Blogs certainly don't tell the truth. If I take a picture of the nightgown I sewed Mary, I should take a picture of the kids zoned out in front of the TV I used as a babysitter in order to sew. If I take a picture of something I cooked from scratch, I should take a picture of my nasty kitchen floor that needs to be swept six times per day but is swept only once, and currently hasn't been mopped in a week and a half.
I simply can't do it all. And maybe we're not really supposed to be able to do it all, but I seem to be able to do only a tiny little bit.
If I take the kids to a 90-minute nature center class, then I have to order pizza for dinner because doing both exertions in one day is too hard for me.
If I clean the bathrooms, the carpets are left dirty.
If I vacuum the carpets, the toys aren't picked up from the den or bonus room.
If I make something from scratch for dinner, such as a meatloaf, then everything else in the meal has to come frozen or canned because I can't manage occupying children, setting the table, and cooking a whole meal from scratch.
If I do some gardening or yard maintenance, the cat box isn't scooped.
If I wash the one or two loads of daily laundry, then the camping supplies which need to be cleaned and sorted from the trip several weeks ago just sit there, yet another day.
If I try to force the kids to learn independence by playing alone in the adjacent room, then my chores are interrupted two dozen times by breaking up squabbles. If I sit on the couch and supervise them (stare at them) like a eight-dollar-an-hour daycare worker, then my chores go undone and the children go another day without learning independent play.
If I find the time to plan some educational activities for the kids this week, I don't have time to make a meal plan.
If I try to straighten the upstairs in the morning, in the time I straighten one bedroom, the children have destroyed the last room I just straightened (e.g., throwing all toys on the floor, tearing apart the bed I just made to make a fort, dumping over the laundry hamper to hide in it, eating a tube of children's toothpaste).
I just don't get it. I don't understand how mothers do more than this. And this is my level of (in)competence with only two children, which is a small family. How on earth did mothers manage without all the modern conveniences, even what was available only thirty or forty years ago (quite modern times)? When most of everything had to be made by scratch and cleaned by hand? How do mothers manage today with way more kids and way less money (for conveniences) than I have now? How do I create more time out of 24 hours? Or how do I give my body more energy when I already feel like I rarely sit down for about fourteen hours straight?
When I feel this way and the house is a sty, my kitchen counter "office" is covered in a pile of papers (each one a taunting "to do" task), the cat just tracked poop all over the utility closet floor, the kids are squabbling, Mary is screaming miserably for the third day and night in a row for inexplicable reasons, I just want to complain (hence the blog) and eat a big bag of candy (I wish I had some).
If you find a way to squeeze more time out of 24 hours, you'll have to share the secret!! Somehow, I bet all mamas will relate to this post. I know I do...and I only have ONE child! I used to be such a neat person--I cleaned my house from top to bottom once a week, and I loved sitting down and enjoying a tidy, clean house when it was finished. And then I had a child. And tried to balance the job of a WAHM. And realized that if my floors get mopped once a month, it's an achievement. If I make dinner twice a week, it's an achievement. If the giant clean laundry pile on the bedroom floor gets put away in less than a week, it's an achievement. I'm lucky enough to have a husband who is very hands-on and helps out a lot with household chores and cooking, and we STILL can't get it all done. I seriously wonder what our life will be like if we have a second child. Will the floors EVER get mopped?? Will the vacuum ever emerge from the closet to clean the carpets??
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, mama!!
Sounds like you're having a hard time and you're starting to think about not being able to handle a third child! I think that in the past: houses were much smaller, meaning less cleaning (imagine 1 bathroom!); cats were primarily outside animals, as were dogs--no leash laws and litter boxes. I'll bet fewer sibling squabbles were interfered with and they had to work them out themselves. You know, come to me if you're bleeding!
