Magnetic Mary

Mary has a truly magnetic personality. I saw it in her as a baby, but even more so now. For example, in almost every store we spend time in or at public events, she gathers a crowd around her. Yesterday I spent almost two hours in a fabric store with the children. Within minutes of arriving, Mary had called attention to herself and was "giving a concert," singing song after song (very well!) to a circle of strangers standing around her. This went on for ten minutes until I put a stop to it! I had to stand back and laugh because this is entirely common with her. John at this age wouldn't have gathered a crowd around him and, the more stranger eyes staring at him, the more he would have sat on my hip for comfort. One woman listening to Mary singing finally sort of snapped out of it and remarked, "I'm not even doing my shopping!"

Mary draws people in with something innate to her personality but also by literally calling out to people. She'll call across the room, to the next restaurant booth, or to someone next to us in line, "Hello, sir! What are you doing? What is your name? How are you?"

Being charming is a highly valued character trait in American culture, but I look at it from a spiritual point of view. It is neutral and can be used for good or for ill. At 25 months, it is cute and remarkable when Mary sucks all the attention in a 2,000-square-foot store to herself, but she is already showing annoying tendencies to demand that nobody sing a song with her ("Don't mess up my song!") and interrupting adult conversation as boldly as she can figure out (dancing around in circles, shouting, "Look at me! Look at me!"). It stops being so cute if she becomes the four-year-old who throws a snotty tantrum at another child's birthday party because she isn't the sole focus of attention, or who becomes mean when the group of children won't follow her lead in a game. It stops being good if she becomes the school-aged child who can't share and who interrupts the classroom because she has to be the one "special" child out of 30. And we can all think of the downright darkness that some adults embody by using their God-given charm and magnetism.

I don't want to be morbid, I just think it is fascinating and important for parents to study their children's temperaments and see in what directions they will need help being formed in order to be "good and civilized" or "holy and a saint-in-the-making," however one chooses to think of it. John has needed help learning to come out of his shell, to extend friendliness to strangers, and to step away from Mama (and he's done beautifully so far). Now I can see that Mary will need help learning that she can't always have center stage, she can't always demand attention from others, and sometimes she has to be actually quiet. From my Catholic perspective, charm should be used to draw people toward looking at the (true) glory of God, not toward looking at the (false) glory of self. Properly formed, using one's charm and magnetism can be beautiful and holy traits. In retrospect, we can see that many saints were cholerics (which I believe is Mary's temperament), especially founders of Holy Orders--because such founders need to be magnetic, to draw in religious radicals to start something new and bold.

For those interested, one of the best sources of information on temperaments from a Catholic perspective is this conference given by Mother Mary Bosco. It's pricey, but worth it to me, as it can be listened to anew concerning every new child at every new age and stage of development, as well as concerning oneself and one's spouse.

Bonus Tidbits:

You know you're at a Catholic family event (homeschoolers' free play in the gymnasium) when you witness a mother calling her brood to her (the eldest being about eight years old) . . . "John, Mary, Peter, Jude, Aidan, Miriam! Time to leave!" Warms my heart!

On Friday morning Mary was eating Os cereal and told me tenderly, "Look, this is the Mama Cereal. This is the Baby Cereal!" Gender differences in action!