First Week of Lent 2012

I don't have a cute photo of my kids with crosses of ash but I did learn an interesting little fact on Ash Wednesday. Coming out of Mass, I noticed that my kids' ashes had already worn off and, in fact, almost every body's ashes were gone. When Chris stood in line to talk to the priest about something else, he was present to hear another conversation in which a parishioner joked, "Father, you gave us defective ashes!" Father explained that some parishes use "fake ashes." (I doubt they're really fake, as I imagine that they're burned something). Those are very black and stay on for hours and hours: I've definitely received that kind some years. (One time, even, I was in a grocery store after Mass and a fallen away Catholic rushed up to me, asking if today was Ash Wednesday, could she go to Mass, was there a nearby parish, and what were the times? What a good thing that was!) But Father said that authentic ashes, made from last year's burned blessed palms, mixed with blessed oil, don't stick very well. Who knew?!

My kids are liking doing the Holy Heroes Lenten Adventure (free, you can still sign up!), but it took a couple of days for them to understand that they would not be receiving a chocolate every morning after doing the Adventure . . . like they had opening their Advent calendar!

On Saturday, I was privileged to attend the Charlotte Catholic Women's Group annual Lenten retreat, which lasts a half day. That is about the right length, I think, for mothers of young ones, which many of us are. Right now I just don't see how I could manage a weekend retreat away, especially with a nursing baby. The nun who was the speaker this year introduced us to St. Teresa Avila's "The Interior Castle," which is about the development of the soul through seven stages. That spiritual classic has been on my list to read since I became a Catholic almost seven years ago. The speaker reduced down this meaty work and explained the basics of the first three stages of a soul's advancement. She was engaging, humorous, and bright. I found the retreat to be deeply inspiring for me and I came away feeling so excited.

And Miss Margaret, who came along with me, did beautifully. She didn't utter one cry from 8:00 a.m. till 3:00 p.m., something that doesn't even happen in the comfort of her own home! She slept on my back through the Mass, toddled around quietly and happily during the first talk and during most of the Adoration hour (when I just stayed in the gymnasium), rode on my back during lunch, and napped on my back during the second talk. Such a gift from God, that's what I believe.

I will share with you what I believe was God nudging me until he just about knocked me over. In fact, as the nun that day explained, God communicates directly at times (e.g., by reading his Word in Scripture, or by miraculous communication), and indirectly most of the time (e.g., when one can feel God's truth through a sermon or through someone else speaking). This was God communicating indirectly with me, I believe!

I was not going to attempt any Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament because a potentially loud toddler has no place amidst two hundered silent women (many of whom are finally getting a break from their noisy toddlers!) trying to adore Jesus in the Real Presence. I let Margaret walk around the gymnasium while I followed her around, waiting for the hour of Adoration to be over. It did occur to me that I could go adore Jesus from the vestibule behind glass, with the baby toddling around, and it wouldn't be less of adoration but I told myself, "Oh, don't be stupid, Katherine, just do your duties to the baby."

Then Chris and I checked in with each other by phone and he immediately said, "Aren't there any ladies there that you know? (Yes.) Well, go find M---- and ask her to watch Margaret." I said I surely didn't want to interrupt her very special Adoration time. Chris replied, "She will thank you for interrupting her for this."

Chris knows how much I hate to ask for help. I hate it because it makes me small and not independent. Hate it. (If it's not obvious, I realize that this is a bad spiritual vice of mine.)

So I trudged over to the church and peered inside, only to find dear M----, whom I trust implicitly with my children, almost next in line for Confession. 'Ah, see, I can't interrupt her now!'

But then I thought that I should at least try adoring from the cry rooms (which have glass looking into the church). I marched into one darkened cry room only to realized instantly that Father was hearing Confessions and one can hear his voice audibly from the adjoining cry room. Ooops! So I turned on my heel and zipped right out of there. I walked across the way to the second cry room only to discover that it was full of a bridal party getting ready for the wedding in two hours!

I thought, "Well, see God, I tried."

So I stood in the vestibule just waiting till Adoration was over, a buzz of wedding workers around me. Then a woman whom I've met a few times came out of the church, made a beeline for me, and said, "I'm so glad you have your baby with you. You know, if she gets fussy at any time, I'm sure there would be plenty of arms ready to hold her."

Immediately I knew God was speaking to me and that we are the body of Christ, those arms would be the arms of Christ, and that I was supposed to ask her to watch my baby. Did I do so?

Noooooooooo.

Oh, thank you, polite thank you, nod, smile. She left.

One minute later, now a woman who was a perfect stranger to me came out of the church, made a beeline for me, and, after complimenting my cute baby, asked, "May I watch her for you so you can go in to Adoration?"

'Okay God, I get it. Thanks for the two-by-four.' So, I left my baby with a stranger and went (ten feet away, separated by a glass door through which I could watch) into the church for the last ten minutes of Adoration . . . which I admit was very nice and good.

All in all, a very fruitful retreat!

Two Daddies Hike South Mountain

Chris had been gone all last week on business, so he took Monday off with the intent to take the big kids hiking and give me a day at home with the baby to listen to quietness. Unfortunately, Mary was on her worst day of the cold that had been moving through the house, so I felt obliged to keep her home. Chris enjoyed a great day hiking with a dad-friend (which is very good, he's been working crazy-hard) and I stayed home with the two littlest ones, both sick. And when Mary is sick, she is a very ill-tempered little girl (unlike her brother who just lies in a sweet, pathetic lump). You should have read my pathetic email of despair written to Chris in the midst of Mary screaming in a temper tantrum for an hour straight (in the face of my trying everything on the spectrum, nothing of which worked). Not a relaxing day for Mama, but John did enjoy some really good quality time with Daddy!

