Today Pop-Pops (who is visiting) and I took the children on a field trip with other homeschoolers to Schiele Natural History Museum.
Like on most bloggers' posts, the above photos paint a beautiful picture, but one that is lacking the fullness of the truth. This is the first year that the kids have been old enough for me to bother doing many school-type field trips with them. But now they are a really fun age and there are so many opportunities to do activities, trips, and classes with other homeschoolers! What an exciting time!
Yet a few weeks into it and I already have no idea how other homeschooling mothers do it.
This morning we had to be out the door before 9:00 to meet with the other families at the set time. I was racing around to get everyone ready. John is beyond the age of doing purposeful mischief very often, but he was being a typical four-year-old space cadet: being distracted, getting underfoot, forgetting what I said as soon as I finished my sentence, losing everything he needed to hang onto ("John, where are your socks that you just had?!"). Mary is at the age of doing purposeful mischief every time I turn my back, so she kept needing my attention. I barked at her to leave the sandwiches alone when she had climbed up on the counter and was trying to eat our packed lunch. Then she burst into weeping tears, I asked why she was crying, and she answered, "Because of the way you talked to me!" Here I am, trying to take my kids on an enriching, fun trip with their loving mommy and I make my daughter cry (by a needed correction, but done in an ugly way): Yes, give me the Mother-of-the-Year Award!
So then I made the kids sit on the windowstill and be still. That got to be another moment where I got to feel humiliation for prior judgments. I've heard of mothers doing that and I distinctly remember a particular time a mother of 10 was talking about how she got everyone ready for Mass and had some extra minutes, so she made them all sit on the sofas and not get up till it was time to go. What is she? Some kind of Nazi? I wondered at the time, thinking of sad little kids lined up on a sofa (as if that was some kind of torture).
Yes, well, now I get it. Because kids on the loose who are not yet old enough to be helping slow everything down and make mama's blood pressure spike through the roof, so it is better to just sit them down in a row and have them wait.
How many times have I judged others, O Lord?!
So, meanwhile, Mary is getting into mischief left and right, John is being a space cadet, and the baby has been screaming nonstop for 20 minutes because I am racing around, trying to get us out the door, and I can't get to her (knowing she is fed and dry, she just wants me to hold her). That is another judgment I get to sit uncomfortably with. I can think of at least two specific incidences of mothers telling me about times they had to let their babies cry so much more than they ever wanted to because of the competing needs of the other children or (gasp!) the needs of the mother (e.g., "I had to let the baby cry for a few minutes because it was nearly noon and I still hadn't been able to eat breakfast"). I felt condeming feelings about those mothers because surely they weren't trying hard enough. There's always a way to meet all the needs of all the children. A mother can keep the baby happy, keep the other kids safe and happy, and herself sane, right?
Yes, well, now I 'get' that one too. My poor baby is sometimes left to cry because I simply cannot do it all. And I hate it.
This morning was one of those times. I felt terrible feelings inside, and every moment more this chaos was continuing, I was condeming myself for not being able to do it all right and get it all perfect because We Are Going On A Fabulous Field Trip And We Are Happy!
Of course, the baby wasn't happy when crying the 45 minutes on the way to the museum.
I don't know how many activities we're supposed to do. If I do an activity in a day, I can't seem to manage (yet) to do any school time. So, that is pathetic. How am I supposed to do museums, art classes, music classes, sports participation when a single activity in a day seems to preclude my ability to teach the children any schoolwork?! I sit comparing myself to others. Why is it so hard for me to get my three measly kids to a field trip when a mother friend who has seven kids nine and under gets to the 7:00 a.m. Mass 30 minutes from her house three weekdays per week? And so on, I could provide comparisons unfavorable to myself ad nauseum, but God doesn't want me to do that. Think St. Therese and the Little Way, think of how we are to do the best that we can with the abilities God gave us, but not more than that. Think of St. Teresa of Avila and how each person's candle given by God is a different size and flames will burn different brightnesses accordingly.
Suffice to say: This morning's beautiful photos of fun at the museum do not reflect the bigger picture of my not knowing what I am doing, not knowing how much I am supposed to be doing, not knowing how on earth other mothers do so much more than this, seemingly with love and competence and fun and orderliness.
On my computer is Galatians 6:9: "And let us not grow weary in well doing: for in due season, we shall reap, if we do not grow weary."
My husband says the morning glory picture is 2 different plants: morning glory and a fruit in the watermelon cucumber family (pepo?).
