I had wondered if the 28-month spacing God gave us between the girls would make differences compared to the 23-month spacing He gave us between John and Mary. One thing I was particularly interested in was John's jealousy of his little sister that sprung up as soon as she was mobile.
Indeed, right on schedule, I am seeing that emotion anew in Mary of her baby sister Margaret. What I remember from the first time around is that John was so sweet to his baby sister until she hit about six months old and was mobile. As soon as she began reaching for "his" toys, he became very jealous and upset. He hit her every time I turned my back for the next nine months. Boy, those was a rough stretch of time for me!
Then they became best pals!
Now here is Mary and she was nearly half a year older than was John when she became a big sibling. Would that make a difference? I also wondered if it would help that Mary has never known a day when she did not have to share toys and my attention, whereas John had to be unseated from his throne of being the only Prince in the castle. I don't know the answer yet about how all this will unfold, but I do know that Mary's jealousy has sprung up fully formed in the last two weeks.
Margaret is now reaching for toys and starting to "scooch" (not yet fully Army crawling). The baby toys I had brought out of retirement (e.g., rattles, soft balls, jangly things) Mary is now claiming are "mine, mine!" She throws a tantrum if I hand a baby toy to Margaret and yanks it out of her hand. Will the hitting start next? Oh surely I hope not!
I'm not sure what to do differently than I'm doing. Often (at times of non-confrontation), I cozy with Mary and tell her warm stories about how when John was a baby, he played with this little rattle, then when Mary was a baby, she played with this rattle, and now that Margaret is a baby, she plays with this rattle! And we take turns! Big smiles, pat pat, lots of love. I even talked to Mary about all the Big Girl Toys she gets to play with and Big Girl Things she gets to do, and she screamed at me, "I don't want big girl toys! I want baby toys!"
Maybe time is the other necessary balm to this wound!
I don't know if there is a fool proof method, or we'd all have perfectly contented children all the time! I'd say that the toys are all MINE and I'm am sharing them with Margaret (and Mary) now. That, and the simple rules that we don't take toys away from others, ever, and if we can't share our things, we can't have them either.
ReplyDeleteBut the reality is that you keep repeating the rules while the "tincture of time" takes effect. :-)
Sara: I'm glad to hear you say that! What Chris and I have always said (which sounds kind of Communist) is, "None of the toys are yours (John) or yours (Mary). The toys are ours. You may use them as long as you take turns. If you won't take turns/if you can't stop fighting over them, we will take them away." And one of our top rules is, "We do not yank toys."
ReplyDeleteI know Mary likes to be "her own boss" and I wonder if she might respond to the suggestion that SHE give Margaret a certain toy or her choice from a selection of toys. Perhaps if she does the giving, she'll do less taking? I don't know. Teresa is usually so sweet to C, giving him things when I ask her to and even voluntarily sharing her beloved blankie with him when he's upset. But if I give her blankie to him, now that miffs her a bit.
ReplyDeleteAh these are things I wonder about just having the one. I have no advice, but will be watching eagerly for other mamas ways that work! I love Sara's idea.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, this stage will pass quickly!
ReplyDeleteWe have never encountered any jealousy issues until Malcolm was born. My Margaret (over three years of age) was a beast for about two months. Now Malcolm is her "very best brudder" and she shares her best toys with him. Don't know if the worst is yet to come or if we lucked out yet again.
One thing I have learned is not to expect anything!