On Monday, we did my biannual scrubbing down of the front and side porches to the house. As much as I like the black mold that grows on all the white wooden railings and the spider webs that fill the nooks and crannies, they have to go sometime!
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| I am thrilled that we are in such a regular rhythm of the children and I doing daily afternoon chores together that they don't even balk, they just run to do the chores and even seem to quite enjoy the family work. I need to teach them "Whistle While You Work" because they'd love it! |
During the challenging transition from two to three children (which I've always heard is the hardest), I had the help of a nanny three afternoons per week and housecleaners twice per month but, for various worthwhile reasons, don't have either anymore. I am definitely feeling the weight of all the domestic work and I find myself having to live by my Household Management Binder: search online for that term and "large families" and you'll hit a mother load of guidance! We do exactly certain chores on certain days or they won't get done. Still, I continue to discover tasks that my housecleaners must have been doing because I sure am not getting to them!
Some of the benefits to my no longer having that professional help (because we must focus on the positives!) is that the children are in a better routine, they're more bonded to me, I've had to humble myself about what I can and can't do, I've had to rise to the organizational challenge (which required research, learning, and implementation), I've had to teach the children to do physical labor because there is no way I could do it alone, I've had to step up my discipline in order to get the routine happily in place, I've learned so much more about time management, and my supposed need for time alone or doing tasks alone has further reduced to a few minutes in the morning and a couple hours at night.
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| Within days of learning to sit up by himself, Joseph had gone from ten seconds at a time to ten minutes at a time, so he just chilled out in the grass while his siblings scrubbed. |
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| I get to look at this boy all day and all night, and I still feel like I could just eat him up! |
Joseph is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThat's great, Katherine. I love how you get the kids to help out! We also stopped having hired cleaning help (I used to have someone come 1x per month)...so I'm in the same boat!
ReplyDeleteHow much balking did you endure before you arriving at this point? :)
ReplyDeleteSarah: You know, it's hard to remember . . . I did do a fairly radical shift on how we handled work as a family. I saw that I'd fallen into the trap of setting up the children with entertainment so that I could do chores, which was setting them up to be brats, princes, and lazy. It really struck me when I'd say, "Okay, I'm going to clean the kitchen" and they'd shout gleefully, "We get to watch a show!" Yeah, not cool.
ReplyDeleteSo I began explaining that I was hurting their souls by depriving them of the opportunity to work. That I was damaging them by teaching them that it was okay for able-bodied, strong children to sit around while a grown woman worked. We began working together (which I think works so much better than sending children off to do chores alone--especially at these young ages, as are ours).
It really helps us to have a routine. Afternoon chores are just WHAT WE DO when they come out of Quiet Time. It's so routine, they don't remember to balk. It also helps to have pleasant routine items always on the horizon, such as, "We're going to clean the bathrooms now and then I have afternoon snack ready!" It's not like a bribe (which is bad), but a gentle reward--although I do avoid outright saying, "If you do the chore, then you get . . ." because that sets up the idea that they could say no, which they may not.
So, how much balking did I get during the transition? I really can't remember. I certainly got some. I pushed through some areas hard: like picking up toys was really hard for them. So I stopped fighting it and got a bin: I said that the toys still on the floor in five minutes I'm going to come in quietly and cheerfully and pick up for them. They will go in Mommy's Bin where I will hold them hostage until the children do even MORE chores of my choosing to earn them back. And the child would scream and wail on the floor as I sweetly picked up the toys, me not discussing it anymore. Doing that a few times really taught them that I was serious.
It's been going so smoothly for months now, I'm really pleased. I'd say I did a major increase in their chores during pregnancy with #4, then another increase after he was born.
Thank you for sharing that! I've been trying to get the kids more involved with chores, but hadn't thought about *doing them together.* That small detail already bore fruit in one day! I told the kids we would all fold the small basket of laundry together this afternoon. J. exclaimed a few minutes in, "This is great! I like doing this together. We should do this - every day!" Now, it's not that I'm expecting that every time - certainly not! (and as Simon was doing flips on the couch he was exclaiming THAT is what he would like to do everyday), but it was heartening to get that feedback that it makes a difference to the kid(s) to be doing it *together.*
ReplyDeleteAnother pragmatic question though... if you're all doing something like cleaning bathrooms... are you all spread out each cleaning a different bathroom? Or do you stay with the children help?/supervise?/clean any spots they miss?
And do you think you have found a balance between instructing vs nitpicking and/or appreciating that they helped vs. being concerned that the end result is not satisfactory? or is that a work in progress? :)
Sarah: Yay! Yes, I think it makes a world of difference to be working together.
ReplyDeleteThere's intimately working together, like all folding the same load of laundry. And there is all doing chores in the same block of time, but maybe one child is doing one task, another child a different task, mama a third task, etc.
When we just started out, we did everything together-together. I'd stand in the bathroom and watch them and instruct them, and I'd be wiping down something too, so we were doing it together. Sometimes I despaired that there was no point to it all because I wasn't saving any time. But then they got so good at the chores and so willing that I didn't have to stand over them. In fact, they were the ones who would say, "No, no, Mama! I can do it myself! You go wash the dishes and I'll clean the bathroom." And sometimes they'd start surprising me, just having cleaned the bathroom (or whatever)! That's when I knew I didn't have to be in such close proximity.
I think it is a work in progress to balance instructing while appreciating their good efforts, despite the imperfections. I also vary by age. John may be cleaning one bathroom and Mary another and I'll let some things go in Mary's because she's four, but I'll offer some helpful tips to John. Or I'll step up his game, introducing a new element to what it means to Clean the Bathroom.
I definitely try to keep it positive. When I've been nitpicking, that makes the children not want to help. Right now at these young ages, my highest goal is to teach them how to work and to enjoy work. While they are learning practical skills already, that is of lesser priority to me right now.
I'd enjoy hearing more about progress in the area of chores in your family!