ReplyDeleteOur standards these days are ridiculously high. Shall i tell you how often my floors get mopped? Swept? You sound like you're doing a great job to me! :-)
It's okay, Katherine! We all feel like this sometimes. Have you ever read that saying about doing everything "good enough"? I think you are too hard on yourself and when you make a meal plan you want to make it perfectly, ie; save money, complement the flavors, experiment with one new dish, etc.I think you do a great job and need to allow yourself to do each task "good enough". (Yes, I do know the grammer is incorrect, that is how the saying goes in the article the author wrote!) Cheer up, you're a fabulous wife and mother!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think all of us feel this way from time to time (and I think there must be something in the air, because I'm feeling generally uneasy myself today). You should see my "To Do" list! I keep it posted on my kitchen cabinet, and there are ALWAYS items that are left unchecked and get carried to the next week, every week. I haven't mopped in about 4 weeks...I still haven't completely unpacked from our Disneyland trip 3 weeks ago...and at this very moment, I'm upstairs at my computer writing this while Emma is on the couch vegging in front of Sesame Street and Jamie is napping in his crib (because frankly, I just HAD to get away from the kids for a few minutes).
ReplyDeleteIt is my belief that the woman who is able to get it ALL accomplished perfectly and with grace is a mythical being. There will ALWAYS be laundry. The kids will ALWAYS make a mess/squabble. A full day will ALWAYS be a mere 24 hours. And why else is take-out available, if not to help a harried Mama from time to time?
Katherine - give yourself some slack! You're barely out of the first trimester. You have no older kids to help with the household chores. It's all you or it doesn't happen.
ReplyDeleteI don't claim to be near perfect - I'm hunting new crockpot meals and my husband is a paragon of patience... but we all find a happy medium between from-scratch meals and a spotless floor while aiming to keep everyone happy.
Hope your day is a good one.
My thoughts exactly, Sara. In the old days, meals were probably an ongoing project throughout the day and you only had a few sets of clothing to wash at most. Houses were small and floors weren't washed every day. And you didn't have multiples of things. And the list goes on.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Katherine. I think you are doing a marvelous job of making it all come together in the best possible way.
Katherine - another thought. as I've had more children, sometimes the convenience of a take-out-dinner or a really good prepared meal (we've found some great stuff at Costco) is a God-send so that I *can* do other things with the kids besides "occupy them" while I make something from scratch that may or may not turn out as tasty as the pizza or prepared food.
ReplyDeleteMost of our stuff still is made by me, but I see the value in these things that I used to abhor as a "waste of money" and something not made by a loving wife. I still prepare it or get it ;-) and on the upside, I have more time on occasion to do OTHER THINGS. That's not a bad thing!
Yeah, I think this everyday about myself.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Katherine, and I've long admired how much you aspire to do at home and then actually get done! My home life journey sounds a lot like Cathleen's - our expectations are a bit more relaxed now, and that's okay.
ReplyDeleteAs difficult as all this definitely is, you are so blessed!
I've been feeling this way a lot lately as well. It can be a little daunting for a perfectionist to know that not everything will be perfect. Ever again. :) Something I am constantly being reminded of by people with older children is that this is the hardest time for a young family. My oldest will be 3.5 when #3 arrives. My husband will have to work. There will be no older children to help out around the house. Those facts scare me, as I'm sure they do for you as well.
ReplyDeleteBut we'll get through this, with the Grace of God, and we'll be better and stronger mothers for it.
Katherine -- I could have written this very same post on my blog :-)
ReplyDelete{hugs}
I don't have any real advice, Katherine, but I couldn't read and not respond! First of all, I'm praying for you! Second, like others have said, there are always days like that. I have a pretty strict household/meal/kid routine, but there are certainly days I set it aside (by choice or otherwise)! Have you ever read A Mother's Rule of Life? I know many Catholic, homeschooling mamas swear by it. I have a copy, though I confess I haven't read it so I can't give you a detailed review.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself! Growing a baby takes everything you've got some (most) days!
I grew up in the old days in a 2 1/2 room apartment that could be cleaned in about 20 minutes and so small it could just about fit into your family room, so that when my mom was cooking she could keep an eye on us without even trying. When I was a bit older I observed my aunt raising three kids in a house about 1/4 the size of yours and it was basically a mess from 1955 to the early 70's. So much for the old days. You do a wonderful job and no, I am not biased. Your measure should be your kids, not the state of your floors, and by that measure you doing great, as I'm sure all these ladies would agree. Besides, current research indicates that kids benefit from more dirt and less antisepsis ;-)
ReplyDeleteOh Sweetie!
