We're still struggling to teach John to pick up his toys. As a first-time mother, I definitely don't have a solid sense yet of at what age to require what degree of picking up how many toys and in how many rooms (since there are toys in the bonus room, the den, and two children's bedrooms) and how often (sometimes, daily, before each meal).
One thing we have discovered is that John strongly resists force to make him clean up. We've "helped" him by dragging around his limp body, forcing his hands to pick up toys. We've put him in ten time-outs in a row. We've spanked him. We've taken away toys. He is so stubborn! Honestly, I wonder if this is a temperament thing because as a child (and still sometimes as an adult), I was known for "cutting off my nose to spite my face." At times I'd simply rather have died than do the thing my parent wanted me to do, even though I knew he or she was right. I often think John would rather suffer anything than be forced.
Very recently we've discovered a new motivation that is (so far) working wonders for John. He loves to surprise a parent! So at the end of the day, Chris will ask John if he wants to surprise Mama by cleaning up the toys in the den. John gets a twinkle in his eye, jumps at the chance, and ushers me into the kitchen, where I am to wait for my "surprise." He'll come in several times to make sure I am still waiting and won't come in until the surprise is ready. Then he calls me in to a gleaming perfect room and I heap praise on him while he beams with pleasure. I've even spied on him while he is preparing the surprise of a clean room and I see that he outright runs around picking up--a great contrast to his paralysis at other times when we ask/command him to clean up.
Even with Chris out of town, I've discovered that John still absolutely refuses to pick up his toys . . . until I ask him if he'd like to surprise me. He's thrilled to do it!
This tactic has also worked when John is resistant to eating a food. It doesn't work "like magic" (wouldn't that be great?) but if there is any hope of him eating a food that is terrifying to him, it will be if the rest of the family leaves the room and one parent stays behind to cheerfully plot a surprise for the other parent. "Won't Daddy be surprised when you tell him that you ate a bite of mashed potatoes? I can hardly wait till you tell him!"
I don't really know what to make of surprise being such a motivation for John. Is it spiritually a good thing? Should he learn to obey regardless, even without this fun motivation? Or is it just a wonderful thing at this age (three) that anything makes John willingly do a task? I figure that pleasing a parent is a good motivation (more morally good than, say, bribing with a toy or food) and is a mirror image of the motivation of pleasing God. I'm just happy that we've found some motivation that works for the timebeing!
It's funny, I read that melancholic children can be easy to parent because you only have to be consistent half the time and they'll think you're super strict. Sanguines, otoh, require almost perfect consistentcy! My melancholic, now 18, thinks we're very strict while I think we're pretty relaxed. Lol.
ReplyDeleteI don't see why surprise is a bad motivator. I wonder if it's a precursor to 'service'. Is that his love language? He likes to give gifts? Sounds like the toddler/preschooler version to me.
it's been a while since I had 2 kids so it's possible I'm forgetting how it works... but there's no way I could spend time convincing my kids to surprise me by cleaning ;-)
ReplyDeleteOur rule at this time is that one thing comes out, gets played with and before another comes out, it all gets put away. Very cut and dry, and Rosalie (turned 3 on the 15th) understands/follows this with no objections.
The 'natural consequences' are either it gets put away, or I *take it away* (calmly) and it's out of commission. Nobody wants that. I know you weren't asking for advice, but I'm throwing this out there just in case you hit a roadblock a few months/weeks from now. :)
I think it is a testament to a sweet, loving heart that he is so motivated to surprise you- enough to do something he would normally hate to do.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, it employs the technique of motivating the child by the effect his actions will have on others - which to be quite frank, is a secondary degree of motivation! Intrinsically it is more noble than doing something out of selfish reasons (what it will do for me/ how I will be punished if I don't do it).
With some gentle guidance it might even help transition into doing things for love of God (as parents are a representation of God to their children) rather than because I'll get a spanking or time out. This is a higher good! And should be encouraged, IMO!
