See, I should have known better than to report Mary's great nights on the blog yesterday because then she promptly showed me otherwise. It wasn't that the overnight was terrible, just that she threw me a curve ball. The prior three nights she had started the night (10ish to around 1 a.m.) with a deep-sleep cycle, so I was able to sleep. Last night she began the night with an alert wakeful time, requiring me to stay awake till at least midnight, followed by a light sleep/cluster nursing cycle for a few more hours, and only entering a deep sleep cycle in the wee hours of the morning. And she's basically been asleep all day, so I'm concerned about tonight!
Anyway, even peaceful Mary tries to keep me on my toes.
Chris' mom has gone home now and we are so grateful for the help she provided last week. I've been taking over more and more duties for the past couple of days and the sense of the difficulties of taking care of two kids is starting to creep in. Now, I'm well aware of how I appear to more experienced mothers. When I look at worried first-time moms with infants, I feel much calmer for them and I can see, "Oh, they're panicking over such-and-such. They have to learn XYZ lesson, but I can't really make them learn it. It will all work out." Now I'm a second-timer and am in the midst of second-timer panic. But now I know there are multiple-time moms looking back at me very calmly, thinking, "Oh, she'll get this lesson. She's just got to get through it. She'll be okay in time." Some things moms can tell me pragmatically, but a lot of things I think mothers just have to experience and learn.
Anyway, the anxiety is starting to set in. When I'm holding Mary, what do I do to make John do something when, at 23 months, he still requires continual physical intervention? I can't handle a kicking, tantruming 25-pound child and a newborn at the same time. When I have to leave the room, where do I put Mary (when I can't take her with me) so she is safe from John, who might not know to be gentle with her? When everyone is crying at once, what on earth am I supposed to do? When John is desperate for a nap and is a complete wretch from overtiredness, how on earth do I get him to go to sleep while I'm simultaneously caring for Mary?
I felt almost entirely incompetent for the first year of John's life, and have spent the last year slowly growing in confidence. Now I'm back, certainly not to Square One, but way back on the journey, not possessing the skills for how to do my vocation!
This morning was a good reminder of what it is like to be caring for a newborn. My doula was coming for a visit at 10:00 a.m., so I took Mary upstairs at 8:20 to begin getting ready, "knowing" I had tons of time. All I had to do was get dressed (five minutes), do hair and makeup (8 minutes), and straighten my bedroom (five minutes). I also hoped to get John dressed (5 minutes). All of that took me an hour and 30 minutes to complete because Mary was in a cluster nursing period, so I'd nurse her, get her asleep, settle her in the bassinet and have maybe 60 seconds before she woke up again needing me. Meanwhile, John was racing around, wrecking havoc and undoing what I was trying to do. But I couldn't stop him because I was stuck sitting down with Mary. Of course, I did end up getting up a zillion times, hauling little Mary around while trying to redirect John, but mostly my efforts were impotent. This reminds me why I never set morning appointments for at least the first six months of John's life!
Well, that's the update for now. Mary is snuffling, so it's time for diaper change and nursing session!
I totally understand what you mean about "speaking too soon." It always seemed that when I told people how well Leo was doing, (i.e. that he slept through the night last night, etc) that the following night he'd revert to his old pattern...or the time I said he was walking because he had taken a few steps, and then he didn't take any more steps until over a month later! I think babies secretly know how to read our blogs ;-) You look beautiful in your pictures.
ReplyDeleteKatherine, Know that you are not alone! I struggle daily with some of those questions. Sometimes the older baby will need some extra attention at the same time that the infant wants to just be close. That's when I have had to let Mary Elizabeth cry for a little while even though I cringe and hate letting her cry that much. But, I can't risk the older ones getting into too much trouble or letting them get away with things that can harm them or others or they need a change or whatever. And there have been times where I have had to transport the carrier or bouncy seat to wherever I have to be with the older boys. At least she's with me instead of out of my sight. Those times of conflicting need are the ones that tear my heart the most. But, this, too, shall pass and then we'll be crying because we miss our babies.
ReplyDeleteBexo's comment reminds me of "speaking too soon" with Emma and her potty training! She was doing so well for a few months that I was excited to tell everyone...then one day, she regressed and we're starting over again. (I think the regression came because I didn't have the hindsight to realize the auto-flusher in a public restroom could be a bit frightening for her...bad Mommy!)
ReplyDeletei can't speak for everyone but i have no idea what you are talking about- i had PERFECT confidence and still do. ha ha ha ha ha!!!
ReplyDeleteevery phase is so new..i'm having to deal with 9 yo boys and what mischief they concoct. honestly, it will all smooth out so much so that you will be quite pleased with the result. i will give you some practical advice though and that is "wear the baby". wearing the baby helps you to get so much more done. rocking to sleep while wiping a bum, nursing while making lunch for john, and just having those arms to hold john while you are bonding with mary. and i stand corrected about the hbac, but thanks for all the support-
oh, one more bit of advice... i found good with a house full of babes- sing the prayer of st. francis...it works wonders on them AND yourself.
It is kind of scary from your perspective, but I'll give you a couple of tips!
ReplyDeleteI did my best to NEVER tell a toddler to do something while I was busy nursing or changing a diaper. It can usually wait until you are able to follow through with him. Just try not to box yourself in giving orders that you can't enforce immediately!
Learn to nurse on your feet! LOL! I remember a mom of 3 chasing her naughty toddler around the playground with babe at the breast when I had just one. A sling or other carrier is great for taking some of the weight off if she fits. My slings didn't fit for nursing so I just had to hold the baby on my own.
Prioritize. When they're both crying, do what needs to be done first. If Mary nursed 20 minutes ago, she'll be fine while you quickly put John in timeout, or whatever. The great thing about siblings is that kids learn they're not the center of the universe and other people have needs too.
Enjoy them!
sara, those are great tips!
ReplyDeletei've definitly racked points on the "different positions, places, and times you can nurse" list.
it was tricky but a relief to learn how to nurse while cooking, bc it seems like baby is always hungry at that time.