ReplyDeleteYour kids are still so young. You live far from family to help out. Remember: God, Spouse, Kids, House. In that order. The house should come last. Make it your least priority and you will find more peace.
Come and visit me! We have the room for your family. You will see that we get by with a kitchen floor that is mopped twice a year (I don't recommend eating what you just dropped), a bathroom that is clean but covered with kids laundry, chicken nuggets in the oven for a "nutritious" meal, and most rooms look like a hurricane made of books has just passed through. But the kids are fed, happy, and healthy, hubby is content, and the family alter has fresh flowers.
This too shall pass. Remember: God, Spouse, Kids, House.
Everybody: Thank you for all your support! Clearly I hit on something that other mothers experience. That makes me feel less alone. Many of you made excellent points.
ReplyDeleteOur house is about three times bigger than the 1,100(?)-square-foot home in which my mother-in-law and her 10 siblings were raised. There are benefits to a bigger house, but the benefits to a small house are things like very few rooms to clean, and great ease in keeping track of the children! And the kids couldn't possibly own so many toys in smaller spaces, so less for them to take care of (when they're too young to be capable of taking care of them anyway).
And we have no nearby family, nor do we live in little villages of yore in which people helped people.
I'll try to meditate on all the feedback you've given me. And now that the kids are finally in bed, I can go scrub the cat footprints of poop off the floor in the utility closet! ;P
1) Get rid of the pets.
ReplyDelete2) Your kids need to be about 2 years older and then you will never have to worry about occupying anyone ever again, because the 2 older kids will be fairly mature and the younger kids will want to be around their siblings, not you.
3) You are exhausted for explainable reasons.
First, I totally understand and share the feelings you express in this post.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I agree with Grampa Neil. My FIL once told me that everyone has a "report card" in life. And, that as the mother of young children - our children are our report card. So, looks to me like you've got an A+. Rest yourself mama.
I think your standards are too high! But then mine are probably too low! I still have days like this. There is no way to do it all. I briefly read the other replies and the old days were so different. Smaller houses, less stuff, less toys............ Sit down with hubby and find out what he wants and what you feel you can do and not go to bed feeling defeated. Hopefully there is a compromise in there :).
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I totally understand how you are feeling and I'm not even pregnant yet. I think it was the poster "granpa Neil" who said that your measure is your children. Your children seem wonderful and I have to be honest to be slightly envious of your son and his prayerfulness, as well as his general Catholic manners. Of course I know how hard it is to believe the whole 'your children are your measure', I struggle daily, hourly with it. But I do try to remember it. Read the quote at the end of your blog, it says it well.
I feel your pain. :) Trust that this season (you're in) will change and this to shall pass.
ReplyDeleteThere are many elders who would love to be back in our places vs an empty nest.
Your intentions will be added to our prayers.
Pax Christi - Lena
Elaine: We're just waiting for Missy to die. She's 15 years old and delicate.
ReplyDeleteI too feel your pain Katherine! After child number 3 I've learned a few things: 1) Good enough has to be good enough sometimes; 2)this is not the season in my life to be baking from scratch, making bread, learning new skills (like sewing etc); 3) cooking has to be simple- no complicated meals, just easy, nutritious meals; 4) I've also been setting up more "rules" with the kids...like specific snack times, quick pick up the house before lunch and around 4pm, specific naptimes, a consistent routine; 5) stay home more and be back in time for meals and naps- makes my day run smoother- Those are just a few things I have learned that work for me. I've also found I feel so much better if I get some sort of housework done first thing in the morning (start laundry or dishwasher or something!). And know that no woman is perfect...no mother is perfect...we all let things slide...and NEED to let certain things go- we can't do it all!
ReplyDeleteGood luck and know that you're not alone!
Katherine, what a true post!! At some level there is always a tradeoff. Always!
