I'd be interested to hear about the experiences of other mothers helping their preschoolers take on chores. With my melancholic temperament (read: I am a perfectionist), it would be very easy for me to become a slave to my children, doing all the chores for them because I can do them better, faster, and just how I want. I am trying hard to avoid falling into that trap!Searching on the Internet results in various interesting lists of what might be age-appropriate chores for children. At newly three, I'm interested in John helping by:
** turning on the Christmas tree lights each morning
** holding the bowl up while I pour the cat's food
** putting away the clean utensils
** setting the table (utensils, napkins)
** taking his dirty plate from the table to the counter
** wiping the table of crumbs after dinner
** picking up toys
** putting his own dirty clothing into the hamper
** cleaning up his own purposefully/carelessly made messes (e.g., if he throws food on the floor, I'm not going to be the one cleaning it up)
** maybe starting to help with some real food preparation? chopping foods? (he already often helps me bake)
Right now, John helps with some things, but my real conundrum is how to pique his interest and get him to adopt chores as his own responsibility without setting up new battlegrounds. John has been helping me with tasks for the last year or so, but he helps only when he is interested, often for as long as the task is novel, but no longer. I've been avoiding setting up more battlegrounds: meaning, I invite him to help, if he does, that's great, if not, no big deal. But I'd like to move beyond that practice so that he really does need to start helping consistently.
Sometimes I can cleverly obtain his cooperation. For example, recently he began repeatedly taking our paper napkins and spreading them on the stairway. (Yeah, so sanitary.) Besides putting a stop to that behavior, I decided to channel the behavior by suggesting that John be "in charge" of setting napkins on the table at mealtimes. He is so excited to be "in charge" and to count the numbers ("three napkins, one for Daddy, one for Mama, one for John")! But when that loses its novelty, will he drop it like everything else?
Ideas, parents? When is it appropriate to use rewards (stickers, allowance, extra privileges)? What is the risk of teaching the child that he must do chores only for bribery? When is it appropriate to use punishment to force doing chores at this young age? With a boy who has an extremely strong will, I don't want to create new areas for conflict right now!
Henry is about to turn four and so far we have worked on personal habits over community habits. He must brush his teeth twice a day, put his shoes on the rack, hang up his coat, fill his bed water, make his bed, pick up his clothes, etc.
ReplyDeleteOther than that he has to help with minor things when asked like setting the table and he always has to help clear the table (all the kids do).
The real cure for your perfectionist tendencies would be to have more children. Then you wouldn't have the time to worry how it gets done, as long as it gets done. At least, that's what worked for me!
I think back to my oldest, strong-willed child when I had a one year-old and was pg with #3. Age 3 was so much worse than age 2! I think you already mentioned that you believe he's more culpable than he used to be, so you know what I mean. Plus, she really was more difficult.
ReplyDeleteRewards are fine when it's a special chore that you really want him to help with, but I think you're setting yourself up for more work if you institute charts and stickers already. I'd focus on child-training that gets him to do things we all have to do, like put our laundry and dirty dishes away, brush teeth, etc. Jobs that are just "chores" can be more like what Modest Mama said---doing things because you asked. That way, you're not getting into battles every day over a long list of things.
I like her terms Personal Habits vs. Community Habits.
I think the most important thing I learned (besides giving up my perfectionist tendencies) was not to tell a child to do something unless I was a)willing and b)able (as in Not Nursing) to fight the ensuing battle.
Not sure how to create that internal motivation or avoid the battleground. Both my boys love to help and if they aren't interested no big deal. Other than personal care chores, I usually don't push it at this age. My boys aren't as strong-willed as John and if I *need* them to do something, a second request brings them around. We also talk a LOT about cooperation and needing the help of each family member to keep things moving around here. Lots of encouragement and genuine thank yous also seems to help, but I know lots of people are anti-praise. I'll be reading along for more ideas, though, as I know this could change with age!
ReplyDeleteI do like this for ideas for each age group: http://www.lotsofkids.com/LOK-Household/Articles/age-appropriate.php
Great points so far, ladies. I long ago figured out to try NEVER to request something of John unless I'm willing and able to follow through.
ReplyDeleteYes, John is very strong willed. (He is a melencholic, and melencholics have THE strongest will of all temperaments--I should know!). I am truly perplexed when I hear mothers say that it takes "a second request" to get a child to do something (like sweet Courtney said of her kids). I had a friend the other day express surprise that I had trouble keeping John at younger ages away from the Christmas tree ornaments: she explained that all she has to do with her 18-month-old is raise her eyebrow and make a "uh-uh!" sound, and the girl withdraws her arm and toddles away. !!!!!!!! If John sets his will about something, no number of time-outs or spanking will make him do it and, in fact, I think force against him makes him set his will harder. (So we need to form his character well so he will be an awesome Catholic who would die for his faith and family!)