40 Bags in 40 Days

Donations on their way out the door

I live under a rock, but apparently the challenge of "40 Bags in 40 Days" is not brand new, as is my discovery of it. There are many, many blog posts about the idea of trying to get rid of 40 bags of clutter during the 40 days of Lent--by donation, by selling, or by throwing away.

This challenge could very easily be mis-used as a self-serving neatening up of the house (like fasting just to diet and fit into a smaller dress) . . .  probably just feeding one's pride or sense of control and self-reliance instead of one's leaning on God. But I found one blog post about the spiritual aspect of de-cluttering that was, for me, profound and inspiring.

So, I'm doing it. I'm up for the challenge. Just wanted to spread the word to any of my blog readers who also live most of the time in the nice dark comfort under a rock.

Source: The 40 Trash Bag Challenge by Simply Catholic

Back in 2008 I took a box of trash bags and a bit of inspiration and got rid of 40 bags of stuff from my home. In 2009 Fr. Kyle Schnippel asked if he could grab that idea as a Lenten sacrifice and then over the last two years the idea has been picked up by various mail lists and people who are looking for a way to "Let Go" as part of Lent - or a way to declutter their homes. I love that so many people have found this useful. To help those who find their way here make the most of their "Trash Bag Challenge" I am republishing and reworking some of those ideas that have been the best and most useful.

The two ways I have approached the 40 Trash bag challenge are as a decluttering exercise and as a part of a Lenten sacrifice. Both serve a purpose but they are radically different in the approach I use.

40 Trash Bags - Decluttering

The first way is just focusing on getting rid of stuff. Basically the 40 trash bag challenge is a very simple idea. Take a bag, one each day, and fill it with things you don't need. You do this for five days a week for eight weeks. The stuff is throw away, given away or donated. A large item (sofa, computer, TV, chair) can count as a bag. A box of books can count as a bag. The only thing that doesn't count is your typical everyday trash. If you have a small apartment or less stuff use a smaller bag. If you have a lot to lose use a bigger bag. Don't let the bags sit around your house. At the very least take them to the car so you can drop them off at your local charity the next time you drive by. The most important thing in this exercise is to let go of the extra stuff. Though we try to make sure that we do the best we can by giving away what we can and recycling what we can and not mindlessly adding to the landfill this is not the primary objective.

40 Trash Bags - For Lent

The goal when doing a 40 trash bags for Lent is a little different. The goal here is to let go but in a more mindful way. Sure, you are decluttering, but you are also praying your way through it. In my home clutter comes in different types and each is rather symbolic for some of the spiritual sicknesses so many people suffer from. Fear, vanity, covetousness, pride, sloth and envy all help us become fearsome consumers. We have too many possessions, too many aspirations, too little time. We have so many good intentions and so many fears and we are all drowning in excess of everything, we freeze in the face of so much to do then we do not do those things we should. We become victims, buried in our stuff and slaves to our desires.

A good priest once told me that he believed most sin was born of a desire for something good that ended up twisted, disordered and gone awry. While I am certainly not equating have too much stuff or being hopelessly cluttered with mortal sin, there is a parallel and a peril. If our possessions consume the time and talents that we should be spending on relationships with our God, our loved ones and our community then they are a problem. If we devote so much of our efforts to acquiring, managing, storing, cleaning and ultimately disposing of our stuff then we miss out on chances to love. Stuff will never replace what is missing in our hearts, it will never keep us safe from uncertainty, it will not make us more beautiful, healthy, faithful or immune to aging. Clutter will not protect us from the outside world. When we couple the 40 Trash Bag Challenge with Lent sometimes it hurts. Sometimes the letting go hurts. Sometimes it is frightening, sometimes is brings up painful memories, sometimes it forces us to confront fears - and that is a good thing. This isn't just stuff we are de-junking from our home - this is a load we are setting down. Depending on how attached you are to your stuff, how much emotion you put into it those things can be hard. Even if you don't attach a lot of emotion to stuff the letting go can be hard. That is what makes it a Lenten Sacrifice.

The second year I did this I heard one very solid complaint. Lenten Sacrifices shouldn't be just about giving up something, especially if it is something we shouldn't be doing in the first place, they should be about giving up something we enjoy to draw closer to God and it certainly shouldn't be about cleaning your house. After a good deal of thought I have to respectfully disagree. Lenten sacrifices shouldn't be about giving up sins - we should be trying to give sin always. But having an excess of worldly goods isn't quite a sin it is more like being overweight. Letting go of stuff is very akin to fasting which resembles dieting. We might statistically be an obese nation and individually might be overweight and out-of-shape, but that doesn't mean that fasting during Lent isn't a good idea because limiting our caloric intake is something we should do anyway. If we are just dejunking and getting rid of the excess then no, it won't be a good Lenten Sacrifice, but if we make it something that helps us see what we don't need is stuff and what we do need is Christ then it is worthwhile, especially if we bless others along the way.


Getting Started an Keeping Going

The first year it seemed a rather crazy thing. I ditched 40 kitchen trash bags (or the equivalent) of stuff out of our house. Yes, really. It is amazing how much stuff was lurking in the backs of cupboards and closets and how many "extra" things I had. Too many towels, sheets, coats, shoes, books, small kitchen appliances... the list goes on and on.

This was started as a housekeeping exercise. Something I did because my home needed a good dejunking. It had been years since I had really decluttered and letting go was so liberating.

