We are trying hard to raise our children to be ladies and gentlemen.
When John was little, I didn't understand just how early to start encouraging and expecting polite language, so we had to work on that purposefully when he was two. With Mary, I had figured out to start as soon as her language would allow. Now she is 20 months and consistently says and signs "please" (even if it is "Please! I want it!" followed by a foot stamp), uses my name/title when talking to me ("Here you go, Mama"), and says "thank you" (initially it was "thank," which was pretty cute, but is now "thank you, Mama"). Mary says and signs "sorry" when required (and she mispronounces it sar-sar, perpetuated because I think it is cute). The only thing she doesn't say yet is "you're welcome," which I consider a pretty abstract concept within manners.
John says all of the above, of course, and we've long moved past just saying "please." We ask him to say an entire polite sentence, such as, "Mama, would you please get me some water?" instead of a curt "water, please." And I have him call strangers "ma'am" and "sir" and I've noticed he's increasingly using those titles without being reminded, which is neat.
It is both terrible and inspiring to see how perfectly John imitates me in my strengths and weaknesses (failings, sins), and then how instantly Mary imitates her big brother: If John quietly folds his hands to pray before eating, Mary does the same, if John bounces around and makes funny faces instead, Mary does that! Raising children is definitely inspiring to a mother to be as saintly as possible (and I don't say that tongue in cheek, but in a true Christian sense). I hear John use the same short-tempered tone of voice with his sister that I use with him, but I also hear him imitate when I get things right. Lately he has begun using calm if-then statements with his sister, such as, "Mary, if you bang that toy on the table, then I'm going to take it away." Now, we still have to work on the fact that it is not his job to parent, but kudos for a calm if-then statement!
John doesn't always love sharing toys, but I do see him initiate sharing (often with food and water) every day. He'll be eating his beloved bread and cream cheese and will say, "Here, Mary, I'm going to share with you." (And Mary replies, "Thank you!") I've been forging my way into negotiating sibling upsets, so I'm still learning a lot. I now tell John that if he wants to play something alone and have it remain undisturbed (e.g., building with Duplo blocks), then he has to choose: either play with it while Mary is napping, or play by himself up in his room. But if he is going to play with it in a public room, then he has to share, even knowing that the baby is going to knock down his creation. (And I'm trying to teach her not to, but I do think compliance with that is too much to expect at 20 months.) John wishes he had full freedom, but he really is starting to "get it" and will choose to go build things in his room, which is great.
Also, I'm trying to involve the children in helping me as often as possible, with the long-term goal that they understand that running a home is a family affair. That is one reason why I do virtually all my housework during the children's waking hours, because I don't want to spend my days sitting and staring at/playing with them (teaching them that they are the center of the adult universe), and then clean up while they are asleep (so they think Magic Cleaning Fairies do all the work). No chores are officially required yet, but they will be soon and right now I make requests and usually have willing compliance. Each morning, John unloads the entire dishwasher (into my hands, so I put the dishes away). I am working on him doing his own personal care: he's very potty-independent, I have to direct him to put his dirty clothing in the hamper and shoes in the shoe bin, he's learning to brush his teeth, he clears his plate from the table (increasingly without being reminded), and so forth. Just yesterday I introduced him starting to help putting away his laundry. I told him I'll fold it and put it in piles by drawer in his room, so then all he has to do is put "bottoms" in the bottom drawer, "tops" in the top drawer, and socks and undies in that drawer; I'm hoping this is a good first step in laundry management. Speaking of laundry, he is also excellent and folding my innumerable kitchen wash cloths. With Mary, I understood to start even earlier encouraging the natural baby desire to "help," even if it slowed me down. Even Mary participates in unloading the dishwasher and sweeping the kitchen floor. She's so excited about picking up toys that I have to stop her from doing the whole job while John (who still hates that chore) dawdles and pretends to spend the whole time picking up one toy. It's exhausting to manage, but I'm really, really trying to instill in the children that we clean up toy areas at the end of the day or when we leave them (mainly the sun room and the den; the bonus room and John's bedroom we clean up a couple of times per week). Just today John begged to learn how to scoop the cat's litter box . . . so I taught him and he did it! Some special treat!
I've valued so much learning from more experienced mothers how they teach manners to children and I still have so much to learn from them. I know that even now I don't have high enough expectations of what my children are able to achieve.
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