ReplyDeleteBut, take heart, it is NOT always going to be this way. Not at this level of demand and not so intensely. Your post was true of my life when my oldest was 3 as well. (Remember my old blog header that concluded: "... but you can't do everything all the time." This is what it was about!)
Now, although not every time :), there are occasions where I can sew AND cook dinner AND have the house neat when Dave gets home! !! !! !!!! I know, I'm amazed too, 'cause I never thought it would happen. It seems the stars would need to align in a once-every-thousand-years kind of way for that to happen, right? :) (And notice I didn't add "and do laundry." Yeah.)
Just enjoy the kiddos and don't try to do it all. We're raising eternal souls here. :) The rest can wait...
Oh and I have a theory about why parenting is actually more demanding now than it used to be, but I'll save it for an email sometime.
P.S. What is this "mopping" of which you speak?
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with those who said your measure of success is your kids. I remember when Emma was just, MAYBE, 6 months old and going through some brutal teething. I was extremely frustrated because I felt eternally attached to her and was never able to actually DO anything else. Jason came home one day and he could tell I was very upset, and when I told him that I was having a tough time dealing with "not accomplishing anything," he simply asked, "did you spend time with Emma?" When I said, "well, yes, but the house is a mess, dinner's not ready..." he stopped me and gently explained, "I don't care about all that other stuff. As long as you've spent time with our daughter, the other stuff is inconsequential. Just order a pizza...it won't kill us. And we'll kick the mess aside."
ReplyDeleteSo while I still struggle with "not accomplishing anything" from day to day, I always think back to that conversation and give myself permission to let things go when appropriate.
And my goodness...probably the first 6 months of my pregnancy with Jamie was spent on the couch watching TV, eating take out, and living among mass clutter...and I only had ONE child and 1300 sq ft to care for!
Ohh Katherine, pregnancy can do crazy things to the mind...especially when combined with sleeplessness. I am frustrated daily by the fact that our jobs are just a cycle of re-dos day in and day out. Today I swept the floor, ran upstairs to put Anna down for a nap and in that time Ben climbed onto the counter and dumped an entire box of baking soda on the floor.
ReplyDeleteI would talk to your husband and ask him what is most important to him that you are getting done daily. I did this recently with Claudio and he basically said as long as dinner is on the table and the kids are taken care of he really cares about little else. Of course I can generally manage more than that in a day, but there is far less pressure.
And I would totally weed out toys if you can. Not necessarily throw stuff away, but only allow access to a small amount of toys that are easy to clean up and then rotate stuff in and out.
Those are my few suggestions since I struggle at keeping my 1100sq ft. house clean LOL...I let my floors go unmopped and my carpets unvacuumed for far too long. And the same basket of folded laundry has been on the landing since Tuesday....not put away. I guess we all need to care less ;)
What wonderful responses! I am so glad that other hubby's say that about not caring. Chip just cares that the kids are happy and taken care of.
ReplyDelete@ Sarah Faith - I personally would LOVE to hear your thoughts on why parenting is harder now. I have some theories myself, and wondering if maybe someone else shares them!
Hugs Katherine! Would it be awful to say I was actually a little relieved at reading this post? I often feel the same way... In the months before Simon was born (maybe even before I was pregnant, I don't remember) I had crafted a chore schedule for myself that consisted of only ONE primary chore a day. Well, after Simon was born, it went to pot and 21 months later I still haven't gotten back to it!! Some vestiges of the routine remain, but several things like mopping the floor weekly and thoroughly cleaning the countertops and properly going through the mail and piles of paper happen very irradically (if ever, ahem). I always feel like I should be doing better and I ought to be doing better and why haven't I figured out how to do all this yet??? I was always successful at keeping myself organized and on task when I worked in an office! Why don't those skills tranfer properly to domestic life?
ReplyDeleteGod willing, the dust will settle a little bit as our kids get older and can truly help out with some household tasks! (I hope I hope I hope!)
Truly, you are a beautiful witness to Catholic womanhood and Catholic motherhood, more than you know I'm sure. Thank you for sharing yourself and your struggles and successes with all of us!