40 bags. One thing I know caused some people pause was the picture of the big overstuffed black bag. "No way could I fill forty of those bags." There was a little attitude in some of the comments. "No, WAY I could fill forty bags... You would have to be like one of those horder folks to do that, no way my house has that much stuff." At this point I don't know that I could fill 40 lawn and yard bags. My home is under 3000 sq feet and even with 6 kids in the house there is only so much stuff that can fit.
But then again I could. When I look at what others have, what my ancestors considered wealth. I consider the homeless woman with all her worldly possessions in a grocery cart. Then I compare it to my modest house and yes, I could fill up 40 huge bags. But if I was single and living in a dorm, no - I couldn't. But the size of "bag" is really immaterial. It is the consistency of everyday shedding off some of our material goods. A grocery bag would be a better measure for some - I suppose if I was very wealthy and had multiple homes maybe something more on the lines of a truck bed full a day would work better. The point is not the size of the bag, box or bundle, it is the act of letting go of the "stuff" a bit each day.

It should hurt a little - not a lot, but a bit. There should be some small sense of having to sacrifice or maybe some small bit of contrition at how much we hold onto things when we could give that time and energy to God. If you struggle as I do with organization then I am sure you have read about the theories of hording and attachment to the "stuff". Our environments began to posses us instead of serving us. If you don't deal with that particular mental vice then there is still the beauty of the words of Christ "

24 "No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
26 Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?
27 Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
28 Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin.
29 But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.
30 If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
31 So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?'
32 All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
33 But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.
34 Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.

These words were said to people, many of whom could probably put everything they personally owned in one of my closets.

How it works:

1. Grab a bag - Pick what size of trash bag you want to use. I used tall kitchen bags (use what works for you, paper sack, grocery bag - whatever).
2. Fill the bag - Each week day for eight weeks fill one bag (or equivalent). It can be a bag of toys, clothes, papers, collected junk mail, 1992 tax forms — whatever you have too much of. Equivalents count: anything about the size of a trash bag counts: a box of books, an old TV, a computer system. Anything that you can count as clutter or excess is fair game.
3. Make it go away - Donate as much as you can, sell something if it has real value (but don’t count it until it is gone) don’t be afraid to trash things.
4. Toot your own horn - You deserve this. Post a update on your blog, Twitter #40TBC, @40tbc or follow 40tbc , leave a comment here, or join the Facebook Group. Let someone know how it goes - it is motivating to you and to others.
5. Have fun. This means feel free to rewrite the rules to fit your life. Letting go of stuff is liberating — yes, it is a chore, but it is a good thing.

If you find you are having trouble

If find you have trouble starting or the first few days things seem to be going well but then you start to flounder there might be a couple things that you can tweak.

1. If you found the first few days you were pulling stuff out of your house like gang-busters but now you have basically stopped because you can't figure out what to get rid of - you are using too big a bag. Scale back to something smaller.
2. Your house is cluttered and you fill a bag a day but no one (not even you) can tell. If you have the energy use a bigger bag (or do two a day). If you find filling a bag saps your energy keep with your one bag a day - just keep going. Fill your bags from one room day after day until you notice a difference.
3. You can't seem to fill a bag even though you have a ton of stuff. If you find you are sitting with say boxes of baby clothes and can't let anything go even though your youngest is taller than you are you are probably dealing with attachment issues. If you pick up something and it brings back a flood of memories and you are worried that tossing the item is somehow going to diminish the memory you definitely have attachment issues. This is hard and tricky and can be emotionally raw. Try to find a good place for those things you feel attached to but know intellectually you don't need. Give them to a crisis pregnancy center, a women's shelter, the Goodwill. Let someone else be blessed by your abundance. If it helps take a picture of the item and post it to flicker or a blog and write the memory down. Then you have a visual memory and the story, you can even share it with others if you are so inclined. But let the thing go.
4. If you can't put anything in your bags because you might need it later. You are living in a fear mindset. Ask yourself what the absolute worst thing that will happen if you toss the item in question and then you will almost always find it will be ok.
5. If you can't put anything in your bag because you are planning to use it latter stop yourself. You HAVEN'T used this yet. I have this problem with craft supplies and books. I am just sure that I will use it later or my children will want it. Sometimes this is valid most the time it isn't. I found it helpful to put these items aside and do a Use it or lose it exercise.
6. Your children or husband are complaining because stuff is vanishing. You need to sit down and talk with them - it is possible you are being too enthusiastic it is also possible that they have "stuff" issues or "change" issues.
7. Your children or husband are complaining because they are tripping over bags in the garage or foyer. You need to review rule #3 Make the bags Go Away. At least weekly drop them off at your favorite charity. Volunteers of America and other organizations will often pick up stuff if you call them.
8. You can't figure out where to start. Your closet. No, don't argue - if you have a better idea you wouldn't have asked. Yes, there has to be at least a few things you can give away. Now go get your bag and start. If you just did your closet and your bag isn't full do your linen closet - anything that hasn't been used in a year goes in the bag - if your bag isn't full after that switch to an smaller size bag. Have fun.

Crown of Thorns

Last year, this Lenten project was so popular and efficacious that today we again made a salt dough crown of thorns. Let's hope it again inspires my kiddos to run around all Lent looking for good deeds to do . . . they're not so keen on sacrifices yet, but they do like to do good deeds.

When the kids do a good deed or make a sacrifice, they get to remove a thorn from Jesus' crown, to make him feel better. At the end of Lent, we will decorate the crown with sparkles and faux gemstones so Jesus has a beautiful crown in Heaven.

Homemade Laundry Soap

I have found a method of making homemade laundry soap that I like. I tried making powdered laundry soap a long while back, but--despite my usual preference for powdered commercial detergent--I didn't like it because I had to get the powder to melt in hot water before changing the water temperature, if need be, and adding the clothing.

So, last month I tried making liquid laundry soap. I have used up the whole two gallons (64 loads' worth) and found no decrease in the cleanliness of the clothing and cloth diapers. I continued to use my all-time favorite stain remover, Oil Eater Cleaner Degreaser.

