Current Reading: I have various piles of books around the house which are my current reading. This has been my list for months and months, so I'm not making much progress. I used to be the kind of person who read one book straight through before beginning the next one (and got through two to four books per month). Since I became a mother, it seems I've transformed into the chaotic kind of reader who has bookmarks in many tomes. Right now, I am reading:
Fiction:
The Diary of a Country Priest by Georges Bernanos
Non-Fiction:
Brought to Bed: Child-Bearing in America: 1750-1950 by Judith Walzer Leavitt
Spiritual:
The Secret of the Rosary by St. Louis Mary de Montfort
The Three Ages of the Interior Life (vol. 1) by Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange
This Tremendous Lover by Dom Eugene Boylan
Christ in the Home by Raoul Plus
The Imitation of Mary by Thomas a Kempis
Marriage and parenting:
The Exceptional Seven Percent by Greg Popcak
Parenting with Grace by Greg Popcak
The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
Homemaking:
The Naturally Clean Home by Karyn Siegel-Maier
The Laurel's Kitchen Bread Book by Laurel Robertson
And that doesn't count the half dozen books on my to-read shelf which I have not yet begun! Frankly, I feel like I'm barely getting any reading accomplished because I pick up a book at random half a dozen times a day to read only one or two pages. I rarely finish anything and my head is swimming with where I left off in each book.
I think I'm simply feeling overwhelmed with everything right now. I'm trying to learn how to decorate the house (not my strong suit) by reading dozens of old interior decorating magazines, clean out overstuffed closets, start exercising at least a couple of times a week to lose my 10 pounds of baby fat (and 10 pounds of law school fat!), get a dinner on the table every night (still haven't got that routine down), and actually keep on top of the laundry and mess in the house. Now that John is eating some solids and eats much more if I let him eat snacks while he runs around (instead of allowing him to eat only in his booster seat at meal times), my carpet and wood floors are a tundra of cat hair tumbleweeds, swirling motes of dust, and globs of masticated food bits. I sweep daily but it feels pointless: just today I dry mopped the floor and it was all shiny for five minutes until John awoke from his nap, ate some crackers, and managed to cover the entire floor with crumbs. Sometimes I want to put my feet up and eat bon bons because to keep trying makes me feel like a hamster racing in a wheel never getting anywhere. Meanwhile, my La Leche League leaders' handbook and a knitting project sit in vain hope in the living room, as if I could put in the six to twelve months of preparation actually to become a certified LLL leader or I could find the time to learn to knit (for the third time) without abandoning my household chores.
This seems to be one of those weeks when Mama is struggling to keep head above water and spirits cheerful. I run on so very little sleep. Yet I know that I'm really abundantly blessed, my struggles are utterly mundane, and nearly all my friends have these same struggles (and more) with many more children for whom to care than my measly one.
For example, my Internet-friend Rose, who is almost exactly my age, just birthed twins yesterday--thanks be to God! These are her children #11 and 12, her eldest child 12 years and her #10 child not yet one year old. She home schools them all and cooks fabulous meals. She co-sleeps with all her children until they're at least three years old, she nurses them for a couple of years (which means she's always tandem nursing), and she never does cry-it-out techniques, sleep training, or corporal punishment. All the while, she is unbelievably sweet of temperament. In essence, she is my heroine and an inspiration while simultaneously serving to reveal me to be, in comparison, ungrateful and incompetent to say the least.
So then I grab one of the great, classic spiritual books off my bookshelf in hopes to find The Answer for how I can be all and do all with a smile on my face . . .
I've just got to hope that I'm not the only fairly new homemaker and mother who has these kind of days (and weeks . . . and months . . .). And I've got to hope that with experience these feelings go away!
