Scene: Mama was grocery shopping with both children, John in the cart, Mary on her back. John was angry because Mama wasn't letting him pick his nose with abandon. John hit his mama.
Mama (growling her words, out of a feeling of impotence and, as a new mother, not knowing how to handle this situation in the grocery store): "Do! Not! Hit! Your! Mother!"
We don't generally use the word "mother" around here. So John corrected me:
"Do not hit your mommy."
And mama felt anger, laughter, and humiliating impotence all at once!
(Humor aside, any moms who want to chime in with suggestions on how I handle John hitting me, and in public no less, feel free to share!)
I'm amazed that John is just now hitting you--Theo started hitting us around age 15 months! (Don't ask me where he learned that. We don't hit anyone or anything in our house--no spanking, no swatting the dog, etc.--so I'm at a loss as to where he picked up that lovely behavior.) For what it's worth, we've been using time-outs for hitting. One warning, and if he hits again, it's an instant time-out. It seems to have worked reasonably well, though you're a far more experienced mama than I am, so I suspect you probably know a lot more strategies than I do!
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm not sure what I'd do with hitting in public either! We haven't had to deal with that much. Usually any pain from the boys is accidental during roughhousing/not knowing their strength/boundaries. Hmmm...I'm usually in the natural/logical consequences camp for discipline, though I do occasionally use a time-in for physical incidents (DS1 had a few related to biting his brother a few weeks ago).
ReplyDeleteIn the grocery store, I'm just not sure. I've read that saving a time-out for when you're home doesn't always work since a young child can't always connect the two events with a gap in time. I have heard for parents leaving the store to handle an issue in the car then going back in (time-in/out, regaining control after a tantrum, etc.) so maybe that would be an option? You could probably let someone near the door know you're leaving your cart but coming right back.
Do you do any kind of snack while shopping or allowing John to pick out a treat? I don't usually, but that loss of privileges would be an immediate consequence. I'd be most likely to do a stern talking-to and move on. If it really escalated, I would probably leave and we'd go home and do something not fun. LOL.
If it was a sibling issue I'd separate them, but with violence toward mama I'm not sure. I'd also maybe withdraw communication for a minute: "You do not hit mommy. It hurts. I will not allow you treat me like that." That would probably work better for back talk, though. Unlike at home, you can't really walk away!
Sorry I can't be more help!
Cathleen: Oh no, this wasn't the first time! John began hitting me when he was 14-15 months old. It's not like it's a frequent habit, by any means. I handled it differently when he was so little. He was still almost always in arms then, so if he hit me, I set him on the ground and sternly told him 'no,' which caused him to cry and not hit again. But now he is more culpable, being almost three years old. If we were at home, I'd probably have spanked him--for want of knowing what else to do. I have done time outs in the grocery store before, but it's hard because I end up having to physically restrain John, both of us sitting on the floor of the aisle--and that's no fun.
ReplyDeleteWe're very fond of Biblical discipline around here: "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him." (Proverbs 22:15)
ReplyDeleteBut ALWAYS without anger and with love and prayer.
I head straight for the bathroom when we're out at a store, etc, or wait until we get home. I think kids over age 2-ish? are quite able to connect any discipline to the crime, even if there is a delay of an hour or two. We always explain exactly why they're being disciplined and secure an apology and hug afterwords.
Our 3-yr-old has started protesting "there's no bathroom at this store!" when she's been disobedient in public. Nice try, lol!
We tell Carli we don't use our hands to hit, God gave us hands to love. We can rub a person or clap or push a grocery cart.... I'll email you some more later... if you want me to...
ReplyDeleteThe correction from mother to mommy is pretty funny, but I asure you it is a passing phase. Meanwhile I would take away something he cherishes;explaining it is only until he learns to cherish the people he loves. I remember being told it is normal behavior but dealing with it calmly was most effective. If you show any anger you are teaching him that it works. These moments are valuable for future lessons. Good luck, Katherine. love, mom
ReplyDeleteHmm, I'll have to think about what I'd do in this case, but just wondering if you've read any John Rosemond books, etc. on this sort of thing? Elaine told me about him and I think he has a lot of ideas about dealing with this sort of behavior...
ReplyDeleteI had my Will do some similar misbehaviours in public places. I told him we were going to the bathroom to have a "chitchat." Once there, I spanked him (just a firm enough spank that he understood this new word "chitchat." Now when he misbehaves in public I ask if he would like to go to the bathroom to have a chitchat. Usually he straightens right up. It even works with my oldest who has never experienced the chitchat personally.
ReplyDeleteHope that helps.
I say, pick your battles - let him pick his nose - offer him a tissue and save the more strong discipline (where he might want to hit you):) for other, maybe stronger offenses.
ReplyDeleteHe is precious though!
Love, Aunt Holly
Holly: I'm really struggling with the nose-picking issue. I wouldn't mind having to give 10,000 polite reminders, but I'm very perturbed by John's reaction: He usually keeps picking his nose, boldly and in my face. He does it on purpose at times to annoy me, like when he's in time-out. When I'm politely telling him to stop picking his nose and offering a tissue and he stares at me bold faced and keeps digging, then he's moved into disobedience. And then I don't know what to do because I hate getting into "big discipline" for nose-picking, but I really don't like bold-faced disobedience either. ??????????
ReplyDeleteWow, didn't know it involved all that. Guess you have to address it and the other issues.
ReplyDeleteI had a little boy in class that kept hitting yesterday - even after I sat him down and told him that was not okay. He even swatted at another child in class while I was talking to him, he's only 2 though. Boys are foreign to me! :)
Good Luck!
Katherine,
ReplyDeleteI have dealt for the first time ever with a child hitting me. Will started around 13 months, and my girls never did this. I have not parented them differently, he just has a more volatile temper. Like Cathleen I also use a time out for hitting, followed by an explanation of why the time out and an apology from Will. He now hits very rarely, and a simple warning usually stops him mid swing. I myself never spank for hitting, I believe it just teaches that whomever is bigger and stronger wins the hitting contest. I have seen several friends spank their children when they hit and it usually becomes a back and forth of hitting/spanking unless one spanks hard enough to truly HURT, which is not the goal of a spanking. Don't get me wrong, I have spanked my children for other offenses in the past, but I have now abandoned spanking as a discipline tool. When I would spank the girls, it seemed that the shock value worked, and I used it on a handful of occasions, but another punishment would have done the trick, too. Now with Will's temprement I have discovered that spanking Will just makes him more defiant because he is hurt AND angry.
Back to hitting in public, on the few occasions that Will has done this I give him a calm but firm warning and tell him the consequence of continuing to hit. If he does it again I immediately enforce the consequence, even if he screams. I have used going in the cart, taking away a toy, sitting on time out, and removal from a fun activity as consequences. By the way, I would probably take away all of his nosepicking "power" by not acknowledging it at all other than a brief reminder to use a tissue. Then just ignore it and try to involve him in using his hands for something else if you can. Once it stops making you upset he will probably stop doing it!:-) Every child is different, but I hope some of this helps! It is so frustrating/embarrasing when a child hits you in public, so I hope you find something that helps in all of my ramblings!