My purpose for trying homemade laundry soap is not to be environmentally friendly (have no idea of its environmental impact) or for allergenic purposes (I think it still contains scents), but because it is so much cheaper. One load of this homemade detergent costs one penny, versus the 24 cents per load I pay for Tide Free & Clear liquid, purchased at Costco.

There are several recipes online and I used the one found at The Family Homestead. It was super easy and took about 15 minutes of babysitting, using ingredients now easily found at most grocery stores.

The only tip I'll add is that this product really does require a bucket for scooping. Initially I bought two one-gallon containers that pour, thinking that would be easier, but the soap gels up in a gloppy way that does not permit pouring. I really did need a bucket and scooper.

Shrove Tuesday 2012

As Mary (3) said to daddy this morning, "Happy Shrove Tuesday! That means pancakes!"

Bowling

On Saturday, with two daddies away at a class together all day, two mommies and a grandma took the gang bowling (for my kids' second time ever bowling).

Ages three, four, five, and six 

(Off camera: ages 10 months, 1-1/2 years, and the other mommy's Baby Bump)

Mary, the youngest player, actually scored the highest, at 63 points for 7 frames completed. Yes, that was the highest score even compared to the two adults playing: the two adults who even used the children's gutter bumpers.

Preparing for Lent 2012

I taught my second and final art class for the home school co-op and, after a short discourse on Lent which I hope was aimed appropriately at my young audience, we made Lenten Books, an idea I got from Catholic Icing, from whence so many great ideas come. The Stations of the Cross stickers are from Autom, which sells many exquisite (not goofy) Catholic stickers.

For the inside pages, I chose this Stations of the Cross for kids, whose prayers are particularly suited for the preschool age. (Example: "Dear Jesus, you were condemned to death due to false witness. Help us to be always truthful and never lie.") I greatly appreciated this Stations of the Cross too, though it is suited to kids ever so slightly older.

On the back page, this printable Lenten calendar for kids, one square to be colored in each day.

These three short books will take a parent of young children far during Lent.

So, mamas and daddies, are you preparing for Lent? Are you planning out your Lent like a spiritual battle? Are you guiding your young children to have a fruitful lent? This period of about six weeks is full of deep meaning and is salutary for the soul if a person puts effort into using the time well.

During Lent, Catholics are to focus on three activities: prayer, fasting, and alms giving.

Prayer: Extras? Different ones? Prayers on behalf of others not praying for themselves? Have you examined your conscience to discern your predominant fault? Are you working on a particular virtue? Have you chosen some focused spiritual reading (perhaps a classic work) to do during Lent?

Fasting: Corporal (or external) fasting? Spiritual (or internal) fasting? To what purpose is your fast? To make reparation for your own or others' sins? To help bring about greater virtue in yourself? To strengthen your own will, since one cannot resist Big Temptations unless one can resist Little Temptations? (I ask myself: If I am so weak that I cannot resist the chocolate, then why do I kid myself that I'd be strong enough to resist apostasy?) If little children do not learn how to sacrifice and go without some things they truly enjoy (albeit small and age-appropriate), why do we think that when they are older, they will have strength to sit with the sense of deprivation and be okay with that feeling?

Alms Giving: Can you give extra, more than usual? Money? Time? Treasure? Make a meal for a tired mama? Visit an elderly person? Feed a homeless person? Do chores for a disabled person? Can you give secretly or anonymously?

For children, I highly recommend Glory Stories' Holy Heroes Advent Adventure which is free and comes ready-made for busy mothers, right to your email in box throughout Lent. Glory Stories also sells some products to use with the program, if one so desires.

I think doing some crafts with children throughout Lent helps teach the littlest ones about Lent in a way they can understand. I hope to be posting about the crafts we do. Again, see Catholic Icing for enough ideas to last a lifetime.

For the parents guiding the family, I'd like to highlight this beautiful Lenten Pocket Calendar by Mancipia Press (Saint Benedict Center). I believe that one still has time to sign up free to receive one by Ash Wednesday.

The inspiring text is not available to copy and paste from online, so, for those who aren't going to receive this calendar by mail in time for Lent, I type out the text here, in purple:

Your 2012 Lenten Calendar

This pocket-size Lenten Calendar is to help you make a profitable forty-day period of prayer, penance, and spiritual exercises in preparation for the proper celebration of Easter.

The Lenten discipline consists of three separate parts:

1. Corporal or External Fast, including abstinence from certain foods, drinks, and amusements, i.e., music, and parties during Lent. These points of fast should be stressed today especially with the mania of entertainment besetting our society.

2. Spiritual or Internal Fast which consists of abstinence from "all evil"--sin. Saint John Chrysostom taught that the "value of fasting consists not so much in abstinence from food but rather in withdrawal from sinful practices." Saint Basil the Great explains: "Turning away from all wickedness means keeping our tongue in check, restraining our anger, suppressing evil desires, and avoiding all gossip, lying, and swearing. To abstain from these things--herein lies the true value of fast!"

3. Spiritual Change achieved by the practice of virtues and good works must be the main objective of our fasting. The Fathers of the Church insisted that during Lent the faithful attend the Lenten church services and daily Mass.

In the course of the centuries, our fasting discipline has undergone numerous and radical changes. Today, unfortunately, the observance of Lent is but mere formalism, reduced to abstinence on certain days and without any stress on one's spiritual growth or amending of one's life style. [bolding mine]

It is urgent that we return to the pristine spirit of the Great Fast which is so badly needed in our materialistic world.

You may use this calendar to mark your progress in spiritual and corporal practices.

Listed below are suggested practices that may be used along with your usual Lenten family traditions of sacrifices and penances.

