The kids and I made him a 'welcome home' sign. Sadly, I must admit that the childish block printing on the sign is mine.
Lately John has been simultaneously bursting forth with some big independence and reverting in other areas, saying, "I just can't do it!" and crying a lot. It's very sad for me. I know some of it is typical reversion when the baby or child is growing in independence elsewhere, but a lot of it I recognize as John's melancholic temperament because I have that too. For example, John asked me three times to draw a house on our sign, so I did. Then when I was doing something else, John drew his own house on the far left. When I saw his first-ever drawing of a house, I was very impressed! He drew a perfect square, then made some windows up toward the top, and his door is down at the bottom, half in and half out of the house. But as soon as I complimented his house, he said, "I just can't do it!" His bottom lip began quivering and he insisted it wasn't even a house after all. The more I said it was a great house, the more he pointed to my houses and said his wasn't like mine. He began weeping. I remember the feelings I had all through childhood and into adulthood (and sometimes even now). I would try my hand at something and not do it perfectly the first time. Then if a loved one complimented me on my efforts, I thought they were cruelly mocking me and outright lying to me, and the sting was so painful coming from a person who should have loved me! My melancholic misperception was so awful and painful! I really don't want John to go through that, but he's been doing a tremendous amount of "I just can't do it!" and crying lately, just as he is, in fact, learning how to do things so well for a three-year-old. I wish I could save my boy from ever having hurt feelings!
from one melancholic to another: I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!
ReplyDeletelast year i read the book "the temperment God gave you" and i rmbr recognizing the melancholic attributes which i have and wanted to scream out: BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE A MELANCHOLIC (in true melancholic form!LOL)
Oh I have seen that phenomenon so often, and after listening to the Parenting Effectiveness Training book on tape a few times I can recognize it in movies and stuff too!! It's quite interesting how well active listening can diffuse that kind of situation.
ReplyDeleteThe problem comes when you start telling someone how to feel and then they spend their energy in contradicting you and trying to be heard/understood.
The way they described it with active listening, you basically mirror the child's feelings back to him so he feels heard and then can actually move past them to resolving his own problem! It's amazing how well it can work.
For instance instead of complimenting the house you could just say what you wrote here, "That is a perfect square." That is specific and true. And when he complains that he cannot do it, you mirror back, "You feel like it doesn't look perfect?" rather than trying to convince him of a concept he doesn't get, which is age-appropriate skill level. Then as he expresses his other feelings continue to mirror them back rather than commenting.
I would be excited to hear if this technique will work on a melancholic, I know it does on my sanguines & cholerics!
Sarah: Thank you for the wonderful advice!
ReplyDeleteThis is excellent commentary my stepdad emailed to me that I want to post to the blog to share with others:
ReplyDeleteAcknowledging, rather than complimenting, is the best route to a melancholic's heart (I have learned through years of study... Katherine). He can see it isn't "as good" as yours and so can you. Saying something like "Daddy will like that you drew a house too" so that the emphasis is on the effort not on the product is a way to get around the contradiction. When he says it is bad or not a house, ignore him and when he compares to yours tell him that it doesn't look like yours because it is his. As you astutely observed "if a loved one complimented me on my efforts, I thought they were cruelly mocking me and outright lying to me, and the sting was so painful coming from a person who should have loved me! My melancholic misperception was so awful and painful!" So the trick is following his lead and not contradicting his evaluation while still praising him.