Christmas Day 5

TODAY . . .

I slept beyond 4:30 a.m., which already started out the day well! Restless legs syndrome and heartburn usually keep me awake past midnight, Charlie horses in my legs and children waking interrupt me during the night, and early morning insomnia has lately woken me at 4:30 daily. I have to look at my children to remind myself that all these pregnancy symptoms are worth the huge blessing in the end.

I woke up--after having fallen asleep reading a wonderful book on preserving that my dad gave me for Christmas--and decided to make Brandied Cranberry Preserves first thing, while still in my pajamas. I am a novice at canning, so I know I was making mistakes and I'm not sure if I actually achieved a seal on the jars.

I spent about three hours like a woman possessed reorganizing my homeschooling supplies. This involved much decision-making about where I think I'd like to be doing schooling and where I think I'd actually be doing schooling. By moving many of my homeschooling supplies, I was able to use my kitchen shelving for books on cooking, housekeeping, gardening, and home maintenance.

I had a visitor over from our church.

I doled out seemingly endless rounds of discipline to both children. Why is it so numbingly exhausting to me, yet they seem to have the energy to overcome anything I can come up with?

I did my daily chores: washed two dishwasher loads of dishes and two loads of laundry, made meals, did pottying and diapering duty, made all the beds, picked up toys, swept the kitchen, and so forth.

I spent 90 minutes unsuccessfully trying to get Mary to fall asleep for a nap (which I know she needed). It usually takes Chris ten minutes to get Mary to sleep whether for nap or bedtime. It takes me 90 minutes of misery that takes me to the verge of losing control of myself. Even when I deprive Mary of a nap (which is more often than not now), she still fights bedtime for 90 minutes with me. This wouldn't be an issue except that Chris travels almost half the time for work, so I face this problem often and it has become my obsession and nemesis over the last six months.

I proceeded to throw a tearful tantrum to Chris for about an hour about how I am a terrible mother, I'm ruining the children's lives, they're ruining my life, and I haven't been a competent human being since I threw my life away to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. It was a pretty dark moment. Most of my mom-friends have way more experience than me, but my mom-friends who are earlier in the journey than me can know that I don't always have advice and encouraging words: I have black moments too!

I then took a deep breath, left the children with Chris for a few minutes, and mopped the kitchen floor, which I like to do every couple of weeks whether it needs it or not (ha!).

I scooped the litter box, which also needs attention every so often too (ha ha!).

I facilitated the children's painting, which is a craft John asks to do almost daily and I let him do rarely because I am lazy about the mess.

I made a long overdue Food Journal for John in which we can draw or paste pictures of every new food he eats, in order to encourage and praise him. He is very excited about it!

I waved the white flag after Mary had unwrapped without permission Christmas gifts on six occasions over the last few days. Now all the remaining gifts are locked away and I will bring out a couple per day.

I ran two errands Chris had been planning to do so that I could get out of the house and away from children. Even mailing packages in frigid weather is a welcome break compared to child care sometimes.

I relied on serving leftovers of our Christmas meal for the third dinner and second lunch in a row.

I got to have some quiet time upstairs after dinner, during which I just lay still and watched the baby doing big rolls in my belly. Thank you for the quiet time, Chris!