Oh, Katherine! I think you're an amazing mama! Truly! It's so easy to compare ourselves to others and focus on what we're not doing. Try looking at your blog and reading it from an outsiders perspective. I think that if you were to do that, you would see how remarkable you are, and how much you really do get done. Any stranger who happened to stumble across your blog would be thoroughly impressed by you. Even the blog itself is more than most moms do! John will be so blessed to have the early years of his life archived!
ReplyDeleteGiven your blog entry, this is going to sound strange, but I'm going to recommend ANOTHER book to you. Yes, you heard me correctly. This book is based on St. Therese's "Little Way," and it's a series of small chapters that are to be read in the form of your own spiritual at-home retreat. Each chapter only takes about 15 minutes or less to read. It's my spiritual advisor's favorite book. It's called "I Believe in Love" by Fr. d'Elbee (If you order it, be sure to get the version below):
http://www.amazon.com/Believe-Love-Personal-Retreat-Teaching/dp/1928832288/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1199327744&sr=8-3
I look to Saint Therese as an example. She looked at all of the saints before her and thought that there was no way she could ever measure up to them. Our Lord, knowing that she was a fragile soul, showed her "The Little Way," and she was able to become a saint.
As for the mess on the floor, I completely identify (and my baby isn't even eating solids yet!) Do you have a good hand vacuum in addition to a regular vacuum cleaner? Ben got me the Dirt Devil Kone vacuum for Christmas, and it's been a wonderful addition to our family! It's great for those little messes, and makes cleaning not seem as overwhelming.
http://www.target.com/Dirt-Devil-Kone-Vacuum/dp/B000H31S8S/sr=1-1/qid=1199327938/ref=sr_1_1/602-9368387-8663855?ie=UTF8&index=target&rh=k%3Akone&page=1
As for dinner, I've been using my crock pot more, and that has helped me tremendously. As a nursing mother who wants to have dinner ready by the time her husband walks in the door, it's a lifesaver.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You're doing great! And remember the lesson of St. Therese :-)
Love,
Rebecca
Dear Katherine,
ReplyDeleteDon't let these difficult times get you down. I happen to know that your husband is very proud of you and thinks you are doing a great job. Frankly he won't stop talking about you and it is getting a bit tiresome.
It reminds me of the days spent out in the safari during my time as host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. There were times when I just couldn't bear it... wait ... really those days were fantastic and don't really apply to your situation.
Just know that these difficult days will pass and it will all get better in time. Hold on tight to your husband and together you will get through this. He is a strong man and he cares of nothing more in this world than you and John.
Sincerely,
Marlin Perkins
Host-Emeritus
Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom
I have that I Believe in Love book if you would like to borrow my copy.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the best way to avoid being disappointed with yourself is to lower your expectations. :-)
And yeah, mopping the floor went out the window about 5 years ago. Oh wait- that is exactly how long I have been a mom. :-) If there aren't big chunks of food or sticky patches I kind of just ignore it.
:-) Hang in there... you'll bounce back. Maybe some sleep is on the menu?
Oh no! Another opportunity for me to blather on...
ReplyDeleteKatherine, I have to agree with the other comments written here (and that Marlin Perkins is such a sweet man). You're a wonderful mother, and your hubby is right to be proud of you! I think you are WAY too hard on yourself, and for you to say that you are "ungrateful and incompetent" is frankly, ridiculous.
As a new Mama and homemaker (AND perfectionist who wants to be all and do all) myself, I certainly have those rough days (and weeks) that sap out any semblance of a cheery disposition. I don't claim to have all the answers or have it all under control, but over the past few months, I've learned that sometimes you just have to let some things go...the dirty dishes with be there tomorrow. You can't always "be all and do all" with a smile on your face; it's either "be all, do all" or smile. I used to get really upset if I didn't have all my chores done and dinner ready by the time my husband got home. It was my "job" to have it completed, and in "ordinary" professional settings, if you don't get your job done, you could get reprimanded or fired. But Jason pointed out (and still does whenever I "relapse") that my main "job" was taking care of Emma, and if the only thing I did was play with her all day (leaving the house a disaster zone), then I accomplished all I needed to accomplish. And sometimes, ordering a pizza or throwing something in the microwave is sufficient for dinner.
I also know that you put John and your husband and chores ahead of you own "needs," but you do need to take a little time for yourself every once in awhile. When you don't, it makes overwhelming weeks like this very difficult to manage (at least for me...I end up all weepy). I always utilize Emma's nap times for accomplishing my chores and other projects, but I do allow a couple naps per week to do something for myself (read, watch a movie, nap). And every once in awhile, when Jason is home and not working or doing school work, I'll sneak off for 20 minutes or so to soak in the bathtub with a book (which is frequently interrupted by Little Miss once she figures out I'm behind a closed door, at which time, I get out).
The past three weeks around my home, Jason was extremely sick, and I was running ragged taking care of Emma and him. It was easy for me to completely forget about myself and focus solely on my family, but I was beginning to crack and was running the risk of getting sick too. I ultimately realized that I needed to get some help and take some time for me, because "if Mama goes down, the whole household goes down." Fortunately, my Mom lives nearby and came over a couple times to help around the house. I'm betting you have some good people nearby who can help you when things get overwhelming.
Rebecca is correct too...it's SO easy to compare ourselves to others and try to force ourselves into the mold of another Mom. You want to be like your friend Rose, but she's had 12+ years to get to where she is. And I'm guessing that she too has some difficult days that sap all semblance of cheeriness. Rose may be your idea of "super-mom/wife" but realize that there are others out here that look at you as "super-mom/wife." I can't count how many times I've read your blog and felt completely incompetent (and I think I'm doing a pretty good job with Emma).
So hang in there, and don't be afraid to ask for a little help. Take care of you sometimes (I don't think that's selfish)...
~J
Your other friends have covered everything pretty well, so I won't repeat what they said. ;-) But I have to ask...is it just PMS rearing its ugly head? Perhaps you've been without it so long that you've forgotten what it feels like. Mine was really, really bad when my kids were little and it was years before I recognized what it was!
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself! :-)
Rebecca: Thanks for your sweet words. I know of the Little Way. It is a surprisingly difficult theology to embrace, it is so simple!
ReplyDeleteI do use my slow cooker, but it still requires *planning* and therein lies the rub. Also, because we're a divided vegetarian-meat eater household, a slow cooker meal only makes food for Chris so I still have to make a second meal for myself.
Re: the floors, Chris gave me a sweet surprise last night. He snuck out of the house at 10:30 p.m. when I was asleep and went to the store where he bought me a Dirt Devel broom vac! It's soooo cool. Right now it is charging and I can't wait to use it after the 24 hours is up.
Dear Mr. Perkins:
ReplyDeleteRespectfully, I think your days in the hot sun have made your thinking a little soft and that you think too highly of your wife. She doesn't do that great of a job!
Sincerely,
Mrs. Lauer
Sarah: I swear, I think I have "I Believe in Love" somewhere in the house, not yet read. Amidst these piles of books . . .
ReplyDeleteYeah, sleep would seriously improve my outlook. But, unfortunately, God gave me a baby who doesn't sleep in long stretches. My only hope is that it is true that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
Janeane: Thanks for the encouragement to get some relaxation sometimes. I just attended an entire discussion group about how mama has to sometimes re-energize herself or she will be unable to take care of her husband and children. That can be really hard for some personality types, like mine. I really feel like I shouldn't do anything for me unless every single thing else is done. Of course, every single thing else is *never* done, so when I do inevitably do something for myself, I feel guilt-ridden.
ReplyDeleteSara B.: Good thinking! I happen to know that this latest episode is not PMS, but PMS is something that can definitely surprise a girl unawares after months of lactational amennorhea!
ReplyDeleteI've always loved Marlin for his insight, compassion and depth of love, which has no end!!
ReplyDeleteMy love to the 3 of you!