Christine: It is my dream that we would have a one-item-at-a-time playing rule. I struggle trying to figure out how that is implemented, especially once there is more than one child in a family. Can you help spell it out for me? For example, right now both my kids dart around any given room, pulling things out, playing with them all together: dinosaurs with dolls with balls with puzzles. My children don't take out one item and use it purposefully and singly, then move on to another item. So, how do I mark when to put away an item? Also, how does one implement that with younger ones? I've been trying it with Mary and books to no avail. She goes to the bookshelf and rapidly pulls down 50books, throwing them to the ground, in search of whatever suits her fancy. I've sat there and forced her hand to put each book back before she gets another one, but it seems meaningless. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? But maybe the answer is that she's still too young to learn the one-at-a-time rule. And if that is the case, how does one handle it with two kids? I don't sit over them while they play because I'm busy doing other things. So how do I know which things she pulled out and which he did? Does the older kid have to put them all away because the younger one is too young? I just don't get it, but I *dream* of such a rule. In fact, it is "the Montessori way" that one would use only one item at a time. But I've often wondered when Montessori envisioned implementing that rule, as her classrooms did not begin until age three and were never mixed with babies and toddlers! Any pragmatic details you can share would be great, Christine.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, the one at a time rule only works for young kids (if it's not already an established rule in the home with older siblings to model) in one of the following ways:
ReplyDelete1. you have to supervise them the entire time (which to me has always been a waste of their play time - that is a time I can do something else while they're safely occupied)
2. you have to limit access to the toys so they need to come ask you for the next thing.
I cannot think of any other way with a 3 and under crowd.
Personally we have simplified our lives and now have only ONE toy for all of them, period. lol - it's a set of duplos. Ok, the girls have dolls and books too. But mostly I get rid of them when I find them underfoot. Got rid of their dressup too. The rule is, if you can't take care of your things b/c there are too many things, I will help you by making there fewer things to look after and we can try to build from there. This works for us.
Though with a melancholic you should be able to figure out a way to inspire the neat and orderly in him! maybe lamenting about how messy it looks? lol my sanguine kids could care less about a mess (though my sanguine husband oddly can't stand a mess).
Your problem is a little more unique though b/c most kids would care more than the parent if they didn't have toys, but in this case it's you who will probably suffer if John doesn't have alternative entertainment as you are trying to break his 24/7 reliance on you! So taking away his toys would not be a punishment for him as much as you.
I like the current streak you're on. And, later you'll find something else to inspire him should this one fizzle. :) Maybe next you could try what works with Soren, "Are you strong enough to..." lol
I use a timer to get my slow-mover going at times. He'd rather sit and read a book first. It helps him learn what ten minutes really feels like too. I mostly use it at the end of the day to help drive home the point that we only have a certain amount of time before bed to get a bath, put on jammies, brush teeth, and read books. If the first three aren't done, number four can't always happen. Since DS1 is responsible for putting on his pajamas and brushing his teeth on his own, it helps him focus and get it done. It works pretty well, and I only use it when we're really dragging behind.
ReplyDeleteI also use the tactic that if I ask him to do something, but I have to do it myself, and take time away from MY tasks, then I won't have time to do things with him that he likes: read books.
With regards to John's toys, have you tried asking him only to do one item at a time? It can be very overwhelming to be faced with a room full of toys and asked to pick up. We work in zones and it's more manageable. I sometimes use the one toy at a time idea, but in our house, that dampers creativity. There's a very good reason there are wooden animals, blocks, and trains out. All are being used in an elaborate game, and I don't like to interrupt that. It means, however, that clean- up can look daunting to 21 months and 3 3/4.
Had another thought regarding motivation, but must run! Good luck!
Courtney: What a neat idea with the timer! Tonight I told John he was going to have a race with the timer (with which he has almost no exposure). I gave him five minutes to get into his pajamas and brush his teeth. Normally he's a total goofball about getting pajamas on and fights the whole routine for ages. I told him if he could finish before the timer went off, I'd have time to read him books. He raced, raced, raced, laughing! He almost finished in time and only needed his pajama pants put on after the timer went on, so I cut him slack since it was his first time. Then he felt like it was SUCH a reward to read books . . . even though books have been the norm! It was really funny and it did work. I hope it wasn't just the novelty of it all because it'd be great if that will speed up our night routine.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kuskomama. No way I have the time to come up with all these brilliant and creative ideas to get a child to do his family duty of cleaning up. And yeah, I like the "if you don't clean it up, then you obviously have too many toys, so I am going to put this away" approach. I feel tired just reading your post, actually, because I am the opposite of a creative mama in these matters, as you very well know ;)But I know you have tried other approaches and need to find one that works for you. So if it works, and achieves the desired results, then its a good one, even if for the interim to get him more in the habit of cleaning. At some point, you will tire and say "just do it because it needs to be done." And maybe by then he will have matured enough to do it ;)
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