We checked out of the hotel Sunday morning and headed to Mass.
We were able to attend the 9:00 a.m. Latin Mass at a historic parish in D.C.: St. Mary Mother of God. It is an exquisitely beautiful church that has been spared the "wreckavation" because of its historic status.It occurred to me that I often hear other mothers say things, like "I attended Mass," and I have a vision of what that must mean. In that case, I'm envisioning the mother sitting quietly, focusing on the Mass, feeling so prayerful, her bounty of little children seated quietly and still in the pew--and then I feel like an incompetent mom in comparison. So I thought I'd take a moment and clarify what I mean by "I attended Mass" for any other mothers reading this who are perhaps in even earlier childbearing years than am I. Sunday's Mass experience was quite typical for me for the last six to eight months. Chris sat with John in the pews and, after much excellent training by Chris for the last year, John now does fantastically in Mass. I stood in the vestibule in back wearing Mary in my Ergo. She does not do well in Mass, nor can I sit down or she will scream bloody murder. She was tired and fussy, but not falling asleep, so I walked on the hard marble and rocked her all of Mass. There was no sound system in this old building, so I heard nothing of the beautiful Latin or what was surely a good homily. I could see almost nothing through the windows either. I heard the bells at the beginning, so I thought Mass was starting, and I waited and waited and waited to see the priest and altar boys. After about five minutes I thought it was really strange that Mass hadn't started yet. Only then did I realize that the priest was up there saying Mass but my view was obliterated by the many beautiful marble pillars and the small window through which I was looking. Anyway, Mary began screaming so loudly that I didn't even feel I could keep her in the vestibule with the other ten or so mothers with babies. I stepped out into the alley where it was cold and drizzling. Mary actually quite calmed down in the drizzle, so I decided to stay out there for a while. We came back inside and, in the last ten minutes of Mass, Mary fell asleep and I was finally able to sit down. I was not able to receive Communion. Then I got to step inside the church proper for the photo taken above, then we left. Of course, I felt nothing prayerful or focused whatsoever, and my only grace is that I've stopped feeling resentful about it, almost completely. That is what "attending Mass" means for this mom, has for many months, and will for many more months until I am (likely, God willing) pregnant again, too weak to handle Mary on my own, then Chris and I will switch, him taking over Mary for the next year while I sit with John until the newborn arrives and the cycle begins anew. Just thought I'd share that for other moms going through it!
After Mass we met one of Chris' college friends, her husband, and their toddler for a delicious brunch. We had hoped to visit Mount Vernon before driving home but we realized how foolish it would be, with the children ready to crash for a long nap. So we didn't get to see Mount Vernon at all and instead started the drive home. For a while I continued to worry that pod people had replaced my children, as they were so self-contented, but Mary screamed for the final two hours of the trip, so then I felt comforted that she was indeed my little daughter.
On our way home we stopped at a Mexican restaurant for dinner which was decorated with those Mexican/Aztec-style paintings all over the walls. John studied one and said, "That's like when the Israelites" (pronounced perfectly) "saw the horses coming" (referring to Pharaoh and the Egyptians) "and they crossed the water" (referring to the parting of the Red Sea). I love his reference points!
Home, sweet home!
Why didn't you receive Communion? And do you ever consider letting Mary have a snack or something during Mass to keep her happy? I have never had a mass like that with one or two kids at any age so far. I pack a little bag with a sippy cup, either some raisins or cereal, a see and pray missal, and a little photo album of holy cards and it has been a rare occassion that I have even had to get up let alone leave the Church with either child. The baby (whether it was Ben a year ago, or Anna now) gets a bottle as soon as they fuss and that is about it. Ben now as a toddler will sit quietly looking at his missal or prayer cards, will sit quietly eating his snack, and by the end of mass usually he starts climbing around, but still generally nothing horrendous. Just a few ideas. Either way I would try to make sure you get Communion even if it means switchingoff with Chris. So he can go get Communion, grab Mary, and then you can go.
ReplyDeleteJamie: I know parents make different tactical choices about how to handle kids in church, so I'll just share what we've been doing so far. We may *definitely* make changes over time and we don't pretend to be experts. First, my babies can nurse in Mass anytime they want, so that's the snack. By about two, I'd expect my child to be able to last throughout Mass without any nursing. We don't offer snacks because we don't think it's appropriate for any age in Mass and I don't want it to be one more thing to have to take away from them later. As it is, Mary now throws a fit and signs FOOD when she sees other little kids eating. Also, we don't let our kids walk around because then they think Mass is for playing and it's one more thing we've got to break them of later. So they can be quiet in a pew or be quiet in a parent's arms (or Mary can scream in my arms out in the vestibule :). We have a Mass bag full of holy cards, Catholic books, and a rosary. It really helped John for at least six months, but Mary isn't really at the age when she wants to play with it yet; and now John is past using it (for the time being anyway)--he just sits and watches and listens to Daddy tell him what is going on. I often do receive Communion even during a rough Mass, but if I feel like I personally played absolutely no part in the Mass I'll often skip receiving. I *know* that I could receive. I know that I fulfilled my obligation by being there to the best of my ability. It just feels really strange to have not been able to see or hear anything going on, to have been standing out in the alley, and then go receive Communion. (Similarly, when I'm pregnant and spend sometimes every minute of Mass sitting alone outside in the parking lot trying not to vomit, I don't receive.) Of course, my aunt would chide me and say that I need to receive in order for Jesus to help strengthen me for the week ahead!
