Recently I heard an idea from a mom of many (nine?) passed on to me by a lovely friend who is also mom to many: Don't have more House Rules than can fit on the white board in your kitchen.
Now, this assumes a couple of things: you have a white board in your kitchen (we do!) and you have House Rules (not yet!).
House Rules are an interesting concept and, we think, a good one. There are rules that are universal, such as, in our home, the Ten Commandments. Then there are House Rules, which are tailored to what is important to you as a couple and are not universally important. Different families will have different House Rules.
I have been thinking about House Rules for a whole week now! I deliver most of our rules to the children as negatives: don't do this, don't do that. The list of things not to do is endless. But perhaps it is a good practice much of the time to give positive rules: goals to aim for, virtues to develop.
So, mom-friends, what would be some of your House Rules? If God could encompass all forbidden behavior in ten rules, can we encompass our behavioral goals onto a white board? How do we come up with our rules? (I have been meditating upon the Ten Commandments, the Corporal Works of Mercy, the Spiritual Works of Mercy, the seven gifts of the Holy Ghost and 12 fruits of the Holy Ghost, the three theological virtues and four cardinal virtues, the seven capital sins and their contrary virtues, and what are specific problem behaviors in the home we don't like.)
These are the rough draft rules I've thought of this week, but I feel like we have much refining work to do:
Speak softly and kindly. (This rule copied directly from that mom of many.)
--This rule covers a wide gamut: shouting at inappropriate times and places, bathroom noises, back talk to parents, mean talk to siblings, name-calling, two-year-old tantrums, teenage flip talk, etc.
Obey Daddy and Mama first, ask questions second.
--This is to try to counteract the constant questioning of "why?" I'm happy to explain things, as I want to teach reasoning, but obedience is more important! I'll catch Mary holding a steak knife and I'll be crying out, "Put that down!" to which she'll reply "why?" as she continues waving the knife around.
We work before we play.
Take care of your own belongings.
--This should cover dirty clothes stuffed into hiding places, shoes on the floor, toys strewn everywhere, etc.
Clean up after yourself.
--This should cover learning to be responsible for one's own messes: clearing plates, putting away arts and crafts, making one's own bed, wiping away one's own toothpaste globs, etc. Can this be combined with the last rule or should they be separate?
Come when you are called.
--This is very specific when we are trying to come up with broad rules. But I think it is critically important, a matter of safety.
Ladies before gentleman.
--Is this silly to have as a rule? It's something we've been saying around the house and the kids picked it up instantly. It has actually solved a lot of shoving and jockeying for position!
I know we are missing many good rules! This exercise is surprisingly hard and has occupied much of my brain for a whole week. I'd love to hear any House Rules you've found tried and true.
A rule I heard my aunt use for years and years: "Life before technology." That meant that we would engage in life (people, face-to-face conversation, chores, activities, eating) before any kind of technology (TV, video games, Walk-man listening, Internet, texting, whatever).
ReplyDeleteWe totally have the "Ladies first" rule. Despite what society believes, I want my boys to grow up to be more than just men, I want them to be 'gentlemen'.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine has this little note written at child's eye level in various palces through her house. First write the word: JOY vertically, then write the words Jesus, Others, You~ coming off the letters. I am always touched by that message.
We have very specific rules when they are little(ages 2 to 6) such as "No toys in the kitchen," and then we expand them as they get older and more able(ages 7 to 9): "Show me you respect your belongings by keeping them neat and orderly where they belong." We don't write out the rules, we expect them to remember them.
I like your white board idea as well, although mine would be covered with everything but what was supposed to be on it!
Jessica: Oh, that JOY reminder is so touching. I really like that one.
ReplyDeleteAs far as writing out rules, since we have only non-readers at this age, really writing anything out would be for the parents' benefit. I'm trying to stop saying our rules in 100 different variants and start saying simple phrases the same way, every time. I think the children will start to remember things more clearly if I say them simply and the same way. I know I'm doing well when I hear the kids parroting the rules to each other. :) For example, they remind each other (meaning, John reminding Mary too!), "Ladies before gentlemen!" many times during a given day.
Our friend Jessica F and her husband have three house rules/principles: Safety, Respect and I can't remember the third! ha ha...(I'll get back to you) but it is sweet and simple and she uses those three principles to encompass all the other things that come up. Although I think she's posted more detailed rules at other times...
ReplyDeleteI tried to come up with some house rules once and illustrated them on a picture of a large stone (sort of like the Hermie and Friends Buzby DVD), and then stuck them in a drawer! Well, I should probably revisit the idea.
I think that even with non-readers in the house the kids know that they *are written* and therefore hopefully feel more accountable. But definitely a good reminder for the grown ups too!
The WHY thing kills me too! I'm always saying, "FIRST obey and THEN say 'yes mom, but why?'"
ReplyDeleteI also like "Finish what you start" for my very sanguine children who start some mess and flit off to the next thing, leaving eggs to burn on the stove (naming no names, aherm*coughSoren*cough)
I was going to recommend the JOY rule too. I think it comes from the Duggars.
ReplyDeleteHere the biggies are to use kind actions and be a helping hand. First time obedience is up there, too!
I like the idea of an if-then chart. It links to Bible verses and gives you a place to write the appropriate consequence. My friend (homeschooling mom of 6) gave me hers to adapt. I can pass it on if you'd like to take a peek.