselves or someone else. Although, sometimes it is just regular misbehavior or rule-breaking.) And if nothing is physically impeding you, but they aren't listening, what do you do? Do you stop whatever you are doing and go to them? touch them? look them in the eye, etc? And then give a consequence? or do they get a consequence for not hearing you/ignoring you? (and is there a difference?)
ReplyDeleteDo you have any books/authors you like for age appropriate consequences/punishments/reasoning? Sometimes I can think of nothing else but, "Go to the corner!!" :P
Sarah W.: I know just the predicament you describe. I don't have all the answers. I think some moms would say that yes, the training up front is worthwhile so as to avoid the ongoing problem of their remaining deaf to our voices while we are stuck, e.g., while nursing. They would say that we should take a week or something and do nothing but train the older child (toddler) to obey our voice and we stop whatever we are doing to enforce, and then that the problem would be much lessened. I haven't done that in as focused a manner as necessary to vouch for its efficacy. It certainly makes sense.
ReplyDeleteBut when we are the mothers sitting on the sofa trying to meet the needs of the nursing baby, the pottying toddler, the 3-year-old wanting to color RIGHT NOW, and the older child needing a meal, it's much harder to walk the walk than talk the talk!