Day 130: A Day of Many Emotions

Duplicated on our CaringBridge site for permanent record here.

March 27, 2021, written by Mama

130 days in the hospital

• 63 in PICU
• 28 in the Oncology ward
• 15 at In-Patient Rehab, and 
• 24 back in the Oncology ward.

Special Note: I am sorry for the confusion I obviously caused by my last blog post! A number of people contacted me congratulating us on Thomas's intended discharge, which they thought would be the following day. I realize part of my writing was confusing: We have missed discharge dates three times in March so far, and the last one intended was almost two weeks ago. We think Thomas is close, but nothing is official and honestly won't be until the very day of discharge.

Living in Sight of Death

Tonight I am flowing with tears every few minutes as I reflect on the third-this-week very frightening security issue with another family on the floor and on the death of a child on this ward. I won't share the details nearly live time on this public venue, but I will say that a mother's keening after her young child's death is like nothing I've ever heard or ever seen imitated in a Hollywood movie the way it sounds in real life. Living here for four months means I've heard it repeatedly now and it slays my heart. The screams become wordless and primal. The grieving mother today screamed for nearly half an hour while I stood right inside my hospital door crying.

There are saints throughout history who made it a habit to keep a skull near them, perhaps on their work desk, to remind them to meditate upon how death awaits us all. I am not so holy to seek out that mortification, but God is allowing me this meditation right up close. I pray that I actually grow in virtue from this experience.

An Otherwise Quiet Day

Today was a beautiful day. 

I worked very hard at the house to get it ready for Thomas's hoped-for homecoming. I won't bore you with all the details and photos until he actually is home, but we think we are all set for this boy!

Meanwhile, Thomas and his daddy had a nice day. Thomas finished his wind chimes (currently hanging on an IV pole!), rode his tricycle, and made a super hero mask.

I then represented Chris and myself at a baptism: we've been chosen as godparents to a beautiful baby girl! We are so honored by being asked to help in a child's faith as she grows up.

Changes in Babysitting Help

Back at home, this was our beloved babysitter's last day, as her family is (rather unexpectedly to us) moving away. This sweet girl in our homeschooling community approached us in December and asked us if she could simply come and take care of our children as her gift to us. She discerned that God was calling her to this. Miss S---- has earned and merited my complete trust as she filled my shoes at home. She homeschooled the children, ran mealtimes, did our laundry, engaged the children in doing their chores and then some in order to keep the house very orderly, and helped form the children spiritually, as well as bringing much fun, joy, and music sing alongs to our home. A few days ago, she and the kids had a goodbye celebration going bowling and eating at a Mexican restaurant. 

Our children are heartbroken, but we count our blessings for the three undeserved months we had S---- helping us during our most acute need. God provided exactly who we needed during that time.

Monday . . . a new babysitter arrives to help us!

Thank You

Numerous people have sent Thomas sweet gifts this week, for which we are always so grateful. A whole group of people whom we don't even know sent Thomas about 20 handmade cards, which have been so fun to look through. A sweet lady sent him three peg dolls of two priests (Fr. Kapaun and Fr. Henry!) and a little altar boy (Thomas one day!). Today a thoughtful coworker of Chris sent Thomas a darling pair of sloth pajamas, which he is sporting as he sleeps at this moment. 

Please, God, let me be grateful even during fatigue, even during weariness of serving Thomas's needs or "simply" being a mother to all six of our children. Let me always remember, moment by moment, that there are mothers who went home today without their children and are now living a permanence of which I am scared even to contemplate.