So, with that as a background, I am currently trying to avoid additional battlegrounds, as we have enough. At the moment, he is actually being quite cooperative with chores, but I suspect that is a passing phase. I have been trying to focus on teaching him to take care of himself (actions have consequences), in that he makes a mess, he cleans it up; he wears clothing, he puts them in the hamper. He needs to get better about personal care.
How do I teach him to dress himself? I'm sure he has the fine motors skills to do a great deal of his own dressing but he has *no* interest. He does not want to get dressed at all, so he certainly doesn't want to dress himself. Dressing is still a battleground every morning, after every nap (as he likes to sleep without clothing on), and at bedtime. I really want him to do it himself (especially in contrast to running away, hiding, and kicking me), but he won't so much as tug on his pants. How to inspire him to try? I wonder if he is succumbing to melencholic perfectionism and, since he can't dress himself perfectly yet, he refuses to try and "fail."
I only have a second, Katherine, but regards dressing (and maybe other stuff), can you make it a game? My older son can be a slowpoke, lol. I mean, it's way more fun to examine the ice patterns on the window than put on socks! So, if it's one of those mornings we make it a game. I'll put the sock on his nose and say, "It goes here, right?" He'll of course say "No!" and we'll go on for a few times, then I'll ask him to show me how to put it on. Sometimes I'll lay everything out then walk away to do my chores. "I'm jumping in the shower! You get dressed while I do that." Then he can be as slow or as quick as he wants, but it needs to be done by the time I'm done. I'll call reminders from the bathroom too.
ReplyDeleteCould you couch getting dressed in terms of teaching Mary? Or start small. Ask him to do one sock. The next time add another, etc. A timer? I know some mamas make it a race against the timer. It's hard, I know, 'cause what works one day might not the next or the child just might not be in the mood. I haven't read it (yet) but a Catholic, homeschooling mom of five recommended the book Playful Parenting to me. Maybe?
Oh, and lest you think it's all smooth and easy days around here, DS1 has a habit of not always responding quickly when asked NOT to do something. He can be a little silly, especially around his dad (I think because he doesn't see him that much due to work) and the little guy is at that lovely stage when I say, "No" and remove him from somewhere, he thinks it's hysterical to go right back to it. Again. And again. Sigh.
P.S. Oh, and regarding those perplexing children that respond pretty well to requests and commands, Mary seems to be one of them! It's a delight! For example, after only several days with our Christmas tree, she is almost completely respecting to touch the ornaments with one gentle finger only. I had to use repetion for a few days, I'd say "one finger only," if she took an ornament off I would tell her to put it in my hand and she immediately would do so. And if she was "really" obstinant, I would (gasp!) sit her on her bottom. And she'd cry and cry! And then she'd not touch the tree again at that moment. Ha ha! She's my little textbook baby. But I know it's not all just "good", it's mixed. A child so easily obedient to her parent will also be easily obedient to peer pressure, fads, and feelings unless she has a proper foundation laid.
ReplyDelete"I invite him to help, if he does, that's great, if not, no big deal."
ReplyDeleteSounds about right to me, Katherine.
In my experience no amount of bribing, spanking, wrangling or cajoling will encourage them to be self-starting helpers before the age of five. I think you are doing exactly right. Just invite him to help out as a normal course of business as though it's perfectly ordinary and expected, let him do it himself if he wants to and don't fuss about how it looks, and don't give too much praise either because it's not a special thing he's doing - it's just participating in the home.
Instead of praising "Oh you're such a good boy!" I try to do things like say "Thank you very much, you saved me the trouble of cleaning that up myself." or "Now I can go ahead and make lunch while you set the table, and we will sit down to eat faster."
I.e. point to the result of the action rather than making it about whether you approve of him personally for doing it. This will help avoid the "performance only" mentality where kids only do things if their parents are watching - which is a common side effect of bribes and praise.
You might do some natural consequences type things though, like if you cordially ask for his help and he refuses, then he has to wait for what he wants because you can say, "I don't have time right now because I had to do your chore and that put me behind." etc
But honestly don't expect too much consistency or desire from a three year old. I have five different personalities with varying degrees of helpfulness. I believe personality is a bigger factor for how well they take to it at this early age than any "methods."
PS Oh and I think for John specifically one more idea to motivate him is to engage his desire to grow into a big man. He seems to take well to the Montessori style. Maybe just adding a "get dressed by yourself like Daddy" or whatever will help over time. Plus reinforcing that while it is a milestone of accomplishment, it's not a "command" to reject or a special deed to be lauded.
ReplyDeleteI've never used rewards with my kids to get them to do something. (never done a sticker chart, allowance, special toys, bribery, etc). They have to do it for the greater good of their family. They get a hearty thank you.
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