Corporal or External Practices
a. Take less of what you like and more of what you dislike at meals today.
b. Take nothing to drink between meals.
c. do not use seasoning on your food today.
d. Do not use any sweeteners with your food or drinks today.
e. Avoid listening to the radio at all today.
f. Take nothing to eat between meals today.
g. Avoid any T.V. or videos; instead read the Passion of Christ in your Bible or missal.
h. Take only one helping of each item at meals today.
i. Say an extra Rosary.

Spiritual or Internal Fast Practices
a. Don't do any unnecessary talking; instead, say little ejaculations throughout the day.
b. Exercise your patience today in all things.
c. Don't make any complaints today.
d. Restrain any anger, and go out of your way to be kind to the person who caused your anger.
e. Don't be distracted with someone else's business.
f. Avoid any gossip today; instead say an extra Rosary to overcome this great fault.
g. When asked to do something extra, do so with a joyful and pleasant attitude today.
h. Speak in a pleasant tone to everyone today.
i. Avoid using the phone today.
j. Tell the truth in all your dealings today.
k. Avoid any vanity or self-seeking today.

Spiritual Practices (virtues and good works)
a. Practice humility today in all your actions.
b. Be generous today; help someone in need.
c. Look for ways to be helpful throughout the day.
d. Do a job that needs to be done without being asked.
e. Be courageous; walk away from any impure situations today.
f. Don't be idle at all today. Always be doing something for others or for your spiritual growth.
g. Go out of your way today to help or talk to someone who is usually difficult.
h. Volunteer for an extra job today.
i. Say an extra Rosary today for the conversion of a sinner.
j. Visit someone who is sick or lonesome today. Offer to say the Rosary with them.


And in the spirit of Lent, I copy-and-paste the below meditation on sins of the tongue, not because I have these faults "licked," but because I need so much to overcome them myself. As Jesus said, "So I tell you this, that for every unfounded [or idle] word people utter they will answer on Judgement Day, since it is by your words you will be justified, and by your words condemned." (Matthew 12:36-37)  We ladies like to talk, and I am no exception, so it sends a chill down my spine to think that I will answer for every idle word said!

Source: Six Practical Means to Overcome Sins and Faults of the Tongue

Sins and Faults of the Tongue: To Speak or not to Speak – That is the Question

Dear Sister,
There is a lot of noise around me – constantly. So much chatter. It seems to me that conversations in general are getting more superficial. I’m reminded of the title of one Shakespeare’s plays. It seems to fit what I am trying to say – Much Ado about Nothing. What are your thoughts?
Dear Friend,
Ah! Much Ado About Nothing. Well said!
I hear a longing in your question – a longing for something deeper, restorative and spiritual. To fulfill this longing, we must all try, even though it is not so easy in today’s culture, to re-discover the healing power of silence. As Ecclesiastes says, “There is a time a time to be silent, and a time to speak.”
Each one of my Carmelite Sisters, including myself, is required to make an eight-day silent retreat yearly. When we first entered Carmel, silence was difficult for us. It was new. Many of us spend our first eight-day retreat simply meditating with growing astonishment that anyone could even keep quiet for eight full days, and how were we ever going to get through it? Of course, throughout the years, we have all come to love it.
There are two kinds of silence – exterior and interior silence. Each complements the other. Each makes the other possible. Both bring you closer to God. We learn to keep still and quiet so that we may pray. It doesn’t take long to realize that the external silence, once achieved, reveals all those interior noises that converge within our minds. The Carmelite way is a way of profound prayer and we all find out soon enough that our interior thoughts can be very noisy. I’ve heard from people who had tried the hermit way of life, and left it because the silence uncovered so much of their interior noise. As they put it, it uncovered too much.
During one eight-day silent retreat, the retreat master, who happened to be Father Thomas Dubay, SM, spoke about the opposite of silence. He concentrated on speech, on WHAT we CHOOSE to say and WHEN we choose to say it.
I still have my notes from that memorable eight-day retreat. Each point was an eye-opener for me. You may find this helpful in your quest. So, here are my notes from conferences given by Father Dubay, who divided the topic into two sections:

1. Obvious Sins of the Tongue
2. Unrealized Faults of Speech

Obvious Sins of the Tongue – “In a multitude of words, sin is not lacking” (Proverbs 10:19).

• Detraction – speaking about another persons’ faults (faults that are true) without a good reason (Sirach 21).
• Calumny - which is speaking about a persons’ faults (faults that are not true).
• Bickering – speaking nasty or biting remarks
• Nagging – the constant complaining, scolding or urging about a fault even if it is true; to find fault constantly (Proverbs 21:9).
• Ego-centrism - constantly referring to what I did, what I said, etc. Constantly talking about ME
• Breaking confidences - for there are natural secrets that should not be spread; people have a right to their reputation (Proverbs 11:13)
• Dominating a conversation to prove a point – and most of the time we are unaware we are doing this.
• Salacious talks/jokes - which has to do with speaking impurely (Ephesians 5:3-4).

Unrealized Faults of Speech

• Talking can be a big waste of time – when the talking is empty and gossipy (Matt. 12:36)
• Neglecting the spiritual in our speaking with others - which is the main business of our lives (Ps. 25:15; Eph. 1: Col. 3:12; Eph. 5:18-20)
• Dissipation and draining of our psychic energies – leaving us fatigued, distracted, and unable to do our tasks at hand
• Bad example – to our family, friends, co-workers, but especially to our children
• Excessive comfort-seeking through words – which includes talking over and over again about one’s hurts
• Excusing ourselves – when we should not
• Vain discussions – when our time could be better spent (2 Tim. 2:16-17)
• Meddling in others’ affairs (2 Thess. 3:11-12)

How to Overcome Sins of the Tongue

1. Daily prayer.
2. Frequent Confession and Holy Communion.
3. Pray for the grace to recognize all of the sins of the tongue — some are obvious, some are subtle.
4. Pray for the grace to keep silent during discussion of a bad situation.
5. Pray for the grace to keep silent during discussion of another person.
6. Just keep silent.