ReplyDeleteHe thinks the other is Tartarian Honeysuckle – Lonicera tartarica.
Looks like you had a great day.
I know what you mean about feeling like you just can't do it all. I have a hard time accomplshing school with Will when we go just to the grocery store. (And btw, major feelings of failure here that I don't know if I shared with you yet: I had to send John Joseph to PS for kindergarten. :-( I'm only half ok with the decision. So far it's good, but he will hopefully be home next year).
I think you're doing great. Life with kids is moment by moment. Some days are perfect and some aren't, but it sure is nice that we have been so blessed.
Don't feel bad, and DON'T compare yourself with others! I'm the mom who could get all her 6 kids out the door for morning Mass, but I never had a "Mary" in the bunch. I read your stories and I know that she's completely different from any of my children; I never had to deal with the amount of craziness you do from her. Sure, maybe one climbed up the outside of the stairs, all the way to the top...once...but that's it.
ReplyDeleteI believe in baby-wearing and not letting babies cry, but those later babies sure cry more than the first ones did. But remember, that you're probably at the most difficult stage. I always though 3 kids was the hardest, mainly because the oldest isn't quite old enough to be a big baby helper yet. The next one is easier! Then the baby doesn't have to cry as much because John can help more.
Oh, and I could take 6 kids to Mass, but not 3! See the difference?
As you know, my children are roughly the same ages as yours, and here is my answer: SLOW DOWN. I had days like you describe trying to get us out the door (although my oldest is very helpful), until I said "enough!"
ReplyDeleteProtecting my children's routine and their senses (young children are overwhelmed *so* easily), is far more important to me than anything else. We have dropped co-op and other structured events this year, and we only do playdates or other trips one day a week (plus church on Sunday). There is plenty of time for more activities other times.
They are VERY young (my oldest is *just* five, and John is four!), and we have a lot years to take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities around us. Your mileage may vary, of course, but I'm trying to fill our days with meaningful play, work, and consistency at home.
Be gentle with yourself! The woman with 7 kids is probably not stuck in the Tunnel of Parenthood (see below) - meaning that unless she has multiple sets of twins and her kids are all 4/5 and under, her kids are older than yours, and even a 7- or 8-year old can hold or pacify the baby in some way without as much worry of the child getting into constant mischief. I remember those days all too well. Our oldest was six when child #3 was born, and there was such a huge difference in her ability to help than when she was four. When the 4th was born, the older three were 10, almost 8 and almost 4. I had awesome built-in helpers, and that was the ONLY way we were (and still are!) ever able to make it to Mass on time at 8:30 on Sundays.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the home schooling and activities go, the only thing I've been able to come up with is that (and this is just for me and my personality type) I have to limit outings severely because if I go out too much, schoolwork, housework - something has to be sacrificed, which has a tendency to make me crazy. The flip side is that staying in 5 days a week makes me crazy too. It's difficult to find a happy medium, but I've definitely realized that for me, the frustrations and feelings of ambivalence often are an indication that I need to be willing to let some things go and not try to do so much. This was an excellent article that really spoke to me: http://onemoresoul.com/news-commentary/the-tunnel-of-parenthood.html
Blessings and hugs to you!
Thank you, Mamas. You are making me cry!
ReplyDeleteEnid: Thank you for sharing that article. Again, MORE tears from me.
ReplyDeleteI'm *so* grateful to be in a community of women with big families so I can see outside of this tunnel. I have so many examples of happy families to look at and--so, while I might not know how those mamas DO IT ALL--I can see that they are doing a lot and happily, so I know I can probably get there someday too.
Thank you for the encouragement! Going through these Early Years would be totally different if I didn't see what the future could hold.
I was thinking of the "tunnel of parenting" too! I recently read that article. And while I don't feel as these years are "dark," I certainly see how so much more is *physcially* required of mom when all the children are young and it is intense!!
ReplyDeleteAnd to answer your question about how other HS moms do it - as for me - I don't!! I am wowwed that you are doing as many outings as you are (that I read about on the blog anyways) and when those little field trip and activity announcements come up I get excited, "Wouldn't that be fun?" and then I picture myself wearing an infant while bouncing vigorously, chasing a two year old and trying to have a teaching moment with a five year old and then I sigh and say "Maybe next year we will be ready."
Wow, and here I sit wondering how you do so much! I'm enjoying reading your blog so much and finding much inspiration.
ReplyDelete