ReplyDeleteKatherine: I just always admire you, how you can take care of two little children, take on trips AND write about all of it in a blog! I have been thinking about creating a blog for quite sometime now but just cant get to it. Folding laundry always gets in the way :(. Thank you for sharing your activities and adventures.
ReplyDeleteMarina
I can relate to your experiance at Mass with Children. My Svetlana reaches the peak of Squirminess during Mass. She pulls everyone's hair. Throws snacks and sippy cups on the floor, and does a whole bunch of other things to make me get up and walk with her :(
ReplyDeleteMarina
Katherine,
ReplyDeleteAbout the food. The priest at the latin mass we go to specifically recommended in a homily (or might have been in the bulletin) to let the kids have snacks. That is the only reason we started doing it. In addition it seems the latin masses around here all take place during Ben's lunch time and there is only so much you can expect from a hungry 2 yr old. And just to clarify we never let Ben walk around. He just gets squirmy towards the end. Wants to sit with me, wants to sit himself, wants to stand, wants to sit with daddy etc etc.
And I totally agree with your aunt. Receiving communion in times of difficulty is more important in my mind that whether I feel I participated enough...and the Church agrees.
Looking at the picture of your modest number of suitcases, I am curious what amount of toys you brought for the children to play with in the hotel room?.....which ones? I need a lot of help for packing lightly.
ReplyDeleteAs for Mass....I definitely don't have an easy time of it. Mine are now at an age where they must be separated; yet they ALL want to sit next to Mommy! I must look like a monkey with them all hanging on me. They are worse behaved if we are in the cry room than the pew, and we have discovered that we must sit without the grandparents or they think they can go from one to the other of us all thru Mass. It does get old fast! And sippy cups have run their course for me...they are now a cause of too much temptation for the little ones. I keep thinking that it will get better....someday. (sigh)
"my only grace is that I've stopped feeling resentful about it, almost completely."
ReplyDeleteThis is good! Whenever I start to feel annoyed about not being able to "enjoy" church like the other parents who dump their kids off in the nursery I remember how thankful I am to HAVE children and that they won't always be young (even if God continues to bless us with a baby every couple of years it can't go on forever!).
Sounds very much like my Mass' as well. There will be a day, when all the children are mostly grown that we as parents will be able to more fully participate in the Mass. Until then, we offer up what we can offer in the Mass for our Souls and the souls of others.
ReplyDeleteMarina: Well, girl, you work full-time outside the home and I don't! Of course I have time to do things like keep up a blog. :)
ReplyDeleteJamie: How interesting that your priest gave that opinion! Well, I certainly understand about the lunchtime aspect. That would be *so* hard. Our most common Masses here are 8:00 or 9:00 a.m.
ReplyDeleteDid the priest offer any opinion about how and when to wean off snacks? For example, there is a sweet family at church, but I watch the mom plying her kids even 4 and 6 years old with snacks the entire Mass, as if kids that age can't go one hour without eating.
Ashley: We packed two large suitcases. As far as toys go, I keep a milk crate in my van full of books and toys for driving around time. I simply refreshed/changed up those toys and brought it with us for the drive and the hotel room. But, ultimately, the kids had too much fun getting into everything in the hotel room to play much with their toys and books. I used to pack so many toys and books when I'd visit California but take less with each trip because the kids are too enamoured with their new environment anyway.
ReplyDeleteKatherine I don't recall when or even if the priest recommended when to wean them off. But my personal feeling is that once they are formally being catechized (start schooling and preparing for Holy Communion) that that is when it should stop. I really don't see it being an issue with Ben though. He never asks for the snack I just give it to him when I can tell he has reached the limits of good behavior and hunger. Right now he wouldn't understand me telling him we will eat after Mass. Once he does I do not foresee an issue really. We have two Latin Masses close enough by one is at 11 and the other at noon. But to get to the 11 we need to leave at 10...so really lunch is an issue...around mid mass. And it is a high mass. The other I try to get him to nap beforehand...so again hard to get lunch before. Anyway this is what we do and what works for our family.
ReplyDeleteMy experience at Mass is a lot like yours! I spend the majority of my time in Mass wearing Simon, doing babywearing aerobics to try and keep him content. I'm either in the training room or the foyer. At this age, I do let him toddle around sometimes, especially when I am so physically exhausted from wearing him. If he falls asleep, I consider it a blessing!
ReplyDeleteMichael and I reached the same conclusions as you about snacks. We found it to be a good distraction between the ages of one and two, but then we decided Joseph shouldn't have them anymore as they were causing more trouble then they were helping and we had to take them away. We would also let him roam more freely in the training room until about the age of two, and then I decided that if I didn't stop that behavior it would be become a bad habit since he had started looking at the training room and *asking* to go in there (so he could play) instead of it being a place to retreat to when his behavior and volume were getting to be too much for the main church.
So we learned through trial and error and don't plan on letting Simon have snacks, and I'll play it by ear in terms of how much Simon is allowed to walk around, but I'm aware that how quickly it can become the child's expectation and then they have to be retrained.
And even though it has been a long time since Joseph ever had snacks at church and he is only allowed to look at quiet books, if he sees other kids with snacks or toys or coloring books then he wants those too and we're in the position to try and make a three year old understand why he can't have what other kids have.
Katherine, my feelings about food are just like yours - and then some ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd b/c i don't want to have to "take things away from them" i don't allow toys of any sort. plus when you have lots of littles... it becomes a feud btwn them. not something i want to deal with at Mass, for sure!