RULE: NEVER pass on derogatory or uncomplimentary information about anyone, unless the Word of God has given you the specific authority and responsibility to do so, and the person you are informing likewise has responsibility in the situation and a need to know the information.
Of course, the reason we have times of silence is so that we may turn our conversation toward God. The silence we are speaking of is a prayerful, expectant waiting silence. Our world has too much noise in it today, and if we are really honest, each one of us could probably say that our hearts do also. When we do speak, let us be more attentive to what we say, why we are saying it, and how it affects others.
Thank you for your question and until next time,
Sister Laus Gloriae, O.C.D.

Eating Sugar and Running It Off

Thursday felt extra long as I counted down the hours until Chris returned from another week's business trip.

At 10:30 a.m., when I felt surely it must be late afternoon, we made tugboats to use up some time, having read the darling Little Toot earlier.

Yummier than they look

Still not even noon yet, this mama desperately wanted an actually quiet Afternoon Quiet Time, so I took the children for a walk.

Yes, in the rain.

I went to a nearby cul-de-sac and inspired the children to run races around the large grassy area . . . over and over again, until John dragged his little feet home and Mary rode in the stroller out of fatigue.

They had a good Quiet Time, and so did I!

Margaret Becomes a Toddler

A few days ago, just like that, Margaret decided that was the day she preferred walking to crawling. She went from three steps at a time--but crawling when she really wanted to get somewhere--to Being a Toddler.




Margaret has not begun imitating any of my ASL signs yet, but it's so neat to see Margaret's receptive language skills apparent in the last month. If she is approaching stairs (we don't have gates up right now), I say, "Margaret, no stairs." She pauses, stares at me, and lately has just sat at the bottom of the stairway, obeying me. (But sometimes when she hears me say "no stairs," she cackles in laughter and races as fast as she can up the stairs--also showing receptive language!) When I ask her if she wants to EAT (said and signed), to NURSE, or wants MORE, she indicates 'yes' by flapping her arms up and down and shrieking with excitement.

I am wondering if her first word (beside 'mama' and 'dada') is 'nay nay,' which I suspect is her word for nursing.

At ten months old, Margaret also is throwing all-out toddler tantrums when her will is being thwarted. For example, when I pick her up and say, "Put your head on my shoulder," she knows that means I am going to try to help her down for nap or bedtime and either she lays her head on my shoulder or she immediately starts arching her back, flinging her body back and forth, and screaming her head off (I feel like I'm wrestling a bear cub).

This is a neat stage of development!

Feast of St. Valentine 2012

Pardon the lack of cute photos of my kids pouring over St. Valentine's day crafts (which they somehow worked out to do four different occasions!) or of their resulting paper masterpieces of pink Valentine's cards.

I was able to read Robert Sabuda's "Saint Valentine" to the children at a friend's home and I liked the book so much, I've added it to my Wish List. The artwork is sophisticated and messaging is Catholic. Scholars are not entirely clear about the history of the real Fr. Valentine, and there are three versions of biographies that are common: this children's book presents him as a physician-priest.

Meanwhile, this year I bought for our children "St. Valentine: More than Cards and Candied Hearts"  by the very interesting Voice of the Martyrs, which is "a non-profit, inter-denominational Christian organization dedicated to assisting the persecuted church worldwide. VOM was founded in 1967 by Pastor Richard Wurmbrand, who was imprisoned 14 years in Communist Romania for his faith in Christ. His wife, Sabina, was imprisoned for three years. In the 1960s, Richard, Sabina, and their son, Mihai, were ransomed out of Romania and came to the United States. Through their travels, the Wurmbrands spread the message of the atrocities that Christians face in restricted nations, while establishing a network of offices dedicated to assisting the persecuted church."

I bought this book at my favorite and orthodox Catholic bookstore east of the Mississippi, so did not realize it was inter-denominational Christian till I had read it a few times, frankly. So, I believe this book would be acceptable to many of the Protestant denominations as well as to Catholics. The title "saint" is used only in the title, but throughout the book he is called "Valentinus." He is referred to as a "leader of the church" (instead of a priest, and note the lower-case 'c'). The book notes that "almost 200 years after Valentinus died, a leader in the church declared February 14th to be the day Christians honor and remember the courageous life of Valentinus." Yes, that "leader in the church" was Gelasius, pope of the Catholic Church. The text refers to "Jesus' free gift of salvation," which is Protestant phrasing, but also accurate Catholic theology. But nothing in this book goes against the Catholic faith.

Something I appreciated about this book is that it emphasizes the brutal persecution of Christians, that Valentinus was executed by government decree, and that persecution of Christians continues worldwide today--all of this in a way that was truthful but not at all fear-causing among children ages three to eleven to whom I read the book.

And my personal reviewers (my kids) apparently love this book, as they've asked for it to be read about eight times in 24 hours.

In addition to making paper Valentines and baking cookies to share with loved ones, I found these wonderful holy card Valentines, which are Catholic holy cards but also little Valentines on which one could write "to" and "from".

Reality Check: I was almost too stuck in the mud to post about St. Valentine's Day, but I did so because the blog serves for me as a record of liturgical celebrations so I can remember what to do next year. But, mamas, don't think glimpses of happy mothers and crafting children on a blog is overall reality: these are just moments in time. I've been struggling with a husband traveling much of the time, being extremely busy with obligations these two months in particular, a sick son, and, for the last four days, a baby who is screaming all the time unless being held and walked and who will only sleep for 30 minutes at a stretch, night or day. I'm battling self-pity and having more opportunities than I want in which I should (but fail to) choose practicing Christian cheerfulness despite the circumstances.

