This afternoon, John escorted me to a movie. Unfortunately, as handsome as this young man may be, he isn't a very good date. At best, he squawked happily (too loudly) in the theatre and at worst he cried. Yet every time I walked into the lobby, he was quiet again! Here are photos of my "date" on the university campus where the movie was shown:
John is showing me a leaf he found. His latest thing is that he holds an item out for me, expecting me to kiss it.
I would like to recommend that everyone make the effort to see The Business of Being Born. Local groups are offering limited previews, which is what I attended. The film will be released in January, but only in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. It will be available on Netflix in February . . . however, you will have to get in line because I'm adding it to my queue now! Even if you think you know all there is about birth, even if you're done having your babies, please, I think everyone--and especially every woman--should see this documentary! (Forewarning: This movie contains a lot of nudity in the context of birthing.)
In a rare moment of exposing self-pity on this blog, I'll admit that I am very disappointed to have missed as much of the movie as I did, what with spending most of my time in the lobby with John. (Chris was supposed to come with me and watch John in the lobby, but a business engagement arose that Chris absolutely had to attend and precluded him from coming to the movie.) I believe that first-time motherhood is deadly in a St. Paul dying-to-yourself kind of way. This year has been one full of the death throes of my ego and self-focus. Chris and I have made certain parenting choices which are not convenient for us but which we think are better for John. We think John is too young to be left with a sitter and, although he'd probably do fine alone with his Daddy now, I still haven't been able to leave him with Chris for more than about 15 minutes without feeling anxious about being apart from my son. So, while this was "just a movie," it is only being shown once, it is on a subject about which I'm passionate, and this was the first "luxurious" thing I've tried to do for myself in 11 months (343 days to be exact) . . . yet I couldn't even have an hour and half to relax, as is the mother's lot. John is getting older and soon won't need me as much in a 24/7, immediately present, providing-all-his-nutrients kind of way. I certainly count my blessings that having a child has helped me learn to shed as much of my selfishness as I have (and I have a long way to go) because there's no way I could have done so without a baby to force me. All right, pity party is concluded!
Katherine, I'm slowly learning that as mothers, we are allowed to have a pity party every so often. We can't be perfect all the time, even if we try. Those first few months, I was so gung ho about NOT being selfish that I would exhaust myself and snap at my husband. Now, for a moment of day-to-day "luxury," in the evenings when Jason is home, I'll spend an extra few minutes in the bathroom so I can read a magazine article. :) Even the tiniest thing can help.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, we have my Mom spend a few hours with Emma every so often so Jason and I can get away. I of course feel guilty...and after reading your post, realize just how much more selfish I am than you (and in so many other ways than just this)!
You're doing an amazing job with John!
Janeane: Thanks for the kind words.
ReplyDeleteI do have to learn the balance of not exhausting myself so much that I don't meet obligations in any other part of my life. That's a tough one.
Chris and I had made certain parenting decisions ahead of time anyway, but then John proved to be moderately high needs (a la Dr. Sears' definition)--certainly not a placid baby. So I've considered this first year to be one in which the baby and I are essentially one. John sleeps with me at night, takes about half his naps on me in a sling, bathes with me, and spends all his time toodling around with me. You can see why I will benefit from John now being old enough that I can probably leave him with Daddy for short periods!
It's been such a blessing to me, however, to live the principle of holding the baby until he asks to be put down instead of leaving the baby down until he asks to be picked up. Challenging, but a blessing!
This is the way that I've always parented. We never used babysitters either. We did occasionally allow the grandparents to babysit, more because they wanted to than because we wanted to. It was good for them, but one of those things that made me, as a parent, very uncomfortable. Especially when they aren't always in agreement with your choices, it is difficult to let them have an hour alone, yet, somehow, I do feel that grandparents are entitled to a bit of time...even if it is just that momma stays in the other room, lol.
ReplyDeleteI would have to say, the first 9 to 10 months of Emma's life, she was pretty "high needs" as well.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't so much as walk out of the room to get a glass of water, out of her view, without her bursting into tears. And for several months, NO ONE but me could hold and carry her around, and if I set her down for a brief moment, she'd have a melt down. Very much a Mommy's girl.
I had to became quite proficient at doing things with one arm! I'd have Emma in one arm, nursing, while I typed emails, made dinner, etc. with the other.
The past month or so has given me a bit of a breather, as she's become more willing to spend time away from me. Hmmm...just in time for me to start all over again.
Lily: Another "weirdo" parent! ;) So, when did you start feeling comfortable leaving the babies with your husband for short periods? (I imagine that that answer changed between Baby #1 and #6!)
ReplyDeleteJaneane: Yup, just in time to start the cycle anew! ;)
ReplyDeleteBarely at all for the first year, unless they are on a regular sleeping schedule and I can feel assured that the baby would sleep nearly the entire time while I was out.
ReplyDeleteMy third child would go down at 8 and not get up until morning. With no. 3 I would meet a friend for cappuccino from 9-11pm, once a week. LOL. My third child was the only one quite so regular with their sleeping patterns, but with the others I always figured out at time where I could sneak off for a bit.
Another good time is in the afternoon. After nursing and lunch (after the first birthday) often the baby is contented to play a bit. Daddy loved that play time, and so did the baby. With most of them I found there was a 'window of opportunity' during the day where I could leave daddy in charge and take a little time once in a while. I'm sure John will cherish a little Daddy time, and you will all know when the time is right.