Anxiety Attacks, my Old Friend

(Copied from Facebook)

In the spirit of September being Pediatric Awareness Month . . . 

Anxiety attacks are a familiar part of medical trauma for parents. Mine got so bad while in PICU that I was waking up repeatedly at night already in a full-blown panic attack, plus experiencing them during the day. They slowed down over time and once Thomas was discharged, I would experience them maybe daily for a while when there were certain triggers. For example, the first time I drove somewhere at night, I was driving down Park Road experiencing a panic attack and I realized that for many months, the only place I ever drove was up and down Park Road in the dark when I was switching out at the hospital with Chris (I'd come home after dark and I'd return before 7:00 a.m. when it was still dark).

Anyhoo, I hadn't experienced a panic attack since July when I took Thomas to the Emergency Room until last night when I was switching out his little brother David's clothing. He has outgrown size 4, so I put those all in a donation bin and got out the Size 5 Bin to put clothing in his closet. 

When the huge feelings started swirling at me like attack planes and my heart was pounding out of my chest, I was mystified about why I was experiencing this. Completely clueless! And then I looked at the clothing in my hand and realized they were Thomas's wardrobe when he was undergoing chemo. At that time, he was newly five and I bought him a lot of "loungewear": sweatpants, tee-shirts without collars, and sweatshirts for him to wear on the long chemo days and the sick days at home. Here I was, seeing all those tactile reminders and my body reacted before my intellect could.

I'm grateful that these episodes are now few and far between and that I'm an "old hat" at acknowledging them calmly until they pass.