A Book That Is Really a Television

Scene: Mama and children eating dinner quietly

John [musing thoughtfully]: "Mama, I wish that a book had a screen on each page, like a TV screen. And each screen would play a show about what was on that page."

Sometimes I wish we were Amish!

A Glimpse Into the Future

Today I had the lovely opportunity to help a fellow parishioner brand new to town by babysitting three of her children when she was in a real pinch, needing to be with her fourth child.

I was pretty nervous. I have never watched six children at once. It was to be at her house, so I wouldn't even be in my familiar territory. I packed up snacks and a St. Valentine's Day art project the night before, knowing it would be a very early morning to be there by seven thirty.

And you know what? The four hours were easier than a typical morning at home with just my three. I was sending emails to my husband (from my phone) about how I was bored and wished I'd brought a book to read.

Bored while watching six children?!

The three I was watching were 11, 9, and 3. First we ate breakfast together: the children have an extremely good mealtime routine--a routine that does not involve leaping from their seats repeatedly, but that does involve the three-year-old setting the table herself, everyone praying the Angelus and grace, eating their food, then one child clearing the table while another child washes all the dishes, right away, not hours later when frazzled mama can get to them. Table is wiped, crumbs are swept, the whole cleaning was done in ten minutes, everyone having worked as a team.

Then we read some stories about the real St. Valentine and did a St. Valentine's day art project. The 11-year-old paired up with one 3-year-old, the 9-year-old paired up with the other 3-year-old, the 5-year-old was capable, and I was able to find a quiet corner and nurse my baby leaving children alone with markers, glue, and even scissors!

Then the two oldest boys had to do some of their homeschooling work. So I mentioned that it was time for that and we cheerfully cleaned up the art project and they skittered off to work with nary a complaint. I was starting to feel like I was in the Twilight Zone (but a good one!).

I set up the two three-year-olds and the baby to play in one of the bedrooms, where they played very peaceably for a long time and I sat there bored.

The boys being done with their work, we ate a snack, played hide-and-seek as a group, then I divided up the kids again, having the boys play rough and tumble in the boys' room and the two preschoolers doing some more art, followed by reading them a half dozen books. I don't know who these little girls were to sit quietly through half a dozen books in a row, but it was wonderful. My baby toddled around the room peaceably.

Then the mama came home. There were only three incidents of tears among all the children all morning and that is a great number as far as I am concerned.

I need to get me some of those big kids.

My mama-friend and I talked about it and she emphasized that I'm at the hardest time right now, with three kids and their being five years and younger. The five-year-old can do more than ever, but it still really isn't very much that is truly useful--and he's forging his own path instead of following the path of older siblings whom he wants to imitate. And the schooling of the three- and five-year-olds still requires my 100% participation, while simultaneously occupying the baby--whereas once you have a child who can read his own instructions, much of homeschooling becomes setting them up and letting them free to work.

I was so excited to watch how even my little ones wanted to imitate the big boys in their chores. While at home, having John clear the table requires asking him every single meal and sometimes results in grumbling, today at breakfast, he leapt up and said, "I can clear the table too!" He desperately wanted to be a big kid. Then Mary found the hot pink Dust Buster and vacuumed the entire dining room floor (very well, I might add) instead of my having to sweep it up (hours later when frazzled mama can get to it)!

(Husband, dear, guess what I'll be ordering from Amazon.com right away?)

And this lovely lady's home--it was so neat!!! I have begun to pick her brain and I promise you I'll be doing more of that. For example, one of her tactics is that each of the four children gets one plastic bin (each about the size of four shoe boxes) for all their toys. This allows the child to have only so many toys as even a two-year-old can pick up. This relieves the child from being burdened with more belongings than he can possibly care for, relieves him from being shrieked at by his mother for not picking them up (a task too big for him anyway), and relieves the mother of becoming a martyr and picking them up herself. (Plus the family has a chock-full closet of homeschooling games, a closet full of family board games, and outdoor big toys--really, the kids are not deprived.) This theme of very few toys (by American standards) is one I've seen repeated among bigger families. So instead of picking up toys once or a couple times a week, this mama can very easily ask her kids to pick up their toys numerous times per day and it takes all of five minutes max.

Pretty nice system.

Clothing similarly is very limited. Fewer clothes, less mess. Fewer choices, less fighting about wardrobes. And, oh yes, the kids start doing laundry independently by about seven years old.

I don't mean to make it sound like this mama is sitting around eating bon bons because, trust me, she isn't! But I am starting to see more clearly that the work of the mama shifts away from this intense focus on bodily needs, the physical care of the home and the children. When mama is the only competent pair of hands in the house all day, caring for numerous small people, the physical workload is crushing.

I can see a glimpse into the future of getting to do the other work more easily, such as cooking, planning school work, decorating, and so forth--all the things that seem nearly impossible when one is up to one's elbows in diapers, dishes, and doldrums much of the time.

And now I am going to take these last few minutes of my children napping (all three simultaneously! it's like a miracle!) to further de-clutter my house, since I am so inspired by this woman's peacefully neat home.

Bonus Reading: This recent post on Destruction-Proofing Your Family by Leila is in a similar vein. I like her point about the first decade of a family and the second decade of a family.

Flashback

I think we can have a pretty good idea of what Baby Margaret will look like in a couple of years based on the previous model baby.

Anniversary Memorial in Atlanta

We travelled to Atlanta for the one-year anniversary of the passing of Chris' brother Brian. Unfortunately, Chris experienced a Big Ol' Disaster at his job and, for the first time in our marriage, could not come home from his business trip as planned. My father-in-law came to the rescue: he caught a ride with a neighbor of his who happened to be coming to Charlotte for the weekend. He arrived here and one hour later we were loaded in the van and driving back to Atlanta! This way my father-in-law could drive during the times I sat in back with the shrieking baby instead of my being a danger on the road, trying to drive while experiencing that surge of mama hormones from all the baby's crying.

During our weekend stay, we helped take care of the aforementioned neighbor's cat, Tripper, whom we visited numerous times more per day than the requested twice. It was every time an adventure met with ebullient screams, "We're going to visit Tripper!"

On the last morning of the trip, Mary carried the cat to me, announcing, "I want Tripper to be our cat!"

I got the kids outdoors in their grandparents' very kid-friendly back yard to run off energy often. I ran them in races up and down the very long and sloped driveway (only a few skinned knees were procured on the trip downward).

They played ping pong with willing participants.

On Saturday morning, I had the pleasure of meeting my dear friend Elaine (and latest baby, Simon!) for coffee, having not been able to connect with her on one of these visits for at least a year and a half. I brought my three kids, she brought two of her four, and a good time was had by the little guys.

After coffee, we walked around an outdoor plaza to visit longer. John and her eight-year-old boy ran around playing soldiers (or something!), hiding behind trees and columns, and following us as stealthily as they could with a case of the giggles. Above, I finally caught a picture of John darting out from his latest hiding spot.

Meanwhile Mary climbed anything that was vertical. Elaine remarked something about how Mary sure does like to climb and I replied, yup, I'm not exaggerating!

On Saturday evening, my parents-in-law hosted a lovely reception in honor of Brian's memorial. Brothers Tim and Mike were able to come, as were many of Brian's friends from Nashville. As always, my in-laws know how to put on a beautiful party with delicious food. I think a good time was had by all and it was a real comfort for the family to spend this weekend surrounded by Brian's loved ones, instead of being all along with sorrowful thoughts. Tears were shed, but laughter was heard often.

Above are the kids dressed for the reception. I had brought the children outside to play and get out energy without being underfoot during the last hour of party preparations. But within one minute, Mary had dirt on her dress because the kids were (understandably) digging in the giant dirt pile (what else?). And I was reminded of Beatrix Potter's Tom Kitten, when the mother cat foolishly releases the three groomed and dressed kittens while she completes her final preparations of brewing tea and making hot buttered toast, such that the kittens lose all their clothing and are covered in dirt, and are sent to bed for the party.

Uncle Mike teaching John to play guitar

The pole in the den always provides the best entertainment for the children cousins!

Meanwhile, Chris was stuck in California trying to extinguish that Big Ol' Business Disaster, the size of which was about the size of California's notorious wildfires. He was staying up nearly around the clock, being on conference calls that would last nearly the night through, guys sleeping for a measly three or four hours (or not at all) before getting back on task. At one point, Chris' mom asked me, "So Chris really isn't going to surprise me and burst in the door [to be at the Saturday evening reception]?" I almost burst into tears and said, "No! He really is stuck working!" But then (can you see it coming?) . . .

. . . Chris did surprise us! He called me late Saturday night, after the party was concluded, saying he'd received permission to catch a red eye and arrive in time for the memorial Mass Sunday morning. Pop-Pops, the children, and I were sipping coffee in the sitting room of the house when we saw a white taxi pull up at 7:30 a.m. The children ran to the window, they couldn't figure out who was here, Pop-Pops wondered if the van was at the wrong house, and I tried to act cool and not grin. The above photo was taken amidst shrieks of joy when the children figured out that It Was Daddy!

So much happiness to be reunited! Then John ran upstairs to find Grandmom and tell her that Daddy was here, and she came down the stairs asking over and over if that was really true . . . and there were so many tears of joy that followed. What a gift.

Chris still had to work tremendously. The only way he was able to come to Atlanta was to be right back on conference calls literally as soon as Mass was over, all that day, twelve hours straight (one call!) the next day, and so on.

The whole gang visited the graveside after Mass and saw the beautiful new headstone.

The rest of the weekend was spent with much time playing outdoors (the kids dug in that dirt pile with lacrosse sticks for hours).

John almost entirely chopped down a wide tree stump (don't tell him that it was rotted and soft), about which he is very pleased and now tells us that "when I'm a teenager, I want to be a basketball player and a lumberjack, and when I am a grown-up, I want to be a monk and a farmer."

During these outdoor play sessions, I'd sit outside in a chair, reading a book. I noted to myself my relaxed reactions to this third baby. Now, the first baby had his own little sensory things going on and he would not let his bare skin even touch grass till he was nearly two years old. Then second baby would let me sit her down outside and she'd stay still and play and happily let me get twenty or thirty feet away while I did gardening. This third baby was off like a shot. She'd crawl into the woods and sit near her siblings digging the dirt pile. I'd run over every so often to take some wood detritus out of her mouth. In the above photo, you can see the tiny red dot that is Margaret having (repeatedly) crawled the full width of the driveway over to the trailer, which she'd then pull up on and cruise around.

We drove home on Tuesday afternoon and the times with Margaret sleeping were a lot better than the times with her awake.

At five, Chris had a business call he simply had to take, we were not yet home, and Margaret was screaming so loudly and so protractedly, Chris knew he couldn't be on the call in the car with us. He had the idea to drop the rest of us off at Olive Garden for dinner while he took his call in the parking lot. It wasn't until I was getting the children settled that it crossed my mind that I would not have been able to do this before, nor to feel fairly relaxed about it. As a mother of one, going to a restaurant with one baby seemed to require two adults. I think motherhood is likely slowly lifting weights and one's strength grows incrementally all the time, yet one often thinks one is at the limit of one's abilities. But now when I look forward and wonder what four would be like, while I don't know, I feel some fresh confidence that I'd probably figure it out, just like I have one, two, and three. Anyway, I got through dinner and while I wasn't relaxing and sipping piña coladas (I was working to keep those three happy, occupied, and quiet), it went very well